How to Confess

Co-authored by Nicole Barile, PhD, NTP

Last Updated: November 29, 2024 References

When we do bad things, we feel bad even if we're not caught or punished. The weight of our misdeeds falls upon our consciences, plaguing us with lingering feelings of guilt and depriving us of life's full joy. Luckily, there's a way out from under this burden of shame. To start down the path of healing, we first have to come clean about the bad things we've done.^{[1]
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Nicole Barile, PhD, NTP
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Nutritional Therapist

Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.} This opens the door to apology and forgiveness. Note: This article details a general process that's not religion-specific. If you're looking on information on how to make the Catholic sacrament of Confession, click here.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Owning Up to Your Wrongdoing

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1
Sit down with the person (or people) you've wronged. A confession should ideally be a private, intimate conversation between you and whoever you've affected with your actions. Don't invite more people than you need to - a confession should be a humbling affair, not a chance for you to perform for an audience. Organize a small, in-person get-together with the person(s) you've done wrong to. You can be as direct as you like in your invitation. There's nothing wrong with simply saying, "I have a confession to make. When can we meet?" Try not to make a joke about this, laughing maybe taken as an offense and will ruin the confession
- Give yourself some privacy. Confessions can, unfortunately, cause emotions to flare. Don't open yourself or your confessor up to embarrassment by, for example, confessing in a crowded restaurant.
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Prepare to be completely earnest and genuine. For much of our lives, we project certain facades and cultivate certain self-images that reflect how we want to be seen by other people. A confession is no time to worry about these things. Realize that a sincere confession reveals the inner "you." You can't make a good confession from a false position of superiority. You're acknowledging your own imperfection, which, for many people, is an especially difficult, intimate task. Any attempts to remain "cool" or aloof will make you seem insincere. Be ready to shed any pretenses that you normally maintain.
- Here's an example of a confession that sounds disingenuous: "Hey, Frank, I broke your trumpet. Sorry! Guess I don't know my own strength!" This confession doesn't seem to come from a place of sincere regret - by trying to keep the mood light, the speaker sacrifices the integrity of his confession. A better approach would be something like: "Hey, Frank. Listen, I have some bad news. I accidentally broke your trumpet. I'm so sorry. I know how important it was to you. "
- We don't only maintain facades when we deal with other people. We also routinely lie to ourselves about our true motivations. Be completely open and honest with your internal thoughts - why did you do the bad things you did? Don't make any excuses for yourself if you don't have any.
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Make an admission of guilt.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Nicole Barile, PhD, NTP
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Nutritional Therapist

Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.} This is the central purpose of your confession - to reveal that you've done wrong. Be direct and to the point. Tell the people you have gathered with that you've made a mistake that's hurt them. Tell them that you feel bad about what you've done and that you want forgiveness. Calmly and clearly explain what you did, how you've hurt them, and why you're sorry.^{[3]
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- Don't beat around the bush. If you're confessing for saying nasty about a friend behind his or her back, don't try to ease into the subject by, for instance, talking about how catty the characters in the movie Mean Girls are. It's much better to just say, "I was mad that you didn't invite me to go camping, so I told Jen that you hate her. I'm really, really sorry. It was seriously petty of me to ruin your friendship."
- Be prepared to weather the anger or grief of the people you've wronged. If you've seriously hurt someone, don't be surprised if they react to your confession by getting angry, crying, or shouting. The emotions surrounding a confession can be very painful. Know that, no matter how bad things get during a confession, by coming clean you're making things better in the long run than if you had allowed this person to continue without knowing the truth about things.
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Correct any false information or misconceptions. "Confession" implies that the knowledge of your wrongdoing is a secret. So, when you make a confession, you may also need to explain the true course of events surrounding your wrongdoing, especially if you've previously lied about what's happened. This is extremely important if someone else has taken the blame for your mistake or misdeed. You owe it to everyone involved to make sure they know the truth, even if the truth is painful.
- For instance, if you sat in silence as a classmate took the blame for the senior prank that you planned, when you confess to the principal, to exonerate the innocent party (your classmate) and to ensure that the guilty party (you) receive justice, you'll need to correct the "official" version of events.
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Be humble. By confessing to someone, we lower ourselves before them. A confession is no time to be stubborn or prideful. Don't try to paint your actions as somehow noble or well-intended if they weren't. Don't excuse yourself if you don't deserve it. Don't use a confession as an opportunity to subtly build yourself up or put the person you've wronged down. Acknowledge your wrongdoing with humble dignity.^{[4]
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- Never blame your victim while you're confessing. If you've "borrowed" a little money out of someone's purse, don't say something like "I'm sorry I took your money, but I only did it because you wouldn't buy me those shoes I liked."
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Ask for forgiveness. Be humble and direct. A line like "I'm really, really sorry. I hope you can forgive me" works fine. This should be what you want out of a confession - to get the assurance that you're forgiven in the heart of the person(s) you've hurt. This gives you a sense of closure and internal peace. It also allows you to begin to move on because when you're forgiven you know that you're "done" with the confession process. After you're forgiven, any additional guilt will have no purpose, so try to move on.^{[5]
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- Unfortunately, in some cases, the people you've wronged might not forgive you. If you've hurt someone multiple times or you've done something especially egregious, they're justified in withholding their forgiveness. In this case, it's not enough to say you're sorry - show them that you're truly repentant by changing your behavior.
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Ask for advice. You've confessed and (hopefully) been forgiven. How do you move forward? A good first step is to ask for advice on to what to do next. For instance, the person you hurt might give you instructions on how to make things up to them. They might also tell you who else you need to confess to. They might even tell you how your personal relationship has changed. If you've done something serious, your relationship with the people you've hurt may be subject to new rules or boundaries. For instance, if you've used your access to someone's sensitive information to spread gossip, you may no longer be trusted with secrets. Honor these new boundaries to show you're truly sorry and to speed your journey back to normal levels of trust.^{[6]
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- Remember that confession doesn't "wipe the slate clean." Don't return to your old bad behavior. A confession should be used not just for forgiveness, but also for growth, so be sure to move forward, away from your bad deeds, not backward.
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Notify the appropriate authorities for serious confessions. If you've done something wrong with serious consequences, like if you've committed a crime, you should make your initial confession to a law enforcement representative or another appropriate authority. Cooperating fully with the authorities also serves a practical purpose - it can be used to reduce the length or severity of your punishment.^{[7]
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- Never try to lie to a judge or police officer to avoid a confession. This is a crime. By making these lies, you make your eventual punishment even worse.

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Confessing in a Relationship

