How to Avoid Using the Word "Retarded"

Co-authored by Seth Hall

Last Updated: November 16, 2024 Fact Checked

Language changes with time and with the people who use it. The word "retarded" is an outdated term initially used to describe people with intellectual, developmental, or physical disabilities. At one time it was the polite thing to say, replacing words like moron or idiot -- which were also once polite and even medical words. However, in today's English language, it is often also used as an insult and can be very hurtful to mentally disabled people. For many people who have disabilities, "retarded" is a word that excludes, undermines, and devalues them as people. Avoid using this term altogether. It is not cool, and it makes you look like a person with no class.

Part 1

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Using Alternative Terms

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1
Keep its definition in mind. The word "retarded" literally means something that is delayed or held back in progress. It has been used as a clinical term (in "mental retardation") to refer to people with intellectual disabilities.^{[1]
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Research source} By calling someone or something retarded or "a retard", it creates the message that having disabilities means you're dumb or stupid. People who really have disabilities (cognitive or physical) should always be treated with respect and sensitivity.
- Recognize that the word "retarded" is considered hate speech, and can be alienating and frightening to disabled people.
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Recognize that "mentally retarded" is no longer an accepted diagnostic term. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) has replaced the word "mental retardation" with "intellectual disability".^{[2]
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Research source} The use of the term has outgrown its clinical routes, and is generally considered inappropriate and offensive in all mainstream uses now.
- The historical context of the word is important to know. People with disabilities have been treated poorly, discriminated against, abused, and neglected in the past and even today. Just changing the way you speak and avoiding using the term can make a difference for people with disabilities today and in the future.
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Do not call something you don't like "retarded". By calling something "retarded", you are essentially saying an undesirable object or event is the same as someone with intellectual, developmental, or physical disabilities. This invalidates feelings and the identities of people with disabilities and puts them in a position where they are used to describe something that is considered to be flawed, useless, or stupid. It also makes YOU look flawed, useless and stupid by using such an uncool term. There are a ton of great words you can use instead to describe things, people, and situations that anger or annoy you. For example:^{[3]
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- If something is a bad idea, you can use words such as dense, useless, obtuse, pathetic, or vapid. Don't forget terms like jackass or bonehead. Or make up snappy new insults. Swearing may be okay, but might make you look less impressive.
- If someone or something angers you, use words like contemptible, enraging, evil, infuriating, horrible, irrational, rage-inducing.
- If someone or something is disgusting, try using nasty, gross, foul, nauseating, skeevy, repellent, repulsive, vomitous or terrible instead.
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Never attack someone you don't like by calling them "retarded" or a "tard". By calling someone you don't like "retarded", you are equating all negative attributes about this person towards people with real disabilities. Come up with alternative words or phrases. For example:^{[4]
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- If a person does something they shouldn't do, you can say, "What you did didn't even make sense!" or "That was careless/foolish!". "Where's your head?!" "What the hell were you thinking?" Or from baseball, "That was a bonehead play."
- If a person does something that angers you, you can say, "You're unbelievable!" or "You make me so furious!". "He makes me so mad I could explode!" "That just galls me."
- If someone does something that irritates you, tell them "That is so annoying/irritating/immature". "You have no idea how ridiculous you look." "You're acting like a jackass." "Don't be a twit."
- If someone does something dense or is not listening to reason or logic, try saying "You're being ignorant" or "That is irrational" or "Your idea is ridiculous". "You're not using your head." "There is so much wrong with that idea I don't even know where to start."
This includes people with intellectual disabilities, developmental disabilities, and physical disabilities. If you are trying to figure out whether someone's intelligence is affected by their disability, you should ask if they have an intellectual disability (or not ask at all).
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Apologize when you use the word. Sometimes habits can be hard to break. Make the active choice to acknowledge your mistake and apologize for it, even if you think the people around won't care or won't be affected by your language. By pointing out your mistake, others will take note and perhaps think twice before using "retarded" in their own language. You can simply say, "I'm sorry for saying that. That was inappropriate".
- Even if you don't think you are in the presence of someone with a disability, someone near you may have an invisible disability, or know someone with a disability. They will appreciate your sincerity and apology.
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Tell others you won't be using the r-word anymore. Many people have taken the pledge not to use the R-word and are proactively sharing their stories with people around the world. Making a public or active decision not to use the r-word can:^{[5]
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- Make yourself accountable. When you slip up, others will catch on and remind you that you used the word. It will also challenge you not to use the word because you won't want to break your pledge and look like a bad example to others.
- Raise awareness of the dangers of using the r-word. Some people may have never thought the r-word was offensive. By pledging publicly, you are raising awareness of the problem and challenging others to rethink their use of the word.
- Generate discourse. People may tell you that using the r-word is "no big deal". This is a great opportunity for you to educate others about why the r-word is not cool and that it does matter when you use hurtful and offensive language.

