How to Tell Your Lesbian Friend That You Are Straight and Not Interested in Her

Co-authored by Kateri Berasi, PsyD

Last Updated: December 8, 2024 References

Do you have a lesbian friend that you think may like you as more than "just friends"? If this is someone new, you may need to find out if she actually is attracted to you before assuming that she's into you. But if it's clear that she is, then consider how best to tell her that you're straight and not interested. Learn to let your lesbian friend down easy, by making your feelings known with the utmost respect and kindness.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Finding Out If She's Actually Attracted to You

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Avoid assumptions. Just because your friend is a lesbian and you are female, don't assume that there is a romantic interest.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Kateri Berasi, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.} Not everyone is going to be attracted to you, or vice versa. It's the same between men and women as it is between women and women. It's about romantic chemistry.
- Avoid prejudice or biases towards your lesbian friend based on misconceptions.
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Look for body language. As with anyone who feels "butterflies in their stomach," your lesbian friend may give off signs that she is interested. Notice if the following signs are strong before assuming that your friend is into you:^{[2]
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- Physically touching you by hand or leg.
- Having strong eye contact, or gazing at you often.
- Smiling, laughing, and appearing to hang on your every word.
- Possibly being more physically shy or awkward than usual.
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Listen to what your friend says and how she acts. While some friends may have a close bond simply due to friendship, there are some signs that your friend may be attracted to you. Think of it like when you hang out with guys that you think might want to be more than "just friends."^{[3]
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- Does your friend seem to give pointed compliments to you often? Something like, "You're so beautiful" or "You have gorgeous eyes."
- Does she make a big effort to spend a lot time with you, even in group or large party situations?
- Do you feel like you communicate more with her than your other friends? Do you text or chat with her back and forth in the same way you do with guys you're interested in?
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Avoid leading someone on. You may like the attention you get from your lesbian friend, but at the same time you know you're not interested. Just like with guy friends, don't play head games and lead her on. If someone is attracted to you and you're not, be mature, polite, and respectful.
- Honesty in the beginning will help to avoid heartaches and drama in the future.

Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Am I a Lesbian?

Wondering if you’re into girls? Whether your TikTok’s “For You” page is suspiciously full of WLW content or whether you have zero idea what that means but think the girl from that coffee shop is ''really'' pretty… this quiz is for you.

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Have you ever gotten “butterflies” around a girl?

Yes, for sure.

Only when this one specific girl talks to me or looks at me or shows me physical affection.

I’ve felt nervous around a girl before, but I wouldn’t call it “butterflies.”

No. Don’t think so.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Letting Her Down Gently

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Consider asking about her feelings toward you, if any. Unless your lesbian friend has already asked you out on a date, you may not know for sure what's going on her head. Talk with your friend to understand what her feelings are, and if it's true that she's into you.
- If you have already engaged in sexual contact (such as kissing) or already gone on what you both know is a date, then your relationship has already gone outside "the friend zone."
- Be as kind and caring as you have been in the past with anyone you've dated.
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Talk with your friend in private. Avoid discussing your relationship with your friend in public or in a group with other friends. This conversation should be between you and your friend only.
- If you are planning to reject your friend's advances, avoid any embarrassment that may occur by talking in private.
- While you may be inclined to text or message your feelings about the situation, this may make things confusing or lead to misconceptions.
- Talk with your friend in person or at least over the phone. Direct private communication may be tough, but it will be better for both you and your friend.
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Turn her down gently. When rejecting your friend, make clear that you are not rejecting your friend as a person. Be kind and gentle. Be clear that you simply are not interested in a relationship with her, and that you are not bisexual or lesbian.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Kateri Berasi, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.}^{[5]
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Research source}
- Be respectful of your friend's sexual orientation.
- Consider saying, "I respect your orientation, but I'm just not into you. I'm straight" or "You're a great friend, and hope to keep it that way, but I'm straight and just don't feel the same way."
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Avoid awkwardness. After rejecting someone (or being rejected), it can feel very awkward. Be mature and keep your head up. You may have rejected someone in the past, or been rejected. There is a transition phase that may feel weird, but you and your friend will move on and get over this feeling.
- Keep doing the things that you usually do, and avoid making this a big deal.
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Keep your friendship strong. All friendships can go through ups and down. If you want to still be friends with your lesbian friend, make sure she still feels included in activities that you and your other friends are doing. Avoid excluding her due to this awkward feeling.
- True friendships will remain even after difficult times.
- Make clear to your lesbian friend about what makes her such a great friend. Avoid compliments that have sexual connotations, but instead focus on her strengths as a friend. A good friend is caring, reliable, honest, and trustworthy.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Talking Openly about Sexual Orientation

