How to Be a Strong Independent Woman

Co-authored by Rahti Gorfien, PCC

Last Updated: December 22, 2024 Approved

Being a strong, independent woman means that you are able to find happiness on your own. You have self-confidence without having to rely on another person or society for validation. It means emotional independence and being able to have healthy relationships with others without falling into co-dependent patterns. It means learning to express who you are at your core, whether you are shy and soft-spoken or loud and assertive. You don’t need to try fitting a certain mold. Read on to learn how to embrace the woman you are and who you want to become.

Part 1

Part 1 of 6:

Practicing Assertiveness

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1
Put your basic needs first. When you notice yourself needing something whether it is intimacy, affection, or attention, give yourself what you need. If you need attention, take a day to pamper yourself in some way or reach out to someone you love. If you need intimacy, spend time writing in a journal or exploring nature. If you need affection, give yourself affection by thinking about what you love about yourself or taking yourself out for dinner and a movie. The more easily you can meet your own emotional needs, the healthier your relationships will be because you will know and understand yourself and be better able to express yourself to your partner.
- It's great to take care of other people. But don't let that take away from your own core needs. You can't pour from an empty cup, and you can't help others if you aren't taking care of yourself.
Tip: Independence doesn't mean never accepting help from anyone. It's okay to reach out to others and to let them give back to you. You just want to be able to take care of your own needs when no one is available to help.
2
Don't compare yourself to other women. Having a female role model to look up to is great. Just be careful that you don’t fall into jealousy. Although jealousy is natural to some degree, western society tends to exacerbate female jealousy through advertisements and films that feature unrealistic standards.
- Remember, it's not fair to compare someone else's highlights reel to your bloopers. Every woman struggles with something behind the scenes.
- This jealousy and “catty-ness” is called "relational aggression."^{[1]
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  Coyne, S.M., Linder, J.R., Nelson, D.A., & Gentile, D.A. (2012). ‘Frenemies, fraitors, and mean-em-aitors’: Priming effects of viewing physical and relational aggression in the media on women. Aggressive Behavior, 38(2), p. 141-149. doi: 10.1002/ab.21410} Studies have shown that media plays an important role in modeling relational aggression in women. Women who are victims of relational aggression are more likely to suffer from low self-esteem and feel rejected and lonely.^{[2]
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  Ostrov, J.M., Hart, E.J., Kamper, K.E., Godleski, S.A. (2011). Relational aggression in women during emerging adulthood: A social processes model. Behavioral Sciences & The Law, 29(5), 695-710. doi:10.1002/bsl.1002} The result is a culture of women who feel insecure and unhappy with themselves.
- Recognize when you experience jealousy. The first step to overcoming jealousy is to recognize when you are experiencing it. If you find yourself reading a magazine and comparing your own body to those of the models, stop for a moment. Do you compare everyone you see in the street to magazine models? Probably not, so spare yourself that judgment too. Models are people who happen to have features that make a good fit for what magazines are looking for, and they are people who are dedicating their lives to modeling as a job. They are no "better" or "worse" than you.
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3
Set clear boundaries. Set clear boundaries that prioritize your own needs. For example, set boundaries with regards to as how much time you spend with someone, or the kinds of criticisms you are not willing to hear. Be sure you have other things going on in your life outside of any romantic relationship, whether it is school, work, friends, a fitness routine, or your family.
- Set clear boundaries with the individual and communicate to this person your need to be your own independent person. Once the boundaries have been discussed, stick to them.
4
Stand up for yourself. Whether you are a man or a woman, you will have to learn to fend for yourself in the real world if you want to avoid being taken advantage of. You must learn how to stand up for yourself at school, at work, and in your social life. Work on asserting yourself. Don’t be ashamed or apologetic about asserting yourself. Assertiveness is the middle ground between passivity and aggression.
- People who are effectively assertive are more happy in relationships and have higher self-esteem.^{[3]
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- Use “I” statements. These types of statements are less accusatory, and instead they convey that you are taking responsibility for your own actions and feelings. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you can say, “I feel ignored when you constantly check your phone while talking to me.”
- Learn to say no. Put your own needs first instead of always trying to accommodate other people first. If someone keeps asking to borrow money, for example, you can decline their request. If a friend keeps borrowing your car, you can tell her that the car is not available for her anymore.
5
Believe in yourself. When you believe in your abilities and your achievements, then you will convey strength. Pursue what you need and want. When you lack confidence or play the victim, you risk letting others walk all over you instead of getting what you need and want.
6
Let people know when they have hurt your feelings. If somebody betrays you in any way, be sure to let him or her know. It can be difficult to share your emotions, especially when you feel hurt or angry. But telling the other person how you feel may help prevent the person from repeating the behavior in the future. ^{[4]
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- For example, you might say, “I felt hurt when you said my article was biased. I'd be happy to listen and incorporate feedback, but I can't do anything with name-calling.”
7
Address disrespectful and offensive comments. If you hear somebody making a sexist, racist, or otherwise disrespectful comment, don't let it slide. This doesn't necessarily mean engaging in an argument. Calmly tell the person that what he or she said is not appreciated.
- "Please don't talk about other women like that."
- "Could we please avoid negative comments about Muslims?"
- "I'm leaving. I don't participate in conversations with that type of demeaning language."
- "Why do you feel that way?"
8
Learn to recognize codependency. If you are co-dependent, you might find that the relationship defines your life. You might obsessively think about the other person and wait to make a decision until you’ve checked with him or her. Strive to overcome codependency by staying alert for the following signs:
- Low self-esteem
- People pleasing
- Poor boundaries
- Reactivity
- Caretaking
- Control
- Dysfunctional communication
- Obsessions
- Dependency
- Denial
- Problems with intimacy
- Painful emotions.
9
Embrace the uniqueness of yourself and others. Try to cultivate compassion and happiness for the fact that everyone is talented and gifted in her own way, including you! Every woman has her own best assets, whether it is her math skills, painting abilities, or leadership skills. Embrace the skills and resources you have and love yourself for having them.
- If you think someone is talented, let them know.

