What’s your approach to relationships? Are you comfortable with things like affection and vulnerability, or do they tend to scare you away? Your attachment style describes how you navigate relationships (both platonic and romantic) based on your early childhood experiences with your caregivers.
There are 4 main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful/avoidant. If you’re curious about which one best fits you, answer our questions, and we’ll give you some insight into your personal attachment style.
Questions Overview
1. How would you describe your relationship with your caregiver(s) as a child?
- They always loved me unconditionally.
- They seemed to love me most when I was good or high-achieving.
- They were sometimes distant and unavailable to me.
- They didn’t have much of a relationship with me at all.
2. How did your caregiver(s) react when you got upset as a child?
- They were calm, patient, and sensitive to my feelings.
- They got anxious when they saw I was upset, which often made me feel worse.
- They weren’t interested in calming me down, so I learned to self-soothe.
- Their reaction to my discomfort scared me, so I hid my feelings from them.
3. How did you feel about making friends when you were a child?
- Loved it! It was always fun and easy to make a new friend.
- I wanted more friends than I had, but I was scared they wouldn’t like me.
- I didn’t really want new friends or feel the need to make any.
- I liked making friends but sometimes ended up clashing with them.
4. How did you behave in school as a child?
- I was confident and had no problem speaking up.
- I wanted to speak up but was always afraid I’d say the wrong thing.
- I didn’t feel like engaging with my teachers or the other kids.
- I participated in class discussions sometimes, but other times I acted out.
5. How confident do you feel in relationships (either friendships or romances)?
- I feel very confident! I believe that I’m valued and loved.
- I rarely feel confident. Sometimes I wonder if I’m unworthy of love.
- I feel more uncomfortable than confident. I worry about protecting my independence.
- I don’t feel confident. I feel like I can’t trust people to love me, so I try not to rely on them.
6. How often were you afraid of being abandoned or rejected as a child?
- Never! I knew my caregivers would always be there for me.
- Sometimes. They could be very loving but also seemed withdrawn at times.
- Rarely. I was often rejected as a child, so I got used to it and it didn't scare me anymore.
- Always. My caregivers’ erratic behavior made me feel uncertain and helpless.
7. How do you handle disagreements in a relationship?
- I face them head-on because I know working through them is important.
- I’m desperate to make things right and can’t relax until I do.
- I disappear and spend time alone while I wait for things to cool down.
- I take it as a sign of rejection (even when it’s likely not).
8. How do you react when you make a new friend or enter a new relationship?
- I eagerly (and easily) get to know them.
- I focus on making them happy because that’s what makes me happy.
- I don’t usually feel comfortable opening up to them for a while.
- I want to be closer to them, but sometimes the relationship becomes volatile.
9. Would you consider yourself a people-pleaser?
- Not really. I care about other people’s needs, but I know mine are important too.
- Yes. I worry that I won’t be loved unless I put other people before myself.
- No. I try not to spend much time around people at all, actually.
- I can sometimes be a people-pleaser, but other times I’m more withdrawn.
10. How do you feel about intimacy in relationships?
- I’m very comfortable with it.
- I want it but need reassurance that my partner does too.
- I don’t like it. I have a lot of protective walls, and it’s hard to let them down.
- I want intimacy, but I tend to get clingy or angry easily, so it’s difficult to achieve.
11. Your partner asks you for a committed relationship. How do you feel about that?
- Happy. I agree with no reservations.
- I want the same thing, but I’m nervous. What if something goes wrong?
- I’m hesitant. I don’t really like the idea of getting very close to someone else.
- I’m conflicted. Sometimes I want that, but other times I want to be independent.
12. How often do you rely on a partner or friend for help?
- I have no problem asking for help.
- I’m a little uncomfortable asking for help; I don’t want to be a burden.
- I don’t often ask for help because I don’t like counting on others.
- I don’t ask for help because I don’t think there’s any point. Nobody will help me.
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For more information about attachment styles, check out the following resources:
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