How to Decide if You Should Rekindle an Old Flame

Co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW

Last Updated: July 5, 2024

Relationships can be tough and sometimes they end without you having fully explored their potential. Perhaps you have recently come in contact with an ex or have just been thinking about them lately and are considering reaching out. Rekindling an old relationship can be successful depending upon both parties compatibility and mindset, but the new relationship may also end the way your previous one did. Before you reach out or respond to an ex, however, assess your feelings logically and then make the decision that is best for you.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Assessing the Situation

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1
Decide if you are acting out of loneliness. Sometimes, your feelings for your ex may never have gone away and your desire to reach out to them may come from that. However, there are other times when you might feel the need to reach out to an ex because you are lonely, heard a certain song, or saw a movie that reminded you of them. Whatever the case, you should never rehash old feelings out of loneliness.^{[1]
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- If your feelings and thoughts of them have been persisting for a while, then your desire to reach out may be beyond loneliness and is worth considering.
- If you are simply desiring physical or romantic companionship, however, avoid contacting or responding to an ex. Doing so will only drudge up unnecessary feelings.
2
Reflect on your relationship and why it ended. Sometimes, relationships end in confusion, without either party having fully explored their feelings. However, sometimes they end definitively, such as when one party is unfaithful or abusive. In thinking back on your relationship, be very honest with yourself and avoid seeing it with rose colored glasses.^{[2]
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- If your relationship ended over differences in core values, it is probably best to leave it at that.
- If your relationship was abusive or traumatic for you, it is also best to move on.
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3
Journal your thoughts. Your thoughts about the relationship and what to do may feel confusing and all jumbled up in your head. You might find it helpful to write out your feelings onto paper to help you sort through them. Take some time before making a decision to process your thoughts fully.
- Make a pros and cons list of reaching out to or responding to your ex. Maybe your ex was thoughtful and kind, but also very jealous and sometimes controlling.
4
Assess their actions, not their words. If your ex has reached out to you, they are likely saying a lot of things to try to woo you to be back with them. However, you should remember that actions speak louder than words. If your ex is showing you that they have genuinely changed and want to reconnect, then perhaps it is worth exploring. ^{[3]
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- However, if they are not respecting your space, lashing out at you or rushing you to make a decision, then perhaps that is your sign to cease conversations.
5
Give yourself time. Even after thinking about what you should do, you may not be able to come to a clear decision for a while. Remember to never act out of confusion. If your relationship is meant to be, it should feel right and natural to you and you should have no hesitations.
- Reader Poll: We asked 353 wikiHow readers who've considered rekindling with an ex, and 52% of them agreed that their biggest concern is the fear of repeating the same mistakes and ending up hurt again. [Take Poll] Make sure you’ve grown as a person and are in the right headspace if you’re thinking about rekindling the relationship.
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Talk to your family and friends. Though you should certainly make your own decisions, your family and friends might have some insights that could be helpful for you. Talking through your thoughts can also be helpful for you in decision making. Ask your family for their opinion of your ex and your past relationship.
- If all of your family and friends warn you against it, that might be a sign to not proceed. Your friends and family will typically have your best interests at heart.
- Avoid talking to your single friends unless you trust them completely; sometimes, your single friends might want to keep you single with them.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Dealing With Your Emotions

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1
Remember that jealousy is normal. You might have found out that your ex has recently gotten into a new relationship or is perhaps married or getting married. Maybe you felt a pang in your heart upon discovering this or feel regret for your relationship ending as it did. You should remember, however, that jealousy is normal and it tends to dissipate over time.^{[4]
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- Avoid looking at pictures of your ex until your feelings about them go away.
- Block or unfollow them on social media to avoid hurt feelings.
2
Get comfortable with being alone. Your feelings of wanting to reconnect may stem from your not knowing how to be alone. Take some time to disconnect from always needing to be connected. Spend some time being alone doing things that you enjoy, like exercising, shopping, or listening to music. Though you do not always want to be alone, you should still know how to be in order to maintain your independence.^{[5]
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- Spend time reading, making dinner, or perhaps even going to the movies alone.
3
Go out on other dates. Rather than focusing all of your romantic attention onto your ex, try to find others to focus it on. Go out on a few dates or even second dates if you are interested. You might find that your feelings for you ex were temporary and you might also find the love that you have been looking for.^{[6]
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- If your feelings for your ex are truly substantial, then they will persist no matter how many dates you go on.
4
Distract yourself. When you are feeling that you might want to reach out to an ex, but are unsure if doing so is the right decision, then distract yourself for a bit to get your mind off things. Your feelings may have arisen out of boredom.
- Listen to some music, clean your house, or watch a movie. Your desire to reach out will often go away after sufficient distraction.
5
Assess whether forgiveness is possible. Perhaps an ex who did you wrong has recently reached out looking to connect. Perhaps your time apart has given you the space that you needed to be able to forgive your ex and move forward. However, some things for you may be personally unforgivable. Assess whether or not the wrongs that they did to you during your relationship can be overcome.^{[7]
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- Perhaps you broke up over something small that seems silly now. Pursuing the relationship might be worth your while.
- If you broke up because your ex violated your trust or safety in a major way, however, consider whether it is smart or reasonable to reconnect again.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Reaching Out to Your Ex

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1
Contact them. If after much introspection and assessment of your feelings you still want to connect with your ex, then reach out to them. Call them, email them, send them a letter, or reach out via social media and express your desire to reconnect or talk. If they have made the first move, then respond to their message and let them know what you have decided.
- You might say “Hey, I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but you have been on my mind for a long time. I miss you. I wanted to know if we could talk soon?”
- If they reached out first, you might either say “I’ve been thinking about you, too and would like to talk” or, if you don’t want to reconnect you could say, “I’ve been thinking about it and I’ve decided that I don’t want to get back together.”
2
Get closure. Perhaps you don’t want to get back together with your ex, but you do have some lingering questions that you have always wanted to ask. In this instance, if you don’t think it would be too emotional for you, you could reach out to ask your ex to have a conversation.
- You might say something like “Hey, I know we broke up on not the best of terms. I’m not reaching out to try to get back together, but I do have a few questions about why we broke up and would like some clarity if you have a few moments to talk.”
- Remember as well that sometimes re-opening the breakup raises even more questions and confusion. If you can live at peace without having these answers, then try to do so.
3
Offer friendship first, if possible. If you are thinking that getting back together is a good option, but want to be cautious moving forward, then consider working on being friends with your ex first. This can be a great way to establish trust and work towards getting to know each other again in a safe way.^{[8]
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- You should still make it known to them that you are interested in something more with them in the future, however, so that they don’t only view you as a friend.
- You can say “I do want to talk more about getting back together, but can we work on being friends first?”
4
Prepare for their response. Know that you cannot control what your ex says to you; you can only control your own actions. Prepare yourself to be at peace regardless of the outcome. Your ex could decide that they want to get back together or they could decide that they would prefer to be apart. Or, if they are the initiator, they might not respond well if you decide to reject their advances. Whatever the outcome, know that you will be okay regardless.
- Don’t beg them to get back together; step away from the situation and find happiness apart from them.
5
Move forward. If you and your ex decide to get back together, then work to create a relationship that is healthy, respectful and loving. And if one party decides that they do not want to relationship, then work to create peace with that as well. Remember that happiness cannot be attained if only one person wants it. It must be mutual in order for it to be good.
- If you both decide to reconnect, spend time talking, go out on dates, and discuss how to prevent past issues from resurfacing in your relationship.
- If you decide to not move forward, then distance yourself by ceasing contact and perhaps even blocking your ex from contacting you.