Part 2

Part 2 of 6:

Taking Charge of Your Sexuality

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1
Learn to be comfortable with your body, the way it is right now. A lot of women have some degree of discomfort with how they look physically, especially when naked. It can be difficult to become more comfortable with how you look, but try focusing on a part of your body that you like. Think about different parts of your body and how they look right for your body.
- Focus less on what your body looks like, and more on what it can do.
- If your partner is critical of how you look, assert yourself by telling them that you find their comments unsupportive.
2
Communicate your needs and wants to your partner. This includes both emotional and physical things. Loving yourself and honoring your sexuality means telling your partner what you like and what is off limits.
- You can say something like, “I like when you touch me there,” or “I like when we cuddle after sex.”
- If something is uncomfortable, say so. "I'm not comfortable with that" or "That hurts" are very reasonable things to say.
3
Honor your sexuality. Don't be ashamed of wanting to have a sexual side. Empower yourself to embrace your own sexuality in whatever form it takes, and choose partners who facilitate and uphold healthy sexual practices.
4
Don't be afraid to say no. Saying no isn't just for avoiding evil people who want to hurt you. It's also important to say no to well-meaning people who might not know what your comfort zone is. You can say no anytime someone wants to do something that you'd rather not do. Be honest. To turn down a date, try "I'm flattered, but not interested." In other situations, you can say things like "No thanks," "I don't like that," "I'm not ready for that yet," or whatever feels true in the situation.
- Politely saying no almost always works. If someone ignores it, you may have to be firm.
- If someone repeatedly ignores a no, go ahead and make a scene. Yelp or recoil from their touch. Start crying, loudly, and ask why they won't leave you alone. This is a perfectly reasonable reaction to someone who ignores a polite "no" and it puts them on the spot for not respecting your boundaries.
- If someone forces themselves on you, reach out for help. Society has taught women to feel ashamed or embarrassed for being molested or assaulted, even going so far as to claim that some women are "asking for it.”^{[5]
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  Allen, R.L. (2006). Stopping sexual harassment: A Challenge for community education. Reconstructing Gender: A Multicultural Anthology. Boston, MA: McGraw Hill.} Dealing with sexual harassment or assault can be traumatic. Seek help from your support network.
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Report sexual harassment in the workplace or at school. Remember that reporting these kinds of acts is not just for your own good; it could prevent the person from harassing others in the future.^{[6]
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Allen, R.L. (2006). Stopping sexual harassment: A Challenge for community education. Reconstructing Gender: A Multicultural Anthology. Boston, MA: McGraw Hill.}

Part 3

Part 3 of 6:

Taking Care of Your Health

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1
Get enough exercise. Staying in shape improves your overall health, your mood, and your energy levels, which will improve your performance in all aspects of your life. Regular exercise can help prevent disease such as heart disease, cancer and diabetes and it can also help with management of chronic disorders like asthma or back pain.^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source

Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

Go to source}
- Everyone is different, so make sure to discuss with your doctor what kind of exercise goals are safe for you.
- You don't have to be an Olympic champion to be in good shape. Go for a jog around the neighborhood, take your dog for a walk, or go for a bike ride. Even gardening can be good exercise.
2
Eat healthy, nutritious foods. A healthy diet, like exercise, can help prevent disease and increase your mood and energy.^{[8]
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Trustworthy Source

PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health

Go to source} Everyone is different and can have varying dietary requirements. Talk with your doctor or a certified nutritionist to develop a plan appropriate for you.
- As a general rule, eat lots of fresh vegetables and fruits. Eat whole grains and proteins. Avoid processed and fried foods, and cut down on refined sugars.
- Consider taking multivitamins too for an extra boost.
3
Get enough sleep. Sleep deprivation can affect your health and mood. Aim to get at least seven or eight hours of sleep so that you can function at your best every day.
4
Understand your health. Personal strength is manifested physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you want to be a strong, independent woman, you need look no further than your own body. Cisgender women and men face different health risks and challenges because of biological differences. ^{[9]
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Disch, E. (2006). Reconstructing Gender: A Multicultural Anthology. Boston, MA: McGraw Hill.}
- In past years, medical research used to focus on cisgender men alone. For example, knowledge of heart attacks was based on how they usually present in men, when they are often different in women.^{[10]
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  Disch, E. (2006). Reconstructing Gender: A Multicultural Anthology. Boston, MA: McGraw Hill.} Thankfully, medical research is quickly catching up and using more women as subjects in studies. Now that this information is more readily available, it’s important that strong, independent women utilize it!
5
Stay on top of your medical needs. Get regular checkups with your doctor and talk about any concerns. Follow their advice to the best of your ability. If you take medication, follow the instructions and use alarms or pill organizers to help you stay consistent.
- Some doctors don't take women's health problems seriously. It's okay to get a second opinion if your doctor isn't listening. For example, maybe one doctor says you just need to lose weight to solve your incapacitating period pain, but the next one finds and diagnoses the issue.
- Beware online rumors that circulate based on vague personal anecdotes and no research evidence. The internet rumor mill can spread lots of myths and conspiracy theories about health. If you're unsure about anything, check research-backed sources or ask your personal doctor.

Part 4

Part 4 of 6:

Managing Your Finances

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1
Work on managing your money to make you as financially independent as possible. The independence that comes with your ability to earn your own income, start your own bank account, and buy your own property is something women have been (and still are, in some parts of the world) deprived of.^{[11]
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Research source} Every adult needs to take ownership of their money and use it wisely.
- Take a money management course, or learn the basics online.
- Make a budget for yourself so that you can meet your necessary expenses.
- Ideally, adults should have an emergency fund. It should be able to cover at least 3-6 months of living expenses.^{[12]
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- Save about 10-20% of your income.
- Avoid risky investments. If you have money to invest, put it in index funds, which tend to be more stable and often beat the price of inflation over time.^{[13]
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2
Don’t be afraid to ask for a raise. Women are less likely than men to ask for a raise. When they do ask for a raise, they ask for less money than a man typically would.^{[14]
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Research source} Fall back on your assertiveness training and don’t be afraid to ask for the raise that you deserve.

Part 5

Part 5 of 6:

Following Your Passions

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1
Study what you want to study. Don’t let societal norms influence which subject(s) you chose to study. Often society pushes women into certain fields (English, the fine arts, teaching, nursing and other “helping” subjects), while men are pushed into other fields such as science, math, and technology.^{[15]
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Disch, E. (2006). Reconstructing Gender: A Multicultural Anthology. Boston, MA: McGraw Hill.}
- More and more schools are pushing for women’s greater involvement in STEM subjects (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics) because the number of women in these fields is extremely low despite the fact that there is plenty of interest.^{[16]
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  Disch, E. (2006). Reconstructing Gender: A Multicultural Anthology. Boston, MA: McGraw Hill.} If you are interested in physics, go for it! If computers make you happy, dive in and learn all you can about technology. Don’t let prescribed gender roles interfere with you desire to learn more about a particular subject.
- By all means, follow your favorite subject. If you like music, follow that. If you like math, follow that.
2
Become a lifelong learner. Remember that not all education has to be formal (i.e. attained through an institution like a university). Keep up with current events in politics, science and technology, read books (both fiction and non-fiction), learn another language, watch documentaries, and so on. Aspire to learn about new subjects throughout your life.
3
Embrace your own style. Being an independent woman means dressing the way you want, regardless of what people around you are telling you to wear. Use fashion as a way to express your mood, your taste, and your creativity.
- Many times throughout history, women’s fashion choices have been dependent on the social and cultural norms of the time period. At one point in US history, tightly pulled corsets were the norm and it was a social taboo for women to wear pants.^{[17]
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  Disch, E. (2006). Reconstructing Gender: A Multicultural Anthology. Boston, MA: McGraw Hill.} We live in an era in which women have much more freedom of choice for their clothing and dress. Embrace that freedom!
- If you want to put in extra effort to look fab, learn how to dress to highlight your body type as well as your personal taste.
EXPERT TIP

Rahti Gorfien, PCC
Life Coach
Rahti Gorfien is a Life Coach and the Founder of Creative Calling Coaching, LLC. She specializes in working with artists, entrepreneurs, and college students in creative fields. Rahti is accredited as a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) by the International Coach Federation, an ACCG Accredited ADHD Coach by the ADD Coach Academy, and a Career Specialty Services Provider (CSS). In addition, she has personal experience in the fields she coaches - she is an alumnus of the New York University Graduate Acting program and has been a working theater artist for over 30 years. She was voted one of the 15 Best Life Coaches in New York City by Expertise in 2018.

