How to Be the Bigger Person

Co-authored by Sabrina Grover, LMSW

Last Updated: February 14, 2023 Fact Checked

Are you tired of getting dragged into arguments and never knowing how to get out? Use a simple technique called "being the bigger person." When you become the "bigger" person, the arguments stop. We've covered everything you need to know about being the bigger person, so you can put your best foot forward in your next tough conversation or interaction.

1

Address how the argument is going to affect the both of you later on.

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2

Breathe deeply and count to a certain number in your head.

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3

Understand why people argue.

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If you realize that, the opponent's feeling of victory or success in each argument will fade as you continue to act like you don't care, you'll be less hesitant to stop the argument.^{[3]
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4

Ignore the person and walk away.

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Expert Q&A

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Question

How do I cope with someone who's determined to be my enemy? Should I try to be as nice as I can?

Sabrina Grover, LMSW
Licensed Master Social Worker
Sabrina Grover, LMSW is a Licensed Master Social Worker (LMSW) who earned her degree in Advanced Clinical Practice from New York University. Sabrina has experience working in substance abuse recovery centers and schools where she gained experience providing evidence-based treatment to children, adolescents, adults, and families. Sabrina specializes in Dialectical, Narrative, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapies. She has particular expertise in treating clients struggling with grief, complex trauma, interpersonal difficulty, family conflict, anxiety, and depression. She commits to providing a supportive environment for everyone who commits to growth and offering a warm, non-judgmental atmosphere.

Sabrina Grover, LMSW

Licensed Master Social Worker

Expert Answer

Absolutely—empathy is always key. You're more likely to build rapport if you try to understand someone's perspective, even (or especially) if they give you a hard time. Realize that everyone struggles, and this person's negative attitude might be the result of an internal battle. While this individual is ultimately responsible for their actions and how they carry themselves, you can make the world a little nicer by not reacting to them. Instead, focus on being your best and kindest self. This individual might even warm up to you. Even if they don't, you'll be so focused on being a good person that you'll hardly think about this so-called enemy.

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How can I bear my defeat?

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Take a deep breath, think of a time when you worked had and did well. Remind yourself that defeat is normal. List people or situations that you have heard about that have failed at something and it led to better things. For example, Michael Jordan the great basketball player, was cut from his high school basketball team and used this defeat to become one of the greatest basketball players in NBA history!

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How do I react when the other person is being immature in an argument and making me want to defend myself (for example, not stopping when asked to and using insults)?

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To be the bigger person in the argument, don't respond back with insulting words. Say what you need to in a polite way. If you need help, or if the person is being too immature/rude with their words, be sure to tell a trusted adult.

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Tips

Being the bigger person is knowing when to stop and walk away. The trigger lies in knowing what is worth arguing for. Let the silence fight some of your unworthy battles.

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Smile at the person after arguing so that they feel like their efforts really couldn't make a dent in you.

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Even when you are addressing the person or just turning around, don't show a negative attitude, because then, they would know that their harassment really does affect you.

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Warnings

Your efforts may make the situation worse because the person might dislike you even more because of your strength. If so, apologize (no matter how much you don't want to) and start from a clean slate.

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