How to Cope When Things Don’t Go as Planned

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Adjust to sudden changes and find the silver linings with this advice

Co-authored by Evan Parks, PsyD and Aly Rusciano

Last Updated: June 14, 2024 Fact Checked

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How To Stay Calm & Cope

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Focusing on Solutions

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Coping with Change

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Expert Q&A

So, things didn’t go according to plan—what do you do now? Mistakes and miscalculations can leave you feeling stressed, anxious, and worried. While this is a completely normal reaction, it certainly isn’t fun. Thankfully, you can sidestep these emotions by being patient with yourself, remaining calm, and looking at the situation through a positive lens. Keep reading to learn how you can feel more in control when things go awry.

What to Do When Things Don’t Go as Planned

Take a deep breath, remain calm, and look at what you can learn from the experience.
Consider alternative options and reimagine your goals moving forward.
Try to put things in perspective and build resilience going forward.

Part 1

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How To Stay Calm & Cope

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Take a moment to breathe and calm yourself. We all experience roadblocks in life, and things don't always go according to plan, and that’s okay! Avoid being hard on yourself or others. Getting upset won’t make the situation any easier, so take a step back from the situation to collect yourself.^{[1]
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- Consider getting some distance from the situation for 30 minutes, an hour, or a day. Take a walk. Get a drink of water. Do whatever you have to do to distract yourself and stay positive.
- Try using self-soothing activities to help you calm down, such as listening to your favorite album, reading a book, or engaging with a favorite hobby, such as knitting, playing guitar, or baking.
- Come back to the situation when you're patient and calm.
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Acknowledge your emotions and feelings. Once you have calmed down, you can begin to address your disappointment. When something doesn’t go your way, ask yourself why it may upset you. Acknowledging your feelings allows you to process them and move on. Avoiding or suppressing your feelings might feel good in the short term, but it will only make you feel worse later on.^{[2]
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Amy Chan
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Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.}
- Try saying something like, “I am disappointed that this did not go my way,” or “I’m upset that I have to miss out on this experience.”
- Similarly, you can write about how you feel by answering these questions: What did not go your way? Why is it upsetting you? How can you move forward from?
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Assess what went wrong. Think about the situation from an objective standpoint, and avoid blaming yourself or others. Try to clearly see what happened without judgment. Even if something didn’t go as planned, it doesn't mean it was a disaster.^{[3]
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- Pretend you’re looking at the situation through the eyes of a bystander—how would someone not involved view it?
- Try writing down the pros and cons of the event or situation. While things may not have gone as planned, there is likely a silver lining.
Some things are simply out of our control—that’s life! For instance, if you made plans to travel for the weekend, and a storm hits, that’s out of your hands. There are forces outside of yourself that influence and shape outcomes, so avoid dwelling on things that you can't change and focus on what you can.^{[4]
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Work on your flexibility skills and learn to adapt. Adaptation is key when things go awry. It’s part of our evolution as people to learn to adapt to our environments. The more flexible you are in your plans, the more likely your expectations of what you wanted will be met.^{[5]
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- Life is not a straight and easy path; it’s filled with twists and turns. Each day we learn how to adapt to our daily lives and challenges.
- For example, imagine how you get to school or work. While there may be one specific way you do this, imagine the other possibilities available. Some routes may be easier and shorter, others may be longer or harder, but they still arrive at the same destination.

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Focusing on Solutions

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Reflect on your expectations. Sometimes, we get frustrated when things don't go according to plan because they don't meet our expectations. Think about the expectations you had for the situation. Were your expectations too strict or rigid? Why was this plan so important to you?^{[6]
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- One plan or goal is not a measure of your worth. Just because things didn't work out this time doesn't mean they will never work out in the future.
- For example, say you and your friends wanted to go to a special restaurant, and you find out it's closed. You may be disappointed or upset because you were expecting a nice meal there. Instead of thinking that the only good meal is at this one restaurant, evaluate the other places available.
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Modify your expectations. Since your original plan didn’t work out, brainstorm new goals or variations of your original plan. What can you do next time to make sure it comes true or works out?^{[7]
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- Use your goal as a framework to restate and reimagine alternative plans.
- For instance, if you and your friends didn’t get to eat at that special restaurant, your new, reimagined goal could be to come back on a day when the restaurant is open.
- As another example, if you didn’t reach your goal of writing a book in a year, set a new goal to finish drafting your novel in the next year.
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Work on any changes that you can implement right now. So, your original plan hasn't worked out. Now is the time to think about the other options available. What is your Plan B or Plan C? If you don't have an alternative plan in place, then evaluate other options to consider.^{[8]
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- Reassess the strategies and possible outcomes to your plans. While these alternatives may not be your original plan, one or more may be as good as the original.
- Going back to our restaurant example, perhaps you go to a different restaurant instead or decide to cook a meal together at home. These new plans can be just as fun, even if they’re not the original plan.