Rahti Gorfien, PCC
Life Coach

Learn to be happy with yourself. The best way to become stronger and more independent is to be pleased with yourself and to stop caring what other people think. As women, we're trained to please others, but it's OK not to care what others think, even if they're unhappy. You don't need to keep everyone around you happy; it's not good for you or them.
4
Focus on the type of life you want to lead. Think about the goals, relationships, and lifestyle that sound right for you. This might be different from what your family (or society) expects from you. But this is your life, so you should live it the way you want.
- Some women want to be president. Others want quiet, simple lives full of hobbies and family time. Neither of these are wrong.
- Fulfilling your potential is nice, but it's not an obligation. Build a life that you enjoy.

Part 6

Part 6 of 6:

Contributing to Your Community

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1
Give to others. One of the best ways you can exert your strength is to give back to those who are less fortunate than you. You don't have to be rich or affluent to make a positive impact in your community, so start small. In a 2010 study on volunteering and “giving back” to the community it was found that, of those who participated in the study, 68% had better physical health, 89% had increased sense of self-worth and well-being, and 73% experienced reduced stress levels than participants who did not “give back.”
2
Consider volunteering in your community. Nonprofit organizations in your community will welcome volunteers and support. Identify what issues you are most passionate about, such as animals, the arts, children, sports, etc. Choose a place that you enjoy and feel like you’re making a difference.
- For example, volunteer at a soup kitchen, your local SPCA, or other community development program.
- Research a charity before getting involved with it. Some groups are considered to do more harm than good.
3
Practice random acts of kindness. You don't have to become a formal volunteer to give back. If you see somebody in need, then help them. Even as small an act can brighten someone’s day. For example, help someone carry groceries or hold open the door for someone.
4
Support other women. Too often, women are shamed, judged, and put down by other women. Instead, women can uplift each other and empower every woman to be exactly who she is without judgement or comment.
- Uplift other women and support their dreams. Be there for them when they struggle.
- This doesn't mean you have to get along with every woman or that you need to support a woman when she does something harmful. In those cases, aim for being polite and fair.
5
Educate other women and girls about being strong and independent. Teach them about being assertive, building leadership skills, loving themselves, and standing up for themselves and others. Be a good role model for them.
- Be a mentor for a girls’ organization in your community. For example, this might be a young girl who participates in a sport that you like, or it might be a high school senior getting ready to go to college.

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What do I do when my friends ditch me?

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Make your own plans and build new friendships with people who respect you and your time.

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How to become independent financially and in relationships?

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If you want financial independence, try to get a job and save money for something important (like buying a house or a mode of transportation instead of a new outfit that you don't really need). If you want to be independent in a relationship, you can hang out with your friends without your partner or keep your money separate. This may seem a bit mean to not share money with someone if the relationship is serious, but if the relationship doesn't work out, the other person might take your money from you and keep you bound to them financially.

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I saw "caretaking" on the list of what to avoid, but I enjoy helping others. Can I still help others and be a strong independent woman?

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Of course! One of the best qualities of a strong, independent, woman is that she has the strength and power to help others who are in need. There is a difference between acting like someone's servant and cleaning up after them because you are forced to do so, and taking care of someone because you enjoy doing so.

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Women are often expected to please other people. While there's nothing wrong with this in isolation, pleasing people should be reciprocal. Sometimes it may be a good idea to ask people what they can do for you or think about what you find attractive rather than focusing on how you can please other people.

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If someone abuses you physically, sexually, or mentally (especially if you're in a romantic relationship with them), stand up for yourself. Nobody has the right to abuse you at all period and anyone who does that doesn't care about you. If the abuse involves physical violence, defend yourself (if necessary) leave immediately, and take your pets or children with you if you have any.

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Finding an inspiring female role model to look up to can help you find the inspiration you need to feel more independent. This woman can be a family member, a feminist or other activist, artist, writer, or politician.

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Being independent not only means being kind and respectful, but not letting anyone take advantage of you. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself!
Try new things and live outside the box. Mistakes are just another opportunity to learn something new.

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