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View homosexuality as part of biology rather than a lifestyle choice. Being gay or straight is part of human biology. Your lesbian friend did not "choose to be gay." A person's sexual feelings, whether gay or straight, are formed at or before puberty. Be respectful of your friend's sexual orientation.^{[6]
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- Talk with your friend about what challenges your friend may be facing with being a lesbian since society is often centered around heterosexual relationships. Understand her perspective.
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Understand that coming out as gay can be difficult. It might be harder for your lesbian friend to talk about her sexuality because it is less accepted in many cultures. Be respectful that coming out and talking about sexuality can be very difficult for some people.^{[7]
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- Be gentle in how you react to your friend's actions or what she says about being lesbian. Avoid being overly critical.
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Accept your friends for who they are. Whether you have a lot of friends who are gay or not, being a real friend involves acceptance. While unwanted sexual contact shouldn't be taken lightly, feelings of awkwardness about someone's sexuality or your own biases should be avoided.
- Your friend has a right to be who she is, and so do you.
- Allow your friends regardless of their sexual orientation the opportunity to express love. You may not reciprocate those feelings, but nonetheless they have a right to feel them.

References

↑ Kateri Berasi, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.
↑ https://www.datingadvice.com/advice/break-the-lesbian-dating-code-with-body-language
↑ https://www.pride.com/dating/2015/08/21/9-signs-lesbian-or-bi-girl-actually-you-and-not-just-being-polite
↑ Kateri Berasi, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.
↑ https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-say-no-when-someone-asks-you-out
↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/sexual-orientation.html
↑ https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-say-no-when-someone-asks-you-out

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How do you politely reject a friend?

Kateri Berasi, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Kateri Berasi is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Founder of Transcendent Self, PLLC, a group therapy practice offering affirmative, collaborative, and intentional care, based in Brooklyn, New York. With over ten years of experience in the mental health field, Dr. Berasi specializes in working with adults from the LGBTQIA+ community and creative industries through individual therapy, couples counseling, group therapy, and costume therapy. She holds a BA in Psychology, Art History, and French Language and Literature from George Washington University and an MA and MEd in Mental Health Counseling from Columbia University. Dr. Berasi also holds a PsyD in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University.

Kateri Berasi, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

In this case, just tell them you’re flattered but you’re straight! Believe me, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

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My friend shows romantic interest and eye contact, is she a lesbian? I have doubts as to whether she is interested in me.

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You'd have to ask her to know if she's a lesbian and if she is interested in you. There's really no other way to know for sure.

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A year ago I thought I was bisexual and told all my friends. After some time I figured that I was just confused. I didn't tell all my friends that, and now I think one of my lesbian friends likes me. What do I do?

Community Answer

First off, you should just be able to "come out" to your friends yet again. That'd be step one, and probably the most difficult of them all. The problem with coming out is that people tend take your word on it; this way, if you say you're straight, then they'll think you're straight; if you say you're Bi, Pan, Gay, etc, they'll take your word on it. You just have to explain to them that you were confused and hope they understand. I assure you they'll understand, even if they don't believe it at first.

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Tips

Be open to learning more about the LGBTQ community. Consider joining your lesbian friend at events that discuss what it's like to be queer and lesbian in your community.

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Don't be a jerk and assume that your friend is interested in you when they come out to you. Remember, they may trust you enough with this information, that they choose to tell you instead of keeping it a secret. Only use this advice if they truly have a crush on you, and want to turn it into a relationship.

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Don’t feel pressured into going out with her if she asks you and you know you lack any sexual or romantic attraction to her. Be gentle with the way you let her down, but if she continues to cross your boundaries after you’ve established that you are heterosexual and you feel very uncomfortable and upset at her actions, then maybe she’s not one of the best people to be around during that time. Let the situation die down until she understands you’re heterosexual and have no interest in her sexually.

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