What to Do When Your Significant Other Doesn't Acknowledge Valentine's Day

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Learn how to keep your V-Day disappointment in check and communicate your expectations with your partner

Co-authored by Crista Beck and Dev Murphy, MA

Last Updated: April 2, 2024 Fact Checked

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Waiting It Out

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Understanding Why

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Expert Interview

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Expert Q&A

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Tips

Valentine's Day is here and you were expecting a present from your S.O....only to find out they didn't get you anything. When it seems like your partner made no effort for Valentine's Day, it can really hurt, and it might even have you questioning your relationship. If you're in this boat, keep reading: we've assembled a guide for how to react when your partner doesn't get you anything for Valentine's Day, including what to say to them to salvage the situation and hopefully prevent it from happening again next year.

Things You Should Know

Give your partner the benefit of the doubt: maybe a present is on its way, or maybe they forgot the holiday.
Not getting a gift hurts, but try not to let it ruin your whole day. Treat yourself to a V-Day present, or try to pretend it isn't Valentine's Day at all.
Ask yourself if you and your partner are on the same page about Valentine's Day. If you didn't say you wanted to celebrate, your expectations may be mismatched.
Calmly communicate your disappointment to your partner. Let them know how much the day means to you and see if they'll celebrate it in the future.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Waiting It Out

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1
Avoid high expectations. You may love the idea of grand romantic gestures, but the reality is they don't often happen in real life. Your partner may not be comfortable with them, or they might not know you'd appreciate a grand gesture unless you specifically say so. (Not everyone enjoys being on the Kiss Cam at the ballgame!) Not getting a gift for Valentine's Day really hurts, but if you're disappointed because you had certain expectations for how today would go, maybe it's worth reflecting on why you had those expectations and whether they were reasonable.
- If you were expecting your partner to purchase a gift and they didn't, consider that they may be struggling financially. The unfortunate truth about grand gestures is, unless your partner is a millionaire, it might not be reasonable to expect them.^{[1]
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  Expert Source
  
  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family Therapist
  
  Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.}
- The average person spends about $142 on Valentine's Day gifts, but keep in mind how averages work. For every wealthy individual who buys a lover an expensive sports car, thousands of others may only go with a $10 box of chocolates or a cheap bottle of wine.
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Try not to react at all until at least after dinner. Many people wait to surprise their significant others with a gift in the evening, so if Valentine’s Day isn’t over yet, it’s still very possible a gift is on its way. This is especially important to remember if you and your partner don't live together and won’t see each other until later in the day.
- It’s so disappointing not to receive a Valentine’s Day gift when you were expecting one! But ask yourself if it’s possible you got a gift…and just didn’t realize it. For example, maybe you were hoping for a bouquet of roses before dinner, but for your partner, a nice meal was the gift.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Courtney Quinlan
  Matchmaker & Dating Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 27 August 2021.}
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Feeling neglected on Valentine’s Day can really bring you down, but try to avoid letting it affect the rest of your day. If you’re seriously upset, try your best to pretend it's not Valentine's Day at all. Unlike most major holidays, Valentine's Day is relatively easy to ignore. Try not to listen to the radio or watch television; advertisements and talk show chatter will probably be Valentine's Day-oriented.^{[3]
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Steer clear of jealousy. If you work on Valentine's Day, you may see coworkers with flowers or chocolates. Don't be jealous of them. You have no idea what their relationships may really be like. Flashy displays of affection through monetary goods don't reflect how someone truly feels. Try your best to remember all the times where your partner has shown you love.^{[4]
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- Stay off social media in case people are posting pictures of their gifts there.^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Crista Beck
  Dating Coach & Matchmaker
  
  Expert Interview. 26 August 2021.}
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Give your gift. Surprise your partner with a gift when you were originally planning to do so. It’s understandable to feel bummed if your partner didn’t get you a gift, and you may even feel a little foolish if you got them one, but remember: the purpose of gifts is to give without expectation of return. Besides, your partner may have actually gotten something for you after all but was unsure of the right time to exchange gifts, and once you give yours, they’ll give theirs.
- Be prepared not to receive anything in return, just in case.
- If your partner doesn't give you a gift, they're likely to feel bad. You can be honest that you're disappointed, but if you're in public (say, out to dinner), avoid hashing it out until you're in private. You don't have to lie, but you can say, "I'm a little hurt, but we can still have a nice time."
- You can also hold off giving your partner your gift until you're in private: this way, if they don't give you a gift in return, you don't have to hold a brave face through the rest of dinner (or whatever your activity is) if you think you'd have a hard time doing so.