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1
Frame your confession as an act of love. It can be very, very hard to confess to someone you're romantically involved with. No one wants to hurt or disappoint the people they love. Unfortunately, by not confessing, you are hurting your S.O. They just don't know they're being hurt. Confessions within the context of a romantic relationship can be very difficult and painful, so, if you're hesitating, motivate yourself to start the confession process by thinking of your confession as an act of love. You're showing that you love your partner by telling them the truth, even if the truth damages their opinion of you.^{[8]
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- This being said, don't twist your love for your partner into an excuse for your actions. "I kept this information from you because I love you" isn't a justification for your behavior. If you haven't been honest to your partner, you've hurt them. Period.
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Explain what you've done. In a relationship, it's even more important than normal that your partner knows exactly how you've hurt them. Because you (presumably) still care about your partner, it can be tempting to avoid hurting his or her feelings by lying about what you've done to make your wrongdoing seem less serious than it is or somehow well-intentioned. Don't do this. Your partner deserves to know the truth, even if it's a painful truth. This will also open your relationship up to future heartbreak, should your lie be discovered. Be honest and tell the whole story of your wrongdoing.^{[9]
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- While it's very important to be forthcoming about what you've done, it's possible to cause unnecessary pain by giving too much detail in your confession. If, for instance, you've committed an act of infidelity, you should be honest about who was involved and when the event occurred, but you shouldn't go into a detailed play-by-play of the day's events unless you're asked to - this information can be very painful for your partner to hear.
- Think of a romantic confession as a particularly difficult way of updating your partner on the state of your relationship. You can't have a healthy relationship that's open to growth if both partners have different ideas about what's happening in the relationship.
There's a reason that we say that "trust is the foundation of a relationship." A relationship without some degree of trust isn't possible. We can't spy on our partners 24/7, so we trust them to be honest about what they've done and what they've said. We also trust our partners to be open about the way that they feel. If you've been concealing your actions or feelings from your partner, you've damaged their ability to trust you. A sincere apology may, in time, help you regain that trust.
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Apologize for damaging your relationship. In addition to apologizing for violating your partner's trust, you should also devote a little time to apologizing for the fact that you've reduced the happiness, openness, and overall health of the relationship you share. You have, in a sense, damaged something that you both own. Making a confession to your partner is like coming clean about ruining a project you both worked on together, but with very high emotional stakes.
- The time after a confession can be tense and awkward for both partners. It can even, depending on the severity of your wrongdoing, be marked by real sadness. When you apologize for damaging your relationship, it can be wise to apologize for the hard times your confession will cause in the near future.
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Accept the consequences of your actions. Confessing to wrongdoing is always a healthier, more honest thing to do that keeping your actions a secret. However, a confession can change a relationship. It may change the way your partner and you think about each other. It may change the amount that you trust each other. In serious cases, your relationship may even be damaged beyond repair. Accept these changes to your relationship. Confessions open up the path of healing and allow you to start working past your mistakes, but they don't absolve you of the consequences of your actions.^{[10]
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- Let's hypothetically say that you make a sincere confession to your partner about an act of infidelity you've committed. Suppose your partner says that s/he would like to "take a break" from your relationship. Even if this is very difficult for you, you need to humbly honor your partner's wish. After all, the relationship is as much your partner's as it is yours. If one partner wants to end a relationship or make a serious change to it, the other partner has no right to force him or her not to.

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How can I stop being scared of confessing?

Nicole Barile, PhD, NTP
Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Nutritional Therapist
Dr. Nicole Lippman-Barile is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner (NTP) who practices in New York. As a psychologist, she specializes in treating anxiety and mood disorders, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and related compulsive disorders. As a nutritional therapist, Dr. Lippman-Barile specializes in treating blood sugar dysregulation, digestive health, and mood disorders related to food. She holds a PhD in Clinical Psychology from Hofstra University and a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner Certification from the Nutritional Therapy Association.

Nicole Barile, PhD, NTP

Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Nutritional Therapist

Expert Answer

Confessing a mistake is difficult and scary, and a lot of times people want to avoid these feelings. The only way to get better at it is to practice. You will realize that the feeling of confession will free you of the burden you carry on your shoulders.

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I've done some cyberbullying, but I only did it because I was depressed about a lot of things and I needed to take it out on someone. The police are even investigating. How can I tell my teacher?

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Be honest. Think about the effect your bullying had on your victim/s and then talk to your teacher, admitting to everything you did. Make it clear that you understand how serious this is and the impact it might have had on the people you hurt. Explain about your depression, but tell them you are not trying to excuse your actions, just providing a full picture of the circumstances. Accept any consequences. If you really can't face doing this in person, write a letter to your teacher. Offer to apologize to your victim/s.

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My boyfriend has forgiven me for all sorts of mistakes. How can I tell him about something that I've done that may really upset him?

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Your boyfriend is being loyal and understanding, that is good. Don't hesitate to tell him. Go somewhere private with him and tell him what happened. Apologize wholeheartedly; let him know you never meant any harm. Good luck!

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Confession varies in every situation, in every approach. There are times when we thought we have not confessed, but in reality we have. Sometimes in certain situations we have defense mechanisms that are considered confession no matter how impersonal it may be. There are instances that we succumb to the inner voice kept within us.

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