"Why Is My Boyfriend So Mean to Me?" How to Handle an Angry Partner

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Learn how to live with (or move on from) a mean bf

Co-authored by Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC and Cheyenne Main

Last Updated: November 29, 2024 Fact Checked

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Strategies for Dealing with a Mean Boyfriend

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Why Your Boyfriend Is Mean When Angry

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Signs of a Mean Boyfriend

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Signs of an Abusive Boyfriend

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Video

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Expert Q&A

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Tips

It can be incredibly painful or draining when your boyfriend is mean when he’s angry. However, it’s important to remember that his emotions are not your fault. If this is the first time he’s taken his anger out this way, we’ll give you some tips for working through his emotions together and talking about how his words or actions make you feel. We’ll also give you a few reasons why your boyfriend might be mean to you and address when his behavior is actually a sign of abuse. Keep reading for more.

Understanding a BF Who Is Mean When He’s Angry

Your boyfriend may have learned to react this way during childhood or he may be dealing with unresolved traumas. Initiate a conversation with him about how both of you are feeling and set boundaries to improve your future interactions. If you ever feel afraid, get help from a loved one or a national DV hotline.

Section 1 of 4:

What to Do If Your Boyfriend Is Mean When Angry

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1
Ask him why he’s angry and validate his feelings. When someone feels like they’re being listened to and validated, they’re more likely to hear your point of view.^{[1]
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Mind
U.K.-based mental health charity focused on providing advice and resources to anyone facing mental health problems.

Go to source} When you’ve both calmed down, gently ask why he’s angry. As he talks, practice active listening by maintaining eye contact, repeating what he says for accuracy, and allowing him to talk without interruption.^{[2]
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- Letting your partner talk about why he’s upset isn’t giving into his emotions—it’s just a way to put out the fire so you can talk about the issue calmly together.^{[3]
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- Repeat what he’s saying as he explains his perspective. For example, you may say, “I understand that you’re frustrated because I didn’t call you back when I was out with my friends.”
- If this conversation makes him angrier or makes the situation worse, tell him that you need some space to calm down and think. Leave the room for a few hours, or even spend a few days apart.
2
Directly express how his mean actions made you feel. Say something like, “I care about our relationship” or “I know you don’t mean to upset me” to validate his frustrations. Then, describe the mean behavior that your partner displayed during your argument, use an “I” statement to explain how it made you feel, and ask him if he would change that behavior.^{[4]
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- For example, you might say, “I know you didn’t mean to upset me, but I felt really hurt and sad when you said I’m terrible at cooking. I would like it if you didn’t insult my abilities like that.”
- Or you could say, "I feel hurt when you come home from work and immediately get frustrated with me. I want our home to feel like a safe and calm environment, and lately I don't feel relaxed."
- Try to say what you want your relationship to look like—"My goal is for us to both communicate how to keep our stress levels down and enjoy each other's company. I want us to thrive and be happy."
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3
Ask what he needs from you and work on a solution together. Your boyfriend’s mean words and actions may stem from feeling treated unfairly. If that’s the case, reassure him that you want to be proactive and find a way to address his frustrations. Find a middle ground that allows both of you to feel satisfied and doesn’t compromise your values.^{[5]
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- Discuss strategies that can help him diffuse his emotions. If he’s frequently stressed about work, you could talk about setting aside an hour each day to relax alone before spending time together.^{[6]
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- Stick to one issue at a time. Couples who stick to one argument have enough time to process their emotions, creating a better chance of finding a solution.^{[7]
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- Advocate for yourself and express when a request isn't reasonable. If he wants you to skip work or school to spend time with him, say, “I really need to focus on my responsibilities. My future is important to me.”
4
Define your boundaries and follow up on consequences. Be as straightforward as possible when you set your boundaries. Even if he isn’t aware of what he’s doing, be direct and point out how he’s being inappropriate.^{[8]
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Research source}If your conversation feels more abusive than productive, tell him that you need a break and will come back in an hour.^{[9]
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- “Don’t stand in front of the door. I’m allowed to leave at any moment.”
- “Put down that book. It’s not okay to throw things in our house.”
- “Please lower your voice. We need to have a civil discussion.”
- “I’m not going to give you my passwords. That’s an invasion of privacy.”
- To take a break, set a timer and go to a place where he can’t engage with you during that time. Take a walk, lock yourself in your room, or drive to a safe location.^{[10]
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- If your boyfriend is pounding on the door, threatening you, or otherwise being violent, call the police.
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Ban the use of insults, name-calling, cursing, or yelling. When your partner yells or uses put-downs, it can cause you to feel defensive or return the favor, which can make your argument unproductive.^{[11]
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Research source} If your boyfriend slips up, gently remind him that his language isn’t acceptable, take a break, and come back when you both cool down.^{[12]
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- For example, say something like, “I understand that you’re upset about me not calling you back, but that kind of language isn’t helping either of us. Remember, we agreed to talk about this without using those words.”
- Or say, “I feel anxious when you yell, and when that happens, I can’t concentrate on this topic. Either you stop shouting, or I'll talk to you later when we’ve both had a chance to calm down."
- Before coming back to the discussion, remind yourself of your boundaries. Tell yourself that if he starts to call you names again, you will tell him you won’t tolerate that behavior and walk away if he doesn’t stop.
- Your boyfriend doesn’t have the right to hurt you, and you never deserve verbal abuse. If he continues to disrespect your boundaries, walk away from the conversation.
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Stand up for yourself if he tries to blame you for his anger. Blaming is ineffective because it distracts you both from actually resolving your issue.^{[13]
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Research source} If he constantly tries to blame you for his anger when it isn’t your fault, use an “I” statement to tell him how it makes you feel and encourage him to do the same.^{[14]
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- “I feel very upset and hurt when you blame me for all of our problems.”
- It may be helpful to address how you may have enabled this behavior by not setting boundaries earlier. That way, you can show your partner that conversation is a dialogue, not an attack.
- If he tries to play the blame game in the future, say something like, “We promised not to blame each other. Remember, our main goal here is to find a way to get through this.”
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Use positive reframing to prevent getting defensive. “Positive reframing” helps you get rid of negative thoughts by looking at a situation with a different view.^{[15]
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Research source} Practice positive reframing when your boyfriend is angry so you can avoid feeling shame or negativity. For example, instead of telling yourself, “All I do is irritate him,” say, “He must be having a bad day.”
- It’s not always easy to feel empathy for a person who’s being mean. However, by choosing to reframe his anger, you keep yourself from becoming defensive.
- Just because you reframe his anger doesn't mean that you have to accept it. Positive reframing is a tool to remind yourself that you’re not the one at fault.
8
Accept that you can’t “fix” your boyfriend. Have some grace for yourself and acknowledge that you aren’t capable of making your partner change—only he can do that. You can’t force the situation—especially if he thinks he isn’t doing anything wrong.^{[16]
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State of Massachusetts
Official website for the State of Massachusetts

