How to Ask Your Ex for Help

Reviewed by John Keegan

Last Updated: February 4, 2023 Fact Checked

Divorce or break-ups can be difficult for everyone. When you go in different directions it is sometimes very hard to continue without the occasional helping hand from your former spouse. Keep reading for tips to ask for help without damaging your cordial relationship.

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Understand what requests are reasonable and what requests are not. If in doubt you should ask an unbiased third party before you may a request of your former spouse.
- Asking an ex to take a look at repair project is one thing. Asking your ex to house sit while you and your new boy/girlfriend go away for the weekend may be cruel.
Before you ask a favor ask yourself if the request could be insensitive in any way.^{[1]
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If you only ask favors when you absolutely need them and keep the favors reasonable and in good taste, you stand a better chance of getting help when you need it.
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may be contentious depending on the financial status of both parties and the terms of your divorce. An unexpected medical expense for a child is a reasonable financial request. Asking for money every week so you can buy jewelry is not reasonable for most people.
- If you must continually ask for money to feed your children it may be time to return to your attorney and seek help from the courts.
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Try to give