Transphobic Parents: How to Deal with Them, Coming Out, & More

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Helping you find support and acceptance as a trans person

Co-authored by Inge Hansen, PsyD and Eric McClure

Last Updated: August 16, 2024 Fact Checked

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Dealing with Your Parents

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Coming Out to Transphobic Parents

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Support & Resources

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Expert Q&A

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Tips

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Warnings

If your parents are scared or uncomfortable with the fact that some people are transgender, it can be hard to be yourself around them. Dealing with your parent’s transphobia can be difficult and frustrating. We’ve answered your questions about handling tough conversations and troublesome comments at home so you can help your parents understand you better and (hopefully) reach a compromise with them. We even spoke to Inge Hansen, PsyD—a psychologist who specializes in gender and sexual identity—to help you navigate this situation and find the support you need.

Handling Transphobic Parents

Focus on creating as healthy of a headspace for yourself as possible. Get distance whenever you need room to breathe and set clear boundaries with your parents. Remember, there are tons of communities and support groups out there, so get help when you need it.

Section 1 of 3:

Dealing with Your Parents

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Make sure that you’re safe and out of danger. It doesn’t matter if they’re your parent—if they’re behaving in a way that feels actively dangerous or abusive, reach out for help. There are a ton of resources designed specifically for people in situations just like yours. Don’t be ashamed—reach out to someone.^{[1]
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- Resources you may find helpful: (all of these are 100% confidential and free)
  - If you’re spiraling or thinking about doing something you might regret, call The Trevor Project’s 24/7 hotline at 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386) if. If you can’t talk on the phone safely, use their online chat.
  - If you’re struggling with thoughts of self-harm, call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-TALK (8255).
  - The Trans Lifeline is available at 877-565-8860 if you need any kind of material support or you don’t know where to go. They also have a great resource library here.
- Are you in danger right now? Go to your local emergency room or police department. Explain what’s going on to someone in charge and ask for guidance or assistance.
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Set clear boundaries with your parents. Do not let your parents put you down for the way you dress, behave, or think—regardless of whether you are or aren’t out to them. Enforce your boundaries by using “I” statements to show how you feel and then explaining what will happen if your parents' behavior doesn’t change.^{[2]
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- “If you keep speaking down to me, I’m not going to want to hang out or talk to you.”
- “So what if I’m different? That doesn’t mean I don’t deserve respect. Please do not put me down for the way I am.”
- “My feelings are hurt. I’m not going to be happy to be around you if you continue acting like my feelings aren’t important.”
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Get distance whenever you need it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with creating some space between you and your parents if you need breathing room. Give your parents as little info as they need to leave you alone (“I just need a break”) and then go take a walk, lock yourself in your room, or go to a friend’s house.^{[3]
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- If you can’t physically remove yourself from a rough situation, throw on some headphones and listen to music. Or, get lost in a book or browse through Instagram and sing a song in your head.
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Seek support from family and friends who are allies. If your parents aren’t supportive and loving when it comes to your gender identity, find the next closest thing. Reach out to the friend, cousin, sibling, uncle, or grandparent who you’ve heard express pro-LGBTQ+ beliefs and build a relationship with them. You’d be surprised how comforting and powerful it is to have even one family member or friend in your corner.^{[4]
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- You don’t need to come out to the family member or friend if you don’t want to, but rest assured that most allies know the severity and seriousness of outing someone. Your secret should be safe with them if you trust them.
- Hansen says “Sometimes it’s necessary to speak with teachers and administrators…Finding community with other families who have trans kids can also be a great help. If you need it, a gender-affirmative therapist can fill a key role in your support system.”^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Inge Hansen, PsyD
  Clinical Psychologist
  
  Expert Interview. 19 November 2019.}
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Try to give your parents some time to grow. Your parents likely grew up in a time and place where trans people had such little visibility and freedom that your parents may have never even heard of gender dysphoria. While their cruelty today is certainly something they must be held accountable for, it may help to remember that they didn’t control how they were raised. It’s possible that your parents will change—they may just need time. As much as they may not deserve it, extend them some grace if you can.^{[6]
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- As tempting as it can be to lash out and fight whenever your parents say something insensitive, bigoted, or both, it’s not going to solve anything and it’s unlikely to make you feel better.
- Remember, your parents do love you! They just may not fully understand what you’re going through. Their behavior should improve over time as they get used to your new gender identity.
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Provide resources on LGBTQ+ issues if they’re receptive. If it won’t ruffle any feathers or start a fight, try to educate your parents about trans and nonbinary issues and what you are going through. Understanding what you are going through could help them accept you.^{[7]
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- “Hey, I know this is probably confusing and hard to understand. I emailed you some links that really resonated with me if you’re interested.”
- “I was confused about who I was for a long time, and I’m sure you’re confused about who I am now, too. You should check out this book I read; I can go get it for you!”
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Remind yourself that you aren’t stuck with them forever. Even if you can’t convince your parents to respect your transition, at least remember you have freedom on the horizon. Once you’re 18, you can leave home and find your tribe. Get excited! Picture all of the accepting friends you’ll make! Imagine being surrounded by the warm and lovely people you’ll meet. Seriously—your future is so much brighter than whatever you’re dealing with now.^{[8]
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- You might find a lot of solace by looking at some of the stories on It Gets Better. This LGBTQ+ project is built to share stories of resilience and hope for queer youth. Seeing how fulfilled, happy, and joyous LGBTQ+ adults are may help you feel better.

