How to Tell if Someone Is Backstabbing You

Co-authored by Tala Johartchi, PsyD and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: July 26, 2024 References

True friendships are hard to find, but they’re even harder when you can’t tell whether or not someone is being genuine. Since backstabbers talk kindly to your face but badly when you’re not around, it can be hard to spot one, even if they’re right in front of you. However, if you know a backstabber, there’s a good chance you’ll recognize some (or all) of these signs.

1

They talk badly about other people.

Download Article

Your conversations are probably full of gossip and drama. When someone only has negative things to say about other people, chances are, they’re talking badly about you, too. If you and this person don’t have anything else to talk about, there’s a good chance they’re not a true friend.
- You might sit back and realize that you two actually don’t have anything in common besides your love of gossip.

2

They give you backhanded compliments.

Download Article

Whenever they say something “nice,” you feel bad about yourself. A backstabber will always try to stay in your good graces, but they won’t actually say anything genuinely nice to you. It might sound like a good thing, but it’s actually made to embarrass you. For instance, you might hear something like:^{[1]
X
Research source}
- “You’re so brave to wear that dress out!”
- “I didn’t expect you to get that promotion. Congratulations!”
- “You clean up so well.”

3

They flirt with your significant other.

Download Article

Backstabbers do this to make you jealous. Even if your partner doesn’t respond or actively shuts them down, they won’t stop. If you call them out on it, they might claim it was a joke or that you’re just too sensitive.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- This unwanted flirting can really make your partner feel uncomfortable, too. Be sure to check in with them to make sure they’re all right.

4

They’re jealous of your other friends.

Download Article

A backstabber might act offended if you hang out without them. They might accuse you of liking other people more or hating them as a person. Even though that’s not true, you might find yourself hanging out with your other friends less just to avoid making a backstabber mad.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- If you invite them along to a group hang, they’ll probably decline. That’s because they don’t want to share you with anyone else, even if it means they’ll have fun, too.

5

They exaggerate your mistakes.

Download Article

If you do anything wrong, they make it sound terrible. They might go around to all your friends or coworkers and talk about how much you messed up. Even if it wasn’t terrible, they make it seem like the end of the world.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- For instance, maybe you forgot a deadline at work. Even if you fixed it quickly and already talked to the boss about it, a backstabber will spread rumors to your coworkers that you’re probably going to get fired.

6

They sabotage your work.

Download Article

They might keep you up late the night before a big presentation. If they know you have a test coming up, they might insist on hanging out so you can’t study. Backstabbers don’t want to see you succeed, so they’ll do anything in their power to hold you back.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- These things are usually subtle, and you might not even notice that it’s happening right away.
- For instance, they might intentionally leave you out of a study group so you do badly on the final exam.
- Or, they might “forget” to send you the data you need to complete a presentation at work.

7

They make plans without you.

Download Article

A backstabber might purposely exclude you from plans. If you confront them about it, they might say that they just forgot or that you’re always invited to come along. However, they were trying to make you feel bad by hanging out with mutual friends when you aren’t around.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- They might also try to plan events when they know you can’t make it, like when you’re out of town.

8

You feel embarrassed or insulted around them.

Download Article

You might feel like you’re on edge about what they’re going to say. If you feel like you can’t relax around this person because you’re worried they might make fun of you, that’s a red flag. Nice people want to uplift you and make you feel good, while backstabbers just want to tear you down.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- Sometimes friends goof around and tease each other, which is fine. However, a backstabber usually takes it too far by making their insults personal or intentionally making you look bad in front of other people.
- Reader Poll: We asked 814 wikiHow readers what’s the strongest indicator someone doesn’t want to be your friend, and only 9% of them agreed that they tease you a lot. [Take Poll] Remember, teasing is different from insulting or criticizing. If your friend’s words or actions hurt, make sure to tell them how you feel to see if they adjust their behavior.

9

You feel like you’re competing with them.

Download Article

A backstabber might try to one-up you in every conversation. If you say that you’re feeling sad because of a bad grade, they might say that they’re feeling sad because their mom is sick (which is way worse). You can never have a normal conversation with them about your problems, because they always say “me too.”
- This goes for good things as well. For instance, you might tell a friend that you talked to your crush today, and they’ll tell you that they’re going on a date with their crush tomorrow.
- You’ll probably feel like you can never win, which is the goal of a backstabber.

10

They’re never happy for you.

Download Article

Backstabbers probably get angry when you’re doing well. If you share good news with them, like a promotion at work or a good grade, they won’t look happy. In fact, they might even get upset with you and ask you why you’re bragging, even when you’re not.
- Good friends will always be happy when you’re doing well, even if they’re not. You should be able to share your accomplishments without someone getting angry at you.

11

They only think about themselves.

Download Article

They put their needs above everyone else’s. They might only hit you up when they need something, and they probably won’t feel bad about that. If you feel like you’re giving more than you’re getting, you might be getting stabbed in the back.^{[8]
X
Expert Source

Tala Johartchi, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.}
- This person would also probably get mad at you if you called them up and asked them for a favor.

12

They always paint themselves as the victim.

Download Article

Whenever they tell you a story, they’re in the right. You might hear about how their friends, family members, coworkers, or classmates did them wrong today and why it’s hard to be them. You’ll never hear them admit to their mistakes, because they don’t think they’re ever wrong.^{[9]
X
Research source}^{[10]
X
Expert Source

Tala Johartchi, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.}
- If you ever ask them to apologize to you for something, they probably won’t do it.

Expert Q&A

Search

Add New Question

Ask a Question

200 characters left

Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.

Submit

Tips

If you feel like you’re being backstabbed, it’s probably time to distance yourself from this person. They’re not a good friend, acquaintance, or peer to have because they don’t actually care about you.

Thanks
Helpful 6 Not Helpful 0