How to Accept Blame & Take Accountability (with Expert Tips)

A guide to taking responsibility for mistakes & bouncing back

Co-authored by Catherine Boswell, PhD and Aimee Payne, MFA

Last Updated: July 22, 2024 Fact Checked

When you know you are at fault for a problem, it can be tempting to pretend it wasn’t your mistake or put the blame on someone else. But admitting your mistakes and taking responsibility is always the best way to handle the situation. Then, you’re able to move on from the situation, knowing you’ll do better next time. We spoke with Licensed Psychologist Catherine Boswell and Licensed Clinical Psychologist Gera Anderson to learn how to own up to mistakes gracefully at work and in your personal life. Read on to learn more.

How to Own Up to a Misktake

Recognize you’ve done something wrong.
Keep the focus on your actions, not what someone else did.
Admit your mistake as soon as possible.
Sincerely apologize to the wronged person and validate their feelings.
Propose a solution and accept any consequences.
Reflect on your actions and get help to be more accountable.
Accept that nobody’s perfect and move on.

1

Recognize that you made a mistake.

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Acknowledge your wrongdoing. To take responsibility for your mistakes, you must reflect on your words or actions and understand what you did poorly or wrongly. Gain some clarity about the event and why you may have done what you did.^{[1]
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- Admitting you were wrong doesn't mean you're weak or inept. In fact, owning up to your mistakes takes a lot of courage and self-awareness. It is a sign of maturity.
- For example, if you said you would pick up the dry cleaning but didn't, don't make an excuse. Just own that you said you would do something, and you didn't pull through.
- Start by saying, “I was wrong,” or “I made a mistake,” even if only to yourself.

2

Take accountability for your actions.

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Keep the focus on you. You might share responsibility with another person, and they may have said or done wrong things as well, but stay focused on your part of the mistake, Boswell advises. Just because you take accountability for your mistake, it doesn't mean you're free to point the finger at other people for their parts.^{[2]
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- Even if you own up to your part, the other person may not own up to theirs. If they don't, know that you did the right thing by admitting your wrongs. Remember that you can only control your own actions, not anyone else's.
- For example, if a project didn't get finished and you were part of the problem, own up to your part. Don't start blaming others, even if they were part of the problem.
- Say something like, “It was my responsibility to double-check that the numbers were correct.”

3

Address the issue right away.

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Say something sooner rather than later. As soon as a situation becomes unpleasant, be mature about owning up to your responsibility in creating it. The sooner the problem is identified, the sooner a resolution is possible, and that minimizes negative consequences.^{[3]
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Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices

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- For example, if you let someone down, talk to them as soon as possible and let them know how you feel.
- Say, “I was going to go to your event but didn't make it, and it's my fault.”

4

Admit that you made a mistake.

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Admitting your mistake shows that you're willing to take responsibility. It can be difficult to admit you’re imperfect and did something wrong. But proactively taking that step shows others you're willing to be responsible for what you do even if you aren’t caught, which makes you seem more honorable and trustworthy.^{[4]
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- For example, say, “I was wrong to yell at you yesterday. Even if I'm upset, I don't want to yell.”

5

Make a sincere apology.

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The most important thing you can do is say you're sorry to the people affected. Accept what you did wrong and make it clear that you are sorry for whatever hurt or problem it caused. Be gracious when you apologize and be willing to admit your fault.^{[5]
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- Anderson advises, “If you regret your actions, apologize for those actions…apologize that your actions made other people feel that way, for that was not your intent.”
- For example, say, “I'm sorry I messed up the project. It's my fault, and I take responsibility for things going wrong.”

6

Validate the feelings of the person you wronged.

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Be understanding if the other person is upset. Validate how they feel and what they might be experiencing. Start by reflecting on their words or feelings, and then let them know that you understand why they feel the way they do.^{[6]
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- Anderson recommends, “Acknowledge their feelings and any actions on your part that may have led to those feelings.”
- For example, say, “I can tell you're disappointed. I would be, too.”
Esther Perel, Psychotherapist

Be empathetic and aware of others. "When our ability to consider and understand the feelings of others decreases, our relationships suffer."

7

Propose a solution.

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Part of taking responsibility includes making up for your mistake. Come up with some solutions to right your wrong. This might mean doing extra work or promising to do better next time. Boswells advises showing that you're willing to change to make things better. Making amends can help to restore justice and put people back on equal grounds.^{[7]
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- For example, if you're to blame for something at work, offer to stay later and fix your mistake.
- If you mess something up with your family or friends, say it will be different next time and mean it. “Tell the person what you are going to do to rectify the situation, how you will provide restitution, and how your actions will change should the situation arise in the future,” says Anderson.
- Say something like, “It was my job to make sure the pot didn’t boil over. I’ll stay late to clean it up and make a new batch.”