Part 2

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Understanding Disabilities

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1
Stop thinking of disabled people as lesser. View people with disabilities as different, not inferior. You can help them feel included by accepting them for who they are, disabilities and all.
- Don't criticize someone for looking or acting unusual (e.g. stimming, having an unusual face, or being a little hyper). These quirks are part of who they are, and should be respected just as much as your love of computers or the shape of your chin.
- Stop calling bad things "stupid" or "dumb." People who have intellectual disabilities don't deserve that comparison. (And maybe they hate Nickelback just as much as you do.)
- Recognize that each person has their own worth. A dyslexic person might be a ridiculously hard worker, while your friend with Down Syndrome is the kindest person you know. Some strengths are even tied directly to disability, such as the spacial perception strengths associated with autism.
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Know that people with disabilities are people. Their disabilities do not necessarily define or encompass their entire identity. However, this doesn't mean avoiding or dismissing the subject of their disabilities. Some things you can do to help navigate interactions:
- Get to know them first. Many people with disabilities want to be included. Do not treat them like they are "special" by using baby talk or talking about them like they aren't there. Instead, approach someone with a disability like you would with anyone else.
- Communicate with them. Some people with intellectual disabilities understand better if you slow your speech down a little. Some are better at communicating in other ways such as with facial expressions, hand gestures, or writing.
- Learn more about their disability, either through your own research or through others. By having a better understanding of someone's disabilities, you can better communicate with others and change the way you think about people with disabilities.
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Do not assume people have cognitive disabilities based on their physical capabilities. Having obvious physical signs of disabilities does not mean someone also has intellectual disabilities, or that they are incapable of handling a normal conversation. (Don't forget Stephen Hawking!) Some things you can do to help you navigate interactions with visibly disabled people are:
- Speak to the person normally and directly. Avoid using baby talk or addressing someone next to them. In most cases, if alternative ways need to be used to communicate, the person or someone else will inform you.
- Don't assume every physically disabled person needs help. You may want to hold the door open for them, carry their bags, or help them pick up stuff that has fallen. However, you may be accidentally getting in their way, or making them feel like they are different from everyone else. Offer help first before diving in by simply asking them, "Can I help you with that?"
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Use terminology preferred by the individual with the disability. This shows sensitivity towards disabilities in a respectful way. Observe how the individual speaks about their disability and mimic their language. In some situations, you can ask them directly how to address their disability, but remember to do this respectfully.^{[6]
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Trustworthy Source

American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists

Go to source}
- Some people may not be comfortable to talk to you about their disability. Get to know the person a little bit, and then you might be able to ask them about their disability. For example, you can say, "I'm curious about your using a wheelchair. Are you comfortable talking about it, or would you prefer not to?"
- Not all terms will be accepted by every person who has that disability. This person may tell you it's okay to use a particular term around them but it doesn't necessarily mean you can use it for every other person that has the same disability.
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Use general terms to describe disabilities. When you are speaking or writing to the public, do a bit of research to ensure you use widely accepted terminology when talking about disabilities. Or when you are speaking about someone with a disability and you don't know the specific term or how to address their disability, use descriptive language such as, "Maya has a developmental disability" or "He is deaf."
- Different situations and places have different accepted terms to describe disabilities. Identity-first language is more common in the UK and the Autistic, Deaf, and Blind communities.^{[7]
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  Trustworthy Source
  
  Austistic Self Advocacy Network
  Nonprofit organization run by and for individuals on the autism spectrum that empowers autistic people through education and public advocacy
  
  Go to source} This means you would use the term "disabled person" compared to "person with a disability" which is person-first language. Always ask about this.
- Person-first language is generally preferred by people with other intellectual and developmental disabilities and in the U.S.
- When you're uncertain, use both person-first and identity-first language to respect both preferences.

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How do you recover from saying the wrong thing?

Seth Hall
Life Coach
Seth T. Hall (ICF ACC, CLC, and MNLP) is a Certified Life Coach and Founder of Transformational Solutions, a Los Angeles-based life-coaching company that helps people achieve their toughest goals, find their own voice, and think outside the box. He has been a life coach for over 10 years, specializing in personal development, relationships, career and finance, and wellness. He has helped his clients break the negative cycles in their lives and replace them with a positive, proactive mindset. Seth believes that everyone has the potential to live a fulfilling and rewarding life, and works passionately to help them reach their full potential. With a deep understanding of how our minds work and the power of positive thinking, he encourages his clients to find their unique paths in life and find success on their own terms. He is a certified master practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming, a featured co-author for WikiHow, and co-author of "The Mountain Method”, “The Happy Tiger”, and “The V.I.S.I.O.N.S. Program”.

Seth Hall

Life Coach

Expert Answer

Acknowledge that what you said was wrong and then apologize! Don't try to justify why you said something—instead, just admit that what you said was inappropriate, offer an apology, and explain that it won't happen again.

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