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Do you feel drained after talking to your roommate? A toxic roommate might be overbearing, manipulative, dramatic, or inconsiderate—which aren’t great qualities to have when you share a home together. Fortunately, by setting clear boundaries and expectations, you can nip your roommate’s toxic behavior in the bud. Read this article to learn how to deal with a toxic roommate and make your home a fun place to be again.

1

Write up a roommate agreement.

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  1. If you find that you and your roommate are arguing about who should do what around the house, sit down and come up with an agreement together. Talk about cleaning schedules, having guests over, and an acceptable quiet period when it’s time to go to sleep.[1]
    • Make sure you listen to your roommate’s input about the agreement as well. Go into the conversation without judgment, and aim to be supportive.
    • When you have your agreement all written out, post it in a common area where you can both reference it at any time.
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2

Set clear boundaries for yourself.

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  1. When you have a toxic roommate, they might try to manipulate you into doing their chores or letting bad behavior slide. Let your roommate know that you won’t stand for that by stating your boundaries clearly.[2]
    • “From now on, I won’t be able to help you with your chores anymore. I have a ton of school work to do, and I also have my own chores.”
    • “I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t talk badly about me to your friends. It’s hurtful to hear the things you’ve said about me, and I’d rather you bring up problems with me face to face.”
3

Talk to your roommate about problems.

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  1. While it can seem easier to let things go, in the long-run, you’ll be much happier if you confront your roommate head-on. If your roommate isn’t holding up their end of the bargain, have a chat with them and talk about what’s going on.[3]
    • “Hey, could we talk for a second? There are some dirty dishes in the kitchen, and they’ve been there for a few days. Just wanted to see if you’re going to do them soon.”
    • “Could we maybe have a set quiet period at night? I’m having trouble sleeping, especially when you have a lot of people over.”
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4

Suggest solutions for big issues.

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  1. When you bring up a problem with them, don’t treat it like an attack or a blame session. Instead, come up with a solution ahead of time, then get their input on it. Toxic people are usually more receptive if they feel like you’re having a conversation instead of attacking them.[4]
    • “I was wondering if we could both agree to check in with each other before we throw parties. That way, we can fit them into our schedule so they work for both of us.”
    • “What if we made a chore chart? It would definitely help me track my chores so I know I’m getting them done.”
5

Empathize with your roommate.

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  1. Although your roommate’s toxic behavior can be annoying, they’re probably not doing it on purpose. A lot of times, toxic people do the things they do because they aren’t sure how to express themselves. Try to see the good in your roommate, too.[5]
    • If they’re constantly passive aggressive, they might not know how to bring up things that are bothering them.
    • If they always gossip about other people, they might be feeling insecure or jealous of others.
    • Try to recognize that your roommate’s problems are their own, not yours. The more energy you can put into your own well-being, the better.
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6

Call out manipulative behavior.

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  1. A lot of toxic people keep being toxic because no one calls them out on it. If your roommate does or says something that rubs you the wrong way, calmly but firmly tell them that it wasn’t okay. Try to do it privately so they don’t feel attacked, and don’t back down if they make excuses or push back.[6]
    • If your roommate overreacts about something super small: “Don’t you think you might be overreacting a little? You did pretty much the same thing last week, and I didn’t yell at you about it.”
    • If your roommate is being passive aggressive: “Hey, is something bothering you? I can tell you’re upset because you aren’t talking to me. Why don’t we sit down and have a conversation about whatever it is.”
    • If your roommate talks about you behind your back: “If you have a problem with me, I’d love it if we could talk it out together. Hearing about our issues from other people isn’t fun.”
7

Praise their positive behavior.

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8

Ignore negativity.

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  1. It can be exhausting to come home after a long day and immediately hear your roommate launch into a long, negative rant. Give them as little of a reaction as possible so they get the hint and stop complaining to you all the time.[8]
    • If they really aren’t getting the hint, try saying something like, “Hey, sorry to interrupt, but I’ve got a huge day tomorrow and I need to get to bed.”
    • If your roommate gossips about you, try to surround yourself with supportive friends. They can help deflect rumors and prove that what your roommate said isn’t true.
9

Try not to talk badly about your roommate.

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Warnings

  • If your roommate gets physically or emotionally abusive toward you, start looking for housing alternatives. If you feel that you're in danger, call the authorities right away.
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Expert Interview

Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about roommates, check out our in-depth interview with Sabrina Grover, LMSW.

About This Article

Sabrina Grover, LMSW
Co-authored by:
Licensed Master Social Worker
This article was co-authored by Sabrina Grover, LMSW and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden. Sabrina Grover, LMSW is a Licensed Master Social Worker (LMSW) who earned her degree in Advanced Clinical Practice from New York University. Sabrina has experience working in substance abuse recovery centers and schools where she gained experience providing evidence-based treatment to children, adolescents, adults, and families. Sabrina specializes in Dialectical, Narrative, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapies. She has particular expertise in treating clients struggling with grief, complex trauma, interpersonal difficulty, family conflict, anxiety, and depression. She commits to providing a supportive environment for everyone who commits to growth and offering a warm, non-judgmental atmosphere. This article has been viewed 43,058 times.
14 votes - 57%
Co-authors: 4
Updated: June 1, 2024
Views: 43,058
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 43,058 times.

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