Go to source} Remind yourself that there are limits to how much you can help him, and try to put your needs first.
- For example, if you feel guilty because you told your boyfriend you can’t drop everything for him, tell yourself, “I wish I could have helped, and I know he will continue to be angry, but I need to take care of myself.”
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Focus on boosting your self-worth. When your partner talks down to you or calls you names, it can take a toll on your sense of inner peace. You don’t deserve to be treated badly by anyone. When things feel overwhelming, take a deep breath and work on your self-care to balance out your emotions and make you feel better about yourself.^{[17]
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Research source} You might:^{[18]
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National Institute of Mental Health
Informational website from U.S. government focused on the understanding and treatment of mental illness.

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- Repeat positive affirmations in the mirror each day.
- Eat healthy meals at regular times and drink plenty of water.
- Stick to a consistent sleep schedule.
- Practice low-stress hobbies you enjoy, like reading or gardening.
- Identify and challenge any negative thoughts you have.
- Engage in meditation or muscle relaxation exercises.
- Reach out to family members or friends for emotional support.
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Consider a therapist if the situation remains unresolved. If you and your boyfriend continue to face conflicts, it may help to consult a professional. A counselor who specializes in relationships might de-escalate issues. They can address both your needs, share ways to cope with frustrations, and improve your level of communication.^{[19]
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- A therapist acts as a trained third party, so they can discuss both of your perspectives without taking sides.
- If your boyfriend doesn't agree to go to therapy, consider going by yourself to receive extra support and process your emotions.
11
Consider breaking up with him if he ignores your boundaries. If your boyfriend continues to yell at or insult you when he’s angry, or if he doesn’t respect the boundaries you set, it may be best to end the relationship. Choose somewhere private to talk to him, and try to be gentle and honest about why you want to break up.^{[20]
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- You might say something like, “I like you a lot, but the way we fight has made me feel unhappy for a long time. I feel like it would be best if we ended our relationship.”
- Try not to talk about what didn’t work in your relationship too long. Instead, focus on telling him you want to break up so no one gets a false sense of hope.^{[21]
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- If your boyfriend is emotionally abusive, try not to think that things will change. People only change if they want to, and you can’t count on that to happen. Put your safety first.^{[22]
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Esther Perel, Psychotherapist

You have control over yourself and your relationships. "It takes two people to create a pattern, but only one to change it."

Section 2 of 4:

Why is your boyfriend mean when he’s angry?

