How to Compliment Someone You Hate

Co-authored by Kim Chronister, PsyD

Last Updated: October 15, 2022 References

Interacting with people who you dislike is an annoying but necessary part of life. You often have to exhibit a great deal of maturity and self control in interacting with these people. Perhaps you have been required to give a compliment to someone you hate as a part of a class assignment, or maybe the person has done something that you admire and you want to let them know. Whatever the reason, you can successfully compliment someone you dislike by being genuine, delivering your compliment with tact, and then handling their response calmly.

Part 1

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Developing Your Compliment

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1
Think about their positive attributes. Before you approach them with any nice gesture of thought, consider all of their positive attributes. Your hate for them may make it hard to see, but few people are all bad. Take some time to think about any time you have seen this person do something kind, or display intelligence, humor or maturity. ^{[1]
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- This will be particularly helpful if you have been mandated to give this person a compliment.
- In order to make your compliment stand out and be more unique, highlight something you’ve recently learned about their skill set or something you’ve read recently and apply that to the compliment.
Though you might feel tempted to, don’t give them an insult that is veiled as a compliment. An example would be saying something like “Wow, you don’t usually look that great but today you look nice, Josh.” Give them a true compliment or don’t say anything at all.

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When you compliment them, avoid being overly vague. Opt instead for being specific and genuine. Don’t say something like “You are a nice person, Claire.” Instead, you can say “Claire, the other day I saw you when you helped that elderly lady who was being taken advantage of in the store. You made sure they didn’t overcharge her. That was really admirable of you.”
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Practice talking to them in the mirror. You might be feeling a bit nervous about approaching them with this compliment or even scared of what their reaction will be. Practice giving them this compliment in the mirror. Manage your facial expressions as well and try not to look too stern or agitated.
- You might even want to practice with a friend.
- When practicing, be aware of your non-verbal cues. Are you showing contempt, uncertainty, or judgment on your face? If so, try to improve that when delivering the compliment.

Part 2

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Delivering Your Compliment

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When you see this person, you might feel annoyed or stressed. However, you can keep calm if you breathe deeply and slowly; do so by breathing in deeply through your nose, and exhaling slowly through your mouth. You can also try to think of a memory that you have had that can calm you down, like a family trip to the beach.^{[2]
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In approaching them, be mindful of the story that your body language is telling. You do not want them to interpret your compliment as being wrapped in aggression. Keep your arms and legs uncrossed, don’t frown or look away, and respect their personal space.^{[3]
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Another way to successfully approach and manage the situation is to be as emotionally detached as possible. When complimenting them, pretend that you don’t know them or that you are someone else. Let go completely of anything mean or bad they have said or done in the past and focus solely on the task at hand - complimenting them.^{[4]
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Walk up to this person with confidence and peace. Greet them with a “hello” and a smile so they know you are coming to them on friendly terms. You might even want to ask them how their day is going if you are feeling okay in the moment.
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Compliment them genuinely. Now is the time to deliver your compliment to them. You might also want to preface it by saying that something has been on your mind that you want to tell them. Then, give the compliment respectfully, calmly, and kindly. When you are doing so, be as honest and self controlled as possible.^{[5]
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- Say something like “Jess, I know we have had our differences, but I wanted to let you know that I admired what you did in class the other day when you stood up for Arnold. That took some courage and I respect that.”
- You might also say something like “So, as you know we’re both in Communications class together and Mr. Chavis gave us this compliments assignment. So I wanted to let you know that I think you dress really well and that you’re smart.”
6
Explain why you are complimenting them. This person likely knows that you hate them and might feel a bit confused as to why you are complimenting them. Explain your reasoning to them calmly and truly.^{[6]
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- You might say something like “I wanted to let you know that I think what you did was awesome because I really care about the issue of bullying. Even though we don’t like each other, I think it’s important to show others that you can be cordial to people even if you don’t get along.”
Even in being nice to this person, you still might be seething with hate for them when you see them. Keep the fact that you hate them to yourself; avoid mentioning how deeply you dislike them. Allow this moment to be purely about the compliment.^{[7]
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Part 3

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Handling Their Response

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After you have spoken, you should give them at least a few moments to respond. They might thank you for your compliment, laugh, say something mean in return, or be in complete shock that you have even spoken to them. Whatever their reaction, let them respond without interruption, unless they begin insulting you.
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Be positive when they are negative. Even if they choose to be negative to you after you have made this nice statement, don’t fret. Keep a positive attitude and leave the situation. Know that you have done something that very few people ever do, and find some comfort and joy in that.^{[8]
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- You can say something like “Andy, I see that my compliment is not being received well. I don’t regret telling you, but I do need to go at this time since you are attacking me. Have a good day.”

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What if everybody hates me and I have ADHD?

Community Answer

It may feel like everybody hates you, but this probably isn't true. If someone does hate you, they're not worth your time. Talk to your friends and family about your feelings, and if you need help with your ADHD, talk to a guidance counselor, teacher, your parents, or your doctor.

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What if they insult me after I just complimented them? How can I show them I don't feel offended?

Community Answer

Changing relationships is rarely done in a single exchange of words. Usually, the more persistent party will prevail! Showing them you don't feel offended keeps the game going, but you want to end it. Try leaving it be, don't conceal your disappointment, and work over that most insults are based on the offender's own insecurity. Next time you meet, continue to be the mature one. Persist and win, or if it does not work even after multiple tries, then confront them in a non-aggressive, solution-oriented way. If they persist in negative behavior even after this, take it up a level: involve authority. At last, if that is not an option, walk away.

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What if I hate her because she dated my crush?

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She didn't really do anything wrong. It's not her fault you had a crush on the person she's dating. If you get to know her, you might be really good friends. At the very least, ignore her but if you're noble and brave, just say hi and try your best to assume nothing about her.

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