How to Find Out if a Person Actually Misses You

Co-authored by Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD

Last Updated: August 18, 2023 References

When you are separated from someone you care about, it's natural to wonder if that person misses you. Perhaps you have grown apart from a former friend, relative, or someone else with whom you used to be intimate. Or perhaps you just wonder whether your boyfriend or girlfriend really misses you during that business trip. Find out if someone misses you without resorting to stalking or acting inappropriately.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Finding Out if Someone Misses You When You've Drifted Apart or Broken Up

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1
Suggest a meeting and pay attention to the person's reaction. If you sense that a friendship is waning and you want to know whether your friend misses you, invite them to get together for something friendly and light, like a cup of coffee. If your friend reacts enthusiastically, it's likely that they miss you, too. On the other hand, if they postpone the meeting or seem reluctant to get together, recognize that they probably don't miss you.^{[1]
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- Be honest but non-accusatory about missing your friend. Say something like: “I miss our fun Friday night hang-outs! Do you want to get together again soon?”
2
Talk about the underlying issues. If your friendship has grown distant and you're not sure why, it may be more helpful to talk directly with your friend about the cause of the distance. Tell your friend that you've noticed that the two of you are not as close anymore. Ask if you did anything to cause offense or to hurt your friend. If the answer is yes, be ready to listen to what your friend has to say without leaping to your own defense.
- It may be helpful to ask directly if the person misses you, but be careful about putting them on the spot. If they feel accused, they might not answer honestly.
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3
Talk to mutual friends. Be clear about your needs and intentions. For example, you can tell a friend: “I feel like I've grown further away from our mutual friend lately, and it makes me sad. Do you think it would be worth it for me to reach out to them right now?” Listen thoughtfully to the reply.
- Don't ask about whether someone misses you only in order to make yourself feel better.
4
Let relationships end naturally. Recognize the signs of a friendship that is coming to its close. There may be long silences or awkward gaps in the conversation. Making plans may be more difficult. Misunderstanding may happen more often. Not all friendships are meant to last forever; as interests and lives evolve, so will relationships.^{[2]
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- If your friendship is coming to an end, don't obsess about whether your friend misses you. Instead, celebrate the good things the friend brought to your life and move on.
Even if a former friend or ex-partner does miss you, that doesn't necessarily mean that they want to restart the relationship. You both may be mourning the loss of the good parts of what you had together. However, that doesn't mean that getting back together is a good idea.^{[3]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Finding Out if Your Partner Misses You When You're Not Together

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1
Notice how often they call or text. If the person is often reaching out to talk, they probably miss you when you're not around. Everyone has different styles around communication, but frequent phone calls and messages are a good sign of investment in a relationship.^{[4]
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- If the person is kind of popping in and out of your life to check on you, they're probably missing you and wondering how you feel. That behavior is usually called "submarining".
When someone misses you, they will sound engaged and eager when you do speak. If the person sounds distracted when you're catching up after a long time, it may be a sign that they didn't miss you.
3
Be honest when you're feeling insecure. If you feel anxious or insecure when your partner is away, it's better to be honest about it. Asking, “Did you miss me?” or “Do you still love me?” is unlikely to address your real feelings. If your partner says, “Yes,” you might not believe them, while if they say, “No,” you'll feel even worse. Instead, ask directly for the reassurance that you need.^{[5]
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- For example, you could say: “I've had a terrible day and I'm feeling pretty lonely and insecure tonight. Can you indulge me with some extra support and tell me that you love me and miss me?”
4
Pay attention to what they share with you. If your friend or partner shares images or links that made them think of you, it means just that: they're thinking of you. When you are not together, you are still in the person's mind.
- If it's an ex-partner, see if the person is peeking through your profiles in social media. Liking and commenting on your posts, even though you're not really close anymore, can sometimes indicate that they miss you.
- Presents are another way of demonstrating caring and engagement. Even if you don't always love the thing a friend or partner got you, recognize that this, too, is evidence that they were thinking about you when you were not together.^{[6]
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- If they are eager to tell you about the details of their boring conference or flight connections, recognize that it's probably because they want to keep talking to you. Sharing mundane details is a way of maintaining connection across distance and shows that they miss you when you are apart.^{[7]
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If you are far apart, it may be harder to read the signs of affection in your partner's body. If you can talk by video, look for a tilted head and sustained eye-contact. Over the phone, a softer or higher tone of voice conveys intimacy.
Pair bonding between couples means that separation can cause increased stress and anxiety. If they are especially worried or unsettled while you are apart, it may be that they are missing you.^{[8]
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Expert Q&A

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Question

How do you know if someone misses you badly?

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Relationship Psychologist
Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD

Relationship Psychologist

Expert Answer

Sometimes it can be difficult to discern whether or not a person misses you, but you can look at their behaviors for a few telltale signs. For instance, you may hear from others how much you are missed by this person, and this usually means you are truly missed. The best way to find out, though, is through real action: if they are making plans to travel to you and follow through with these plans, you know they miss you.

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Question

If a girl graduated high school and you're still in school can there be a way for them to be together again?

Community Answer

Yes. Keep in touch through letters, messages, and phone calls. But be sure to respect her need to explore her new life, too. If you have a strong connection and treat each other well, you will be able to overcome a period of separation.

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Question

We were together, but then we broke it off, and now we're friends. He constantly misses me, and I miss him. He always texts and calls every day and says, "I love you, and I miss you". How do I know if he wants to be in a relationship?

Community Answer

If he's constantly texting and calling and telling you he loves you and misses you, he's sending some pretty clear signals. If you want to resume the relationship, too, sit down with him and talk about what it would take for the two of you to get back together.

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Warnings

Don't stalk someone in real life or online. If you find yourself consumed with thoughts about whether or not someone misses you, talk to a counselor, therapist, or trusted friend.

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Be aware of Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder. If you worry constantly about whether someone is missing you, you might need to talk to a counselor or a therapist. Get help if these symptoms are interfering with your life: excessive worry when separated from people you love; extreme worry about being left by loved ones; nightmares about being separated from someone; or worry about serious harm coming to people you love, even when they are not in objective serious danger.

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