This article was co-authored by Nancy Lin, PhD and by wikiHow staff writer, Dev Murphy, MA. Dr. Nancy Lin is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Owner of Go to Sleep San Diego, a private practice providing therapy for people suffering from insomnia, trauma, depression, and related problems. She is also trained in issues related to cultural diversity in mental health. Dr. Lin holds a Bachelors degree in Psychology from The University of California, Berkeley and a Masters degree in Medical Anthropology from the University of London, SOAS. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The University of Massachusetts Boston and completed an APA-accredited internship and postdoctoral training at the VA San Diego Healthcare System (VASDHS).
There are 11 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
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For many of us, friendship is one of the things that makes life meaningful, which is why it hurts so badly to be betrayed by a friend. It can be hard to make sense of a falling out with someone you trusted: why did they do it? Should you give them a second chance? How can you heal and move beyond what happened? You may be mulling over these questions and more right now, but believe us when we say that finding peace and moving forward is possible. We’ll walk you through how to get over a friend’s betrayal, below.
Things You Should Know
- Take some space away from your friend to heal and collect your thoughts. Engage in hobbies and try talking to trusted loved ones about the situation.
- If you decide to try to repair the relationship, let them know they did something that hurt you, and set strong boundaries for the future.
- Whether you decide to stay friends or cut them off, try to forgive them—not for their sake, but for your own. It may make it easier to move forward and heal.
Steps
Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat should I say to a friend who betrayed me?Nancy Lin, PhDDr. Nancy Lin is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Owner of Go to Sleep San Diego, a private practice providing therapy for people suffering from insomnia, trauma, depression, and related problems. She is also trained in issues related to cultural diversity in mental health. Dr. Lin holds a Bachelors degree in Psychology from The University of California, Berkeley and a Masters degree in Medical Anthropology from the University of London, SOAS. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The University of Massachusetts Boston and completed an APA-accredited internship and postdoctoral training at the VA San Diego Healthcare System (VASDHS).
Licensed Clinical PsychologistIf you still want to stay friends with the person, have a conversation about your values so they understand what they did wrong. -
QuestionHow do I keep calm after getting angered by my friends betraying me?Community AnswerSometimes you can’t keep calm. And that’s okay. Just walk away. Don’t yell at them. Keep your distance until you've had a chance to calm down, then try to talk to them about what happened. Tell them why you're upset and see if you can work through the issue. If it's a serious betrayal and you don't think you can be friends with them anymore, then tell them that, calmly. You can always make new friends and you don't need to keep someone in your life that you can't trust or that mistreats you.
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QuestionWhat do I do if a friend betrays me and I'm depressed about it?Community AnswerIt's okay to be depressed. Don't try to get over it immediately. Feel your feelings. Write about them in a journal, and/or talk to someone you're close to about what happened. Try to make some new friends. It will get easier with time.
Tips
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Being betrayed by a friend can be a very traumatic experience, so try to be patient with yourself as you go through this process.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
- My best friend betrayed me and the way I dealt with it was by spending time alone and eventually confronting her privately. Then, we worked on trying to build back the trust.
- Try to make sure the person in question is trustworthy. If they aren't, make sure they were at least sincere when they apologized.
Video
Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Nancy Lin, PhD.
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/buoyant-life/202209/6-ways-regain-trust-after-betrayal
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/201304/self-blame-the-ultimate-emotional-abuse
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201404/6-virtues-and-6-vices-venting
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201208/overcoming-betrayal-it-s-2-way-street
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6718717/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201401/trust-and-betrayal
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201309/revenge-will-you-feel-better
- ↑ Nancy Lin, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 27 May 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/buoyant-life/202209/6-ways-regain-trust-after-betrayal
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/01/ce-corner
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-pragmatic-aspie/201110/betrayal-can-we-get-over-it
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-pragmatic-aspie/201110/betrayal-can-we-get-over-it
- ↑ Nancy Lin, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 27 May 2021.
- ↑ Nancy Lin, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 27 May 2021.
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/surviving_betrayal
About This Article
Getting over a friend's betrayal can be really hard, but if you focus on yourself and give yourself time to heal, you can start to feel better. Take time to relax and do things you enjoy to distract yourself from the situation. You can also talk to a friend or family member you trust about it to get it off your chest. If you still want to be friends with the person, tell them how you feel once you’ve calmed down and give them a chance to apologize. Or, if you think you’re better without them, focus on your other friendships and let the wound heal over time. For more tips, including how to see your friend’s betrayal from their perspective, read on.
Reader Success Stories
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"I had a co-worker who seems nice but gave my cell number out and talked about my financial issues as a student. This article helped me with not being distracted by what occurred by the toxic person, whom I can't tell anything to. Seeing how not being open is OK."..." more