Part 3

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Coping with Change

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Build resilience to keep moving forward. Having resilience means you can keep working toward your goals even if things do not go your way. Building this skill takes time and practice, but it can help you to overcome disappointment more easily. To build resilience, you can:^{[9]
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- Put things into perspective. When something does not go your way, consider if it’s something worth spending time and energy on. For example, if you had hoped to get a job but didn't get it, your time and energy might be better spent applying for different jobs.
- Challenge unhelpful thoughts. Resilient people can alter their thinking to help them stay motivated and continue working towards their goals. You can do this by challenging thoughts that are untrue or unhelpful. For example, if you find yourself thinking, “I will always fail,” challenge this thought with something like, “Things might not always go my way, but if I keep working towards my goals, then I will achieve them.”
- Maintain good relationships. If you have good relationships, you will probably feel more secure when something does not go your way. Try to maintain healthy relationships with your friends and family to feel more secure during difficult times.
- If a specific person has disappointed you, communicating with them is actually essential to maintaining your relationship and keeping it healthy.
- Reader Poll: We asked 227 wikiHow readers about what positive outcome of disappointment would make them feel better, and 47% of them agreed on strengthening a relationship through honest communication. [Take Poll] Talking things through may make you feel better, even if the outcome doesn’t change immediately.
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Use the past for guidance rather than regret. The past is just that—the past. While you can't take back what has happened, you can use this experience as a helpful tool. What can you learn from this?^{[10]
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- Let's say you're working on an important project with a small team. Maybe the project is bigger than expected and more time-consuming than you thought. Perhaps your team ends up rushing to complete the project, and it fails.
- This could be an opportunity to understand when to ask for additional help. Maybe you and the team could’ve taken a different approach and planned your time more efficiently. While you can’t change your past failure, you can work toward making sure it doesn’t happen again in the future.
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Learn from misfortunes and avoid giving up. When something doesn't go how you'd like, you may feel like you've failed. Let’s flip this mindset by viewing each failure as an opportunity to learn and grow. Be thankful for each failure because each failure comes with a lesson.^{[11]
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- For example, say you failed a test because you didn’t read the instructions properly. Rather than giving up on the class or the subject, use your failure as an opportunity to grow. The next time you take a test, make sure to read the directions thoroughly.
- Say to yourself, “I know that I messed up, but it's not the end of the world,” or “I can learn from this. I can be better. I can be ready for the next time.”
- Describe how you can learn and adjust to the experience with something like, “This may not have gone as planned, but I can do better next time by…”
Ask for help. There's no shame in asking for input or a little extra guidance. Talk with people that you trust about what they think about the situation. This may be a close friend, family member, or therapist. See what they would do in your situation and how they would handle the disappointment. Who knows? They may be able to provide advice and insight you hadn’t thought of.^{[13]
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Expert Q&A

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Question

How can I calm down in the moment?

Amy Chan
Relationship Coach
Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach based in New York, New York. She is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development. Her team of psychologists and coaches at Renew Breakup Bootcamp has helped hundreds of individuals, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. Her book based on her work, Breakup Bootcamp, was published in 2020 and was featured by the New York Times.

Amy Chan

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Try the 4-7-8 Breathing Technique. Place the tip of your tongue on the roof of your mouth (right behind your front teeth) and breathe in through your nose for a count of 4 seconds. Hold your breath for 7 seconds, then release your breath from your mouth with a whooshing sound for a count of 8. Without a break, breathe in again for a count of 4, repeating the entire technique 3-4 times in a row, then resume normal breathing and activity.

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