8

Accept the consequences and learn from your mistake.

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Face the consequences with grace and avoid repeating the mistake. Accepting responsibility for your behavior may be scary, especially if you know there will be consequences. Take your consequences as courageously as possible, and when it's done, it's really over. You'll have learned a valuable lesson and maintained personal integrity in the process. Try to grow from the experience and avoid repeating your mistakes.^{[8]
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Greater Good Magazine
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- For example, coming clean might mean you face consequences at work or school. Or, you may have to fess up to something to your family or partner that you know will make them upset. You might know some backlash will happen but do the right thing.
- Say something like, “I understand what I did has damaged our relationship, and I accept that you may not want to see me for a while.”

9

Reflect on your behavior.

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Recognize your mistake and reflect on what may have contributed to it. Perhaps you had a stressful day and lashed out at someone. It is easy to displace your anger onto people who really had nothing to do with your bad mood. Maybe you jumped to conclusions about something and were wrong. Whatever it is you did, think about it and try to make any necessary changes as a result, recommends Boswell.
- For example, if you forgot something because you were rushed, try to slow down or allow more time for activities.
- Ask yourself, “What can I do to avoid this mistake in the future?”

10

Get help to stay accountable.

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Ask a friend to help keep you accountable for your words and actions. This might mean you ask someone to call you out, or you meet with them regularly to talk about accountability. Having a friend or counselor to talk to about taking responsibility can help you deal with it better and faster.^{[9]
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- For example, meet with someone each week and discuss what you're doing well and struggling with. Let each other know when the other needs to accept responsibility for wrongs.
- Say something like, “I’m trying to be more sensitive about what I say to others. Can you say something if you hear me say something overly harsh?”

11

Move on from the situation.

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Remember that nobody's perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. Don't linger on a mistake or continuously try to make it up to the person you hurt. Once you've admitted your mistake and made amends, do your best to move on from the event. Even if you made a big mistake, don't guilt yourself forever. Accept what happened, learn from it, then move on.^{[10]
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- Once you've taken all the steps to make things right, don't live in guilt or shame. Let go of what happened.
- If your guilt over what happened is causing you a lot of distress, or you just can't seem to move on, consider seeing a counselor to help you work through it.
- Say to yourself, “I’ve owned up to what I did, apologized, and accepted the consequences. It’s time to move on.”

Expert Q&A

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Question

How do I move on from the constant feelings of guilt?

Catherine Boswell, PhD
Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Catherine Boswell is a Licensed Psychologist and a Co-Founder of Psynergy Psychological Associates, a private therapy practice based in Houston, Texas. With over 15 years of experience, Dr. Boswell specializes in treating individuals, groups, couples, and families struggling with trauma, relationships, grief, and chronic pain. She holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Houston. Dr. Bowell has taught courses to Master’s level students at the University of Houston. She is also an author, speaker, and coach.

Catherine Boswell, PhD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

To overcome feelings of guilt, actively engage in the practice of self-forgiveness. Consider whether you would extend the same understanding and compassion to a friend in a similar situation—grant yourself the same leniency. Additionally, take accountability for your actions and view mistakes as valuable opportunities for personal growth. Learning from these experiences is crucial to moving forward and fostering positive development.

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Question

I made a fake account on a social networking site and pretended to be an imaginary person. I said things to someone that I feel guilty about, but I told the person it was me. What should I do?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Seems like you already took responsibility for your actions. If they accepted your apology, you should take his as a learning experience and move on.

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When you feel you're in the right and the other person feels they're in the right, how do you come to a common solution?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

You may just have to agree to disagree. You can let them know that you acknowledge their point of view but do not agree. However, if both of you are wrong, you can start by admitting your own mistake and taking responsibility for your part even if they don't take responsibility for theirs.

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Tips

If you are too shy to apologize in person, send them a text or a letter. If you are sending a letter, putting in a small gift, even a sticker, may help them accept your apology.

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Don't assume that your boss, parent, spouse, or teacher will think the worst of you if you make a mistake. Owning up to mistakes early will earn you respect from them. It won't make them think less of you.

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You don't have to make a big deal out of some things. Small mistakes are easily handled by saying, "Oh. That was my bad. I'm sorry."

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