How to Speak Supportively to Someone with Depression

Co-authored by John A. Lundin, PsyD

Last Updated: June 28, 2024 References

Depression is a serious mental health issue. If someone you love is depressed, you probably want to help. People with depression are often hesitant to open up, so gently encourage the person to talk. Let them know you're there for them and ask what, specifically, you can do to help. Avoid dismissing the depression. Instead of telling the person to perk up, acknowledge their issues are real and validate their feelings.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Letting the Person Know You're There

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1
Start the conversation in an effective manner. It can be hard to address depression, as the subject can be sensitive. If someone is depressed, they may embarrassed about the fact. Try to introduce the subject gently so the person feels safe talking to you.
- Try to say something encouraging. For example, "Hey, you've seemed pretty down lately. I just wanted to check in."
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Do not push the person if they're not ready to talk. If a depressed person does not seem like they want to open up, do not force it. You do not want someone to feel pressured. Say something like, "Let me know if you want to talk in the future, okay? I'm always here." This way, if they feel in need later, they will know they have someone to reach out to.^{[1]
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- If you ask someone if they want to talk, and they provide brief, curt answers, this is a good sign they are not ready. While you may worry about someone isolating themselves, you do not want to alienate them by forcing a conversation they do not want.
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Acknowledge their depression is real. The first step to talking to someone with depression is acknowledging it's real. Depression is a chronic medical condition that is different from everyday sadness. Validate that person is experiencing feelings that are real instead of trying to minimize it.^{[2]
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- For example, avoid phrases like, "Everyone feels down sometimes." While this is true, depression is different from normal sadness. It's more complicated and chronic.
- Instead, say something like, "I know depression has to be very difficult. I'm really sorry you're experiencing it."
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Listen more than you talk. People with depression often do not want advice or even insight. Sometimes, they simply want emotional support. Try to listen more than you talk and, rather than offering feedback, simply respond with support.
- Use non-verbal cues to show you're listening. Nod and make eye contact. Give verbal cues as well, by saying things like, "Yeah" and "Uh-huh."
- It can also help to reiterate the person's feelings to clarify you understood. For example, "I hear that you're feeling very tired lately all the time, and that's very frustrating for you."
- Be careful to avoid seeming like you are pitying the person. Aim to show empathy for the person rather than sympathy. Empathy means you are attempting to see what they're going through, rather than feeling sorry for them.
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Ask the right questions. It can often help for someone to simply vent. If the person is struggling to articulate, or is not sure where to begin, offer questions to guide them. Ask some of the following:^{[3]
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- How long have you been feeling this way? When did you start experiencing these feelings?
- Did anything happen to trigger this?
- Are you getting help?
You don't have to make someone talk if they do not want to. If a depressed person does not want to open up, just let them know they can talk to you if they want to. For example, "If you're not ready to talk, I understand. Just know I'm here whenever you need me."

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Providing Emotional Support

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Offer phrases to give hope. You do not want to negate what someone is going through. However, it can be helpful to give the person hope via supportive phrases. Let them know their feelings will change eventually, but do so in a manner that does not negate their present thought patterns.^{[4]
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- For example, say, "I understand this may be hard to believe now, but I know you'll feel better someday. This will pass. I promise."
- After stating as much, remind them you'll see it through with them. For example, say, "Until then, I'm here whenever you need me."
- Reader Poll: We asked 264 wikiHow readers, and 51% of them agreed that the symptoms of depression they find the most challenging to deal with are intense feelings of sadness and despair. [Take Poll] Providing your emotional support can help them feel better.
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Encourage them. People with depression often feel hopeless. Their lack of ability to keep up with daily tasks can also damage self-esteem. A person may feel mad at themselves for failing to keep up with daily tasks. Letting them know you believe in them can mean a lot.
- For example, someone says, "I feel like I'm failing at everything right now. I'm so mad at myself." Respond with, "I know it feels that way, but I think you're amazing. I believe that you can get through this and I'll be there to help."
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Ask what you can do to help. There may not be much you can do to help a depressed other than just be there. However, depression can interfere with a person's ability to handle daily tasks. Let the person know you're there to help, and ask them for any specific things you can do.
- Start off by saying something like, "What can I do for you?"
- Make it clear you mean more than just listening with this statement. Follow up with something like, "I know you haven't been keeping up with chores. I'm willing to do your dishes if you need that."
- Always follow up. If you say you can help with something, make sure you actually provide the help you offered.
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Let them know you will be there for them. Depression can make people feel alienated. People often worry about pushing friends and family members away due to their depression. It's important to let a depressed person know you will stay by their side no matter what.
- Stay something like, "I know this is rough, but I'm not going anywhere. I will ride this out with you."
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Invite them to do things with you. People who have depression tend to isolate themselves and ruminate on their thoughts. To help get the person out of this cycle, invite them to join you for activities, such as going on a walk, taking a trip to a museum, going to see a movie, or even just going for a cup of coffee.
- Keep in mind that they might say no, and it is important for you to honor their decision. Don't try to pressure them or make them feel bad for not wanting to do something.
- Activities that take place in nature can be especially helpful for depression, so you might consider inviting them on a hike, bike ride, or kayaking.^{[5]
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Avoiding Certain Phrases

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Do not give advice. If someone is depressed, they are probably already handling it the best they can. Depression is a confusing, frustrating disorder, and requires professional treatment. Do not try to give advice, as it's unlikely you will be able to solve someone's depression.
- For example, do not ask them if they've tried something like a specific exercise routine or a certain medication. The person is probably handling the depression with a therapist.
- You should also avoid telling them to change their mentality. Do not say things like, "Why don't you practice rejecting or replacing negative thoughts?" This can easily come off as condescending.
If someone is depressed, they may be negative about a variety of things. Someone may seem uninterested in activities or only see the negative sides of social events and other aspects of life. While this may be frustrating, avoid scolding them. Do not say things like, "Can you try not to be so negative all the time?" or "Could you not keeping bringing us down?" The person cannot help that they struggle to see the bright side.^{[6]
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Depressed people may be unable to feel optimistic. Even if a depressed person can logically see the bright side, they may be unable to truly embrace it or feel it. Do not try to force them to look on the bright side by saying things like, "A lot of people have it worse. Be grateful for what you do have." Positive thinking may be difficult for someone who is depressed.

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What do you say to someone who is struggling?

John A. Lundin, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
John Lundin, Psy. D. is a clinical psychologist with 20 years experience treating mental health issues. Dr. Lundin specializes in treating anxiety and mood issues in people of all ages. He received his Doctorate in Clinical Psychology from the Wright Institute, and he practices in San Francisco and Oakland in California's Bay Area.

John A. Lundin, PsyD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Be compassionate toward someone with depression. It can help them feel less alone in their suffering. However, be careful not to always sacrifice your own needs for theirs, as it doesn't provide a good model of behavior.

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