How to Be Friends After a Breakup

Co-authored by Cherlyn Chong

Last Updated: August 18, 2023 References

VIDEO

When you break up with someone, sometimes you still want to hold on to that relationship, though it's necessary to change the nature of the relationship itself. With the shared history between you and your ex, it's only natural to want to remain a part of each others' lives, even if you've decided you're not right as a couple. Whatever the reason, you can be friends with your ex if you take the appropriate steps to set boundaries, protect your emotions, and embrace the shift in your relationship. We'll show you how.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Getting Through the Breakup

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Break up in a civil way. If you're going to remain friends, you can't have a dramatic, no-holds-barred breakup. When you're breaking up with each other, you need to resolve any major issues without slinging mud and hatred at each other.^{[1]
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- That doesn't mean that you need to breakup without any sadness. Of course you're both going to be upset and sad. It's hard to let go of something so important to your life. However, it does mean that you need to be respectful of each other to the end.
- Before deciding if you want to be friends, consider how you broke up. If you were constantly fighting, didn't like to be together, and stopped having good conversations, you may not want to continue any kind of relationship.^{[2]
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Take some time apart, especially on social media. Once you break up with each other, you need to take some time away from each other. You can't just jump from being lovey-dovey to being friends. You can't rush this period; each of you has to be ready to move into a different type of relationship.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Cherlyn Chong
Relationship Coach

Expert Interview. 21 June 2019.} There is no set amount of time to determine how long the transition to friendship will take because it is unique to every situation and each person involved.^{[4]
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- Mute their posts on social media or unfollow them for a while.
- Try to go no contact for a while in order to give yourselves space to heal and accept the change in the relationship.
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Figure out your new normal. While you're apart, figure out how your new life is going to look. Time once filled with being with your significant other now has to be filled with something else. Find ways to make your life joyful, from spending time with good friends to picking up a hobby like painting or rock climbing.^{[5]
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Cherlyn Chong
Relationship Coach

Expert Interview. 21 June 2019.}
- It doesn't matter what you do, you just need to figure out new habits, so you don't slip into old ones with your ex.
Letting go is a grieving process, and that's fine. However, you need to make sure you are still taking care of yourself and your health. Try to sleep on a schedule, and eat well. If you're feeling down, treat yourself to something fun, such as a nice dinner, a pedicure, or a ticket to a basketball game.^{[6]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Learning to Be Friends

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While it may be tempting to rehash old arguments, once you're friends, it's time to let it go. You don't have a right to criticize how he spends his time or how she likes to dress. Be supportive, and try not to move into old patterns of criticism. Talk through your feelings with the other person and then try your best to move on.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Cherlyn Chong
Relationship Coach

Expert Interview. 21 June 2019.}
That is, if you were friends before you got together, think about how you interacted then. That can help you forge ahead with a new relationship.^{[8]
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Don't jump into going out three times a week. Stick with a couple a times a month at first. Too much too quickly could force the friendship to break apart.
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Pick your meet-ups wisely. If you try to do the same things you always did as a couple, you're likely to find it awkward. You associate those places with the romantic side of the relationship, and you're trying to create a different type of relationship. Therefore, it's best to pick new things to do together, especially things that won't leave you alone together.^{[9]
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- Try going out with a group of friends, for instance, or heading to somewhere with a big crowd, such as big concert.^{[10]
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You don't have the same conversations with a lover that you do with a friend. If you want to keep your ex at a friendship level, you need to keep the conversations there, too.^{[11]
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Your ex may decide he or she doesn't want to be friends with you, and that's fine. Sometimes, you just have too much history with a person to move on in a different capacity.
If you're constantly having to deal with questions about why you're still friends with the person, it can hinder your friendship. Tell your friends and family that you are going to be friends with the person, and you expect them to support that decision.^{[12]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Cementing the Friendship

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You both need to make boundaries about when it's appropriate to call or stop by. You also need to decide where you're willing to go together. Basically, any form of contact with each other needs rules that you both need to respect and follow. You may decide to no longer go to the same restaurants you used to dine at while you were a couple.
That is, to truly be friends, you can't be hanging on to the idea that you can still get back together with your ex. Examine your feelings and see if you think you are over the person enough to hang out with him or her without being more involved.^{[13]
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It will be hard to see your ex with someone new, but you need to realize it's going to happen. While neither of you needs to rub it in the other's face, it's bound to happen sooner or later that one of you gets with someone new. You'll only be able to be friends with the person if you realize that he or she has the right to be with someone new.^{[14]
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