Section 2 of 3:

Coming Out to Transphobic Parents

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1
Don’t come out if you aren’t ready or you don’t think it’ll be safe. It is always up to you when it comes to who you choose to come out to. It’s also up to you to choose when to come out to those people. Hansen says, “Seek out ways to live in and express your gender when and wherever you can and still feel safe.”^{[9]
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Expert Source

Inge Hansen, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 19 November 2019.} If that involves coming out, great! If that isn’t the case yet, that’s okay too.^{[10]
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- If you do want to come out, don’t let the fact that your parents might respond negatively stop you so long as you’re sure you’ll be safe. You have to do what’s right for you, not them.
- Remember, you can always come out later after you’re out of the house if you’re worried about the reaction.
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Come out on your own terms in your own time. How you come out to your parents is entirely up to you. You can come out to both parents or only the most supportive parent. You can do it alone, or ask your best friend or closest extended family member to be there for support. Here are some tips:^{[11]
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- Come up with a script.
  - Warm them up (“I want to tell you something important if that’s okay. Do you have time to talk?”)
  - Soften their reaction (“You might be surprised,” “This is hard for me and it might be hard for you, but it’s important...”)
  - Tell your truth and speak from the heart (“I’m transgender,” “I’ve been a woman/man my entire life,” “I’m actually not your son/daughter...”)
  - Thank them if they’re supportive, and get space if they aren’t (“I can tell you’re mad. We can talk later,” “I can’t answer your questions when you talk to me like this,” “It’s my life and you have to respect that…”)

Section 3 of 3:

Finding Support

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Talk to a mental health professional. A therapist or counselor can help you work through your emotions and figure out your next steps. Choose a therapist who specializes in working with gender-diverse and LGBTQ+ clients. They can help you navigate how to handle conflicts, bring up transitioning, and feel better about being yourself.^{[12]
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- Find a therapist through your (or your family’s) insurance provider or a local mental health clinic. You can also ask friends or your local LGBTQ+ resource center for a referral.
- You can find a licensed therapist near you who specializes in gender issues using Psychology Today’s therapist search engine.
- Hansen points out if you’re looking for a therapist, “You can look at the specialties each therapist lists on their website to see if gender and sexuality are included. From there, it can still be very helpful to ask some direct questions about a therapist’s experience and background before starting work with them.”^{[13]
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  Expert Source
  
  Inge Hansen, PsyD
  Clinical Psychologist
  
  Expert Interview. 19 November 2019.}
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Join your local LGBTQ+ community or resource center. There are lots of ways to get involved and meet other people who are LGBTQ+ and gender diverse. Depending on where you live, there might be an LGBTQ+ community in your town that can provide resources, counseling, and support. If you can’t find a center near you, join an online community. You can meet others your age with similar concerns and problems regarding family.^{[14]
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- The most comprehensive directory of LGBTQ+ centers can be found at CenterLink.
- If you’re in college (or about college-aged), look up your local college’s LGBTQ+ Support Service Center.
- While they don’t specialize in LGBTQ+ services, your local Planned Parenthood will know where the local LGBTQ+ centers are if you can’t find them online.
- If you can’t visit a center in person due to geographic restrictions or a tight leash from your parents, visit Trans Lifeline online. They have free hotlines and chatrooms for trans youth.
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Find your tribe online if you don’t know any trans people IRL. There are transgender people everywhere, but the world isn’t always as accepting as it should be. As a result, there are tons of online communities for trans people. If you’re feeling alone, you need guidance, or you’re just looking to talk to other LGBTQ+ youth, poke around online.^{[15]
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- Reddit has a lot of great trans communities. Get material support at r/TransSupport, or ask experienced transgender people for guidance at r/asktransgender. You can even find mentorship or support at r/TransAdoption/.
- There are over 500 organized clubs and online boards for LGBTQ+ teens at Trever Space, a resource run by The Trevor Project—another great resource on its own.
- If you have Discord, check out Transpeak, which is a popular safe space for transgender youth.
- The Tribe is a nonprofit-supported platform for LGBTQ people that focuses on wellness, health, and growth.

Expert Q&A

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Question

I am FtM and 16 years old. How do I come out to my mom when I'm the only girl she has and already has 2 sons and had a miscarriage of a baby girl?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Your mother's ambitions for a girl should not be your concern. That is for her to come to terms with. Your only task to to make yourself known and heard.

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My mum's supportive but since I told my dad, both of them seem against it. He says it stems from depression and threatened to pull me out of school. He's forcing God down my throat. What do I do?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Try to educate him on the topic by providing some written material or having him attend a support meeting with you. If he is still too blinded by his faith to accept you, then you may just have to move on without him in your life for now.

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Tips

If you are underage and feel unsafe in your home, consider getting emancipated.

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Tips from our Readers

The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.

If you haven't come out yet but you know you're trans, try to keep track who does and does not say supportive things of LGBTQ+ people. This way, if you do need someone safe to talk to in the future, you won't need to do any guessing on who's safe to talk to.
When you're planning on coming out, let a good friend know you may need to spend the night the day of. This way, you can go to your friend's house if your parents react strongly and they end up needing time to process.

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Warnings

If you’re feeling suicidal, call for help right away. In the USA, call the Trevor Project at 866-488-7386 or the Trans Lifeline at 877-565-8860.

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