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1
He might have learned to be that way in childhood. How people learn to cope with anger is often influenced by how they were raised. If your boyfriend grew up thinking that it’s okay to act aggressively when you’re angry, he may have never learned to understand or manage his emotions in a healthy way.^{[23]
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Mind
U.K.-based mental health charity focused on providing advice and resources to anyone facing mental health problems.

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- However, this doesn’t excuse the way he treats you now—it’s just another way to understand where he’s coming from so you can work through it together.
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He’s still coping with situations that made him angry in the past. This potential reason might be especially prevalent if he wasn’t able to safely express his anger at the time. He might still be wrestling with leftover emotions from things like bullying, abuse, racism, or trauma. New situations arising now might make him feel like daily conflicts are too much to deal with, causing him to lash out.^{[24]
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Mind
U.K.-based mental health charity focused on providing advice and resources to anyone facing mental health problems.

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- If this is the case, you might gently suggest that he see a mental health professional who can work through those experiences with him.
3
He’s dealing with a difficult situation now. Losing a job, feeling stressed at work, dealing with chronic pain, or suffering from mental health issues may make it harder for your boyfriend to manage his emotions. He might also feel angry at global events happening in the world or other issues that he feels powerless to stop.^{[25]
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Mind
U.K.-based mental health charity focused on providing advice and resources to anyone facing mental health problems.

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- If he’s dealing with physical pain or mental health issues, you may help him arrange to see a doctor or work with a professional to improve his situation.^{[26]
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  Mind
  U.K.-based mental health charity focused on providing advice and resources to anyone facing mental health problems.
  
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He feels threatened or attacked. If your boyfriend starts being mean to you in the middle of an argument or conversation about his behavior, it may be because he feels like you’re being aggressive towards him.^{[27]
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Research source} One of the most effective ways to avoid this is to frame the effects of the situation around your personal experiences using “I” statements.^{[28]
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- For example, you might say “When you say that I am being too sensitive, it makes me feel like my feelings aren’t valid.”

Section 3 of 4:

How can you tell if your boyfriend is irritable or mean?

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A mean boyfriend concentrates his anger and insults on you. A person who’s temporarily irritable might occasionally say something they don’t mean. However, a mean person will say these things intentionally, gaslight you (blame you or twist reality), or put you down, even in a teasing way.^{[29]
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Research source} He also might have crossed that line if:^{[30]
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- He often criticizes your actions, choices, or appearance.
- He constantly shames you for your thoughts or actions.
- He blames you for his emotions or outbursts.
- He intentionally humiliates you in front of other people.
- He calls you names or makes mean jokes about you.
- He makes your thoughts, values, or opinions seem unimportant.
- He accuses you of things that you didn’t do (like cheating) to manipulate you.
- He constantly invades your privacy by reading your messages, monitoring your social media, or showing up at events you’re attending alone.

Section 4 of 4:

When is your boyfriend’s anger a sign of abuse?

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It’s emotional abuse if he controls, isolates, or frightens you. According to psychotherapist Stefanie Barthmare, “feelings like being afraid, overwhelmed, [or] terrified can signal abusive behavior patterns in a relationship.” Even though it can be hard, it may be best to leave your partner and remove yourself from harm.^{[31]
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National Domestic Violence Hotline
Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse

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- Barthmare says to “talk to others who you know and trust and share your fears. Get a gauge for how other couples are handling conflict and ask yourself: ‘How far off are your partner’s reactions and behavior from others?’”
- Emotional abuse is serious and can escalate over time. Even if it doesn’t seem that bad right now, the verbal abuse could become physical in the future.^{[32]
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  National Domestic Violence Hotline
  Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse
  
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- Call 911 or your local emergency number if you're in immediate danger.
- Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text “START” to 88788 to talk about the next steps and the options available to you.
- Try to avoid going back to your partner, even if he pleads or says he'll change. Keep details about your plan private so your boyfriend isn't able to find you.

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What if my boyfriend is angry because I refused to offer him sex when he wanted it?

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If your partner is pressuring you for sex, that qualifies as a form of abuse. Whenever someone tries to make you feel guilty for expressing your boundaries, reevaluate your relationship with them. Your needs and your bodily autonomy are important. You were right to speak up and refuse unwanted intimacy. If your boyfriend continues to act out because of this situation, talk about this with someone you trust and consider distancing yourself from him. Alternatively, see if he can consult a therapist about his inappropriate behavior and commit to respecting his partner's wishes. Above all, you should be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel valued and safe.

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Tips

Disagreements are common in relationships, but it’s not healthy for your partner to scream at you, mock you, call you names, or threaten you. If this happens frequently, it’s abuse.^{[33]
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Try not to say “never” or “always”—making general statements about your partner can make him defensive, which can derail the conversation from the issue.^{[34]
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If you’re planning to break up with an abusive boyfriend, save money in case you need somewhere to stay. Make sure you have transportation so you can leave when you need to.

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