How to Get Adult Kids to Pay Their Share

Co-authored by Anna Svetchnikov

Last Updated: April 14, 2024 Approved

Not quite ready to push your adult fledglings out of the nest yet but getting fed up with their lack of contributions to the household budget? This article will provide you with some ideas on what to do to make the budgetary cycle in your household a little fairer on everyone, as well as getting them to do more of their share around the house.

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Make a family agreement that everyone living in the home is responsible for its upkeep and that includes financial upkeep, as well as regular cleaning and maintenance. Set a weekly rent that covers approximately 30% of their pay, to get them to understand what it costs and how it feels to have to depart with a set amount of pay "just to have a roof over your head". Put all of this down in writing and draw up a budget if needs be.^{[1]
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No single person is responsible in a household for taking on all the chores. Everybody who is there must lift their weight to help keep the house in great shape. Allocate cleaning, gardening, shopping, pet feeding, mending/repair and general chores to every family member able to perform tasks. It is probably also a good idea to throw in cooking at least two meals a week as part of the deal. Write all of this up as a weekly schedule and pin it up where everyone can see it. Make it clear that getting out of a task means negotiating with another family member rather than just not doing it.^{[2]
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EXPERT TIP

Anna Svetchnikov
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Anna Svetchinkov, LMFT is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Mental Health Advocate, and Author based in Florida. With over 15 years of experience, she helps individuals, couples, and families nationwide and worldwide overcome challenges and achieve their goals through speaking engagements and presentations. Anna is a dynamic presenter who's appeared on major media networks, including PBS, FOX, ABC, and NBC, sharing her expertise in family therapy and mental wellness. She's a published author with over 30 books for children, adolescents, teens, and adults, covering topics related to mental health and wellness. Passionate about destigmatizing mental health, she founded the non-profit "I Care We All Care." Anna has received several awards for her contributions to the mental health field and was selected as one of Florida's ‘40 under 40.’ She received a BS in Psychology and a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from UMass Boston and is pursuing her Ph.D in Clinical Sexology from MSTI.

Anna Svetchnikov
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Imposing responsibilities teaches adult kids accountability. To encourage adult children living at home to contribute financially, like paying rent, they need real-life responsibility. This helps overcome learned helplessness that can develop from an "all-inclusive vacation" lifestyle at home. Imposing duties like rent isn't just about money — it teaches independence and accountability.

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They have been living it easy, so they might complain. Be ready for this, armed with visual evidence of the costs for living away from home. This takes step one a little further; rather than just explaining, demonstrate clearly where the costs come from. Show them how much average rents are in your area, show them the grocery bills for an average shopping trip, the electricity costs for an average home, and the costs of things such as fuel, mortgage payments and interest rates. Their awareness will soon increase, and even if they still feel resentful, they will realize that their situation is a good one.
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Overcome guilt. If one or more of your adult children is living with you, it's probably because you want to help them; perhaps they've hit a rough patch, and more than likely, you enjoy having them nearby. You might feel guilty when you demand contributions, especially if you see your child as being in a difficult position. When this happens, keep the following in mind:
- Sheltering them from the harsh reality of life isn't helping them. Your job as a parent is to teach them how to become independent adults who can survive and thrive on their own. Having them pull their own weight in your home will teach them that there's no such thing as a free lunch. It's better for them to learn responsibility from you, than from a boss firing them or a spouse divorcing them.^{[3]
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- You're not the only one struggling with these issues. Children who come back home as adults are called "mammoni", or "mama's boys" in Italy; "parasaito shinguru", or "parasite singles" in Japan; "boomerangs" or "twixters" in the US; "KIPPERS" (short for "kids in parents' pockets eroding retirement savings") in the UK; and "Hotel Mama" in Germany.^{[4]
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  Research source} There are parents across the world who will identify with your struggle to give tough love.
Be grateful. When your adult children do start contributing more, let them know how much you appreciate their contribution to the household and family and thank them. And sometimes, you may need to give them some slack during periods of redundancy, or saving for a big-ticket item such as travel, etc. You'll be able to judge this as the occasions arise.

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I don't feel comfortable living with my parents because of their abuse and violence toward me. I have planned to move, but my income is too low. What should I do? I need a place to stay.

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Find a room for rent in a shared house and pick up a second job if you have to.

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How much should my adult children contribute to my household while they live with me?

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If they are working, they should pay a proportionate share of the household expenses. The amount is totally up to you as the homeowner and depends on the costs involved. If they are not working, they should take on some of the household chores until they do start to work.

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How much should my 18 year old be contributing? She gets varied wages each week as she is self-employed.

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$100 a month is fair unless she cleans and cooks or is in school full-time. Give her the choice of contributing to the household either financially or manually.

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Tips

Put the rental money aside in a special savings account. You can use this for a rainy day, a vacation, or even to help them later on with education or rough patches in their lives.

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Share transportation where possible and encourage use of public transport and bikes by all of the family. If you can keep down the level of cars needed, everyone benefits with less fuel costs, less maintenance costs and more healthy walking or riding.

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If you're lucky enough to have a child who does live out of the house, ask them to come home and explain to the sibling who is leeching off of you. The sibling who has a job, bills, and expenses will not feel guilty or have a problem telling them how it is in the real world.

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Warnings

Keep in mind the things your kids might already be doing that actually could be saving you money. Include such services as chauffeur, companion, gardener, dog walker, personal shopper, practical nurse, etc. Remember that every door swings both ways. If you are unfair, they may well decide that their hard earned cash is better spent elsewhere or that they would prefer other roommates. In that case you will have to pay for these services and they do not come cheap. If you choose to reduce a relationship to dollars and cents, you will not get anything for free that you are not willing to give for free. Be sure to do both sides of the balance sheet before you begin.

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