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Understanding Why

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1
Consider if anything may have kept them from getting you something. Even in the age of internet shopping and free shipping, sometimes things can get away from us. Consider if your partner has had anything significant going on that might have made them forget or kept them from prioritizing Valentine’s Day.^{[6]
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Research source} For example, don't expect too much if their parent passed away the week before.
- For anxious perfectionists, shopping for the right gift can take a lot of time and effort. Your partner may have had to deal with an unexpected deadline at work and had to temporarily put everything else on hold. Just be sure to let them know how you feel if you're disappointed.
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Ask yourself if you’re on the same page about the holiday. Consider your conversations from the last few weeks. At any point, did either of you mention anything about disliking Valentine's Day or not wanting a gift? If you didn’t clarify your feelings about the holiday, your expectations may be mismatched.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Crista Beck
Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Interview. 26 August 2021.}
- Some people feel obligated to say that they don't want a gift when they actually expect one to avoid seeming shallow or greedy. If you expressed this, your significant other may have taken your words at face value. If this is the case, you may need to work on communicating your desires more honestly.
- Your partner may have had a negative or traumatic experience associated with Valentine's Day and may feel uncomfortable celebrating it. If you consider your relationship close, ask about what happened and if there's anything you can do to help the healing process.
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Ask if your partner knows what today is. If your partner doesn't realize it's Valentine's Day, then it’s no wonder they didn’t get you a gift! It might still sting, but try to show grace and not take it to heart, especially if they’re a great partner otherwise.^{[8]
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- Some people are just very forgetful about dates. If your partner apologizes and offers to make it up to you soon, accept the offer gracefully.
- Others may be new to dating and are unsure about the gift-giving etiquette that surrounds the holiday. If you are more experienced, explain the unwritten rules to your significant other. This may be a good opportunity for you each to define how serious you think the relationship may be.
- Your partner may be from another country and not even know what Valentine's Day is. Many cultures celebrate Valentine's Day in very different ways, and some don't observe it at all. If that's the case, simply explain to your significant other the importance of this holiday to you. Suggest to celebrate and exchange gifts on a certain day at least a week or two away.^{[9]
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Consider if your relationship status warrants a gift. If you just had your first date on February 12, don't expect your new partner to surprise you with a bouquet of roses. Conversely, if you've been together for years, it's not unusual to skip Valentine's Day.^{[10]
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Research source} On average, married couples spend significantly less on their partners than couples who are dating.
- If you're upset about a missed Valentine's Day and your partner doesn't appear concerned or apologetic, this can be a bad sign. This is especially true if your significant other even goes so far as to tease or admonish you for caring about the holiday. While Valentine's Day may have become a marketing gimmick, you have every right to enjoy the holiday. When one partner invalidates another's feelings, their relationship may be unhealthy.^{[11]
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Explain your feelings to your partner. Tell your partner that you enjoy celebrating Valentine's Day and were hoping for a gift. Suggest the possibility of an alternative "Valentine's Day" just for the two of you.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Crista Beck
Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Interview. 26 August 2021.}
- Be sure to use "I-statements" while discussing the subject. I-statements usually begin with "I feel" and go on to explain your emotions. In conflict resolution theory, I-statements allow you to express emotions caused by another's actions (or inactions) without blame. An example I-statement for this situation would be: "I feel a little disappointed that I didn't receive a Valentine's Day gift from you this year."^{[13]
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- Remember to reaffirm that you care about your partner. Be clear that while you may be disappointed, your relationship isn't in jeopardy.^{[14]
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- Don't have this conversation while angry. If this experience has seriously upset you, calm yourself first by going for a walk or sleeping on it.^{[15]
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Tell your partner what kind of gifts you like. If your partner didn't get you anything, or if they didn't get you something you wanted...well, you may just have to tell them directly what you were expecting. There's nothing wrong with asking for what you want, and it's an important part of honest communication.^{[16]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.} It would be great if our significant others could read our minds, but that’s not really the way things work, unfortunately.
- It might not seem sexy to have to tell your partner that you really want to wake up on Valentine's Day to a box of truffles on your nightstand and rose petals littering your floor, but in most non-romcom relationships, that's exactly what needs to happen.

Expert Q&A

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Question

What do you do if you have no Valentine?

Crista Beck
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Crista Beck is a Dating and Relationship Coach and Matchmaker. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in helping people become open to love and find a partner. Crista has been featured in numerous media sources such as ABC, NBC, Fox, and TEDx. She is also the author of the book, Break The Glass Slipper: Free Yourself from Fairy Tale Fantasies and Find True Love in Real Life. Crista holds a BS in Communication Studies with a focus on Interpersonal Communication from The University of Texas at Austin.

Crista Beck

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Be your own valentine! Buy yourself a box of chocolates, get that piece of jewelry you really want, or treat yourself to dinner with a friend.

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Question

Should I be mad if my boyfriend didn't get me anything for Valentines Day?

Crista Beck
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Crista Beck is a Dating and Relationship Coach and Matchmaker. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in helping people become open to love and find a partner. Crista has been featured in numerous media sources such as ABC, NBC, Fox, and TEDx. She is also the author of the book, Break The Glass Slipper: Free Yourself from Fairy Tale Fantasies and Find True Love in Real Life. Crista holds a BS in Communication Studies with a focus on Interpersonal Communication from The University of Texas at Austin.

Crista Beck

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Try to reflect on the good things you have in your life instead of feeling mad. You might plan a night out with friends, or just treat February 14th as a self-care day where you exercise, eat healthy food, spend some time outdoors, or do an activity that you really enjoy.

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Question

My boyfriend doesn't want to celebrate Valentine's because his apartment burned down a few years ago on Valentine's Day and another time he broke up with a girlfriend on Valentine's Day, so it's a bad day for him.

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It sounds like your boyfriend's got a lot of Valentine's Day-related scars! If the day is important to you (which is totally valid!), it's worth sitting down with him and asking if he's comfortable celebrating with you, even in a small way. And keep in mind that you don't have to acknowledge the day in traditional ways: if he doesn't feel like going out for Valentine's Day or making a big deal out of things, maybe you can have a cozy evening in, cooking dinner together. Or maybe you can designate another date your own personal Valentine's Day, if he doesn't want to celebrate on February 14 (it'll be way easier to get a restaurant reservation then, anyway!).

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Tips

It's OK to be miffed about your partner not getting you anything for Valentine's Day, even if they have a reasonable excuse.

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Treat yourself to a little something to make up for the disappointment. If you're a chocolate fan, take advantage of the February 15 sales!

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If you're upset that your partner didn't get you anything while at the same time you neglected to reciprocate, think about how hypocritical your reaction may be! It may be best to self-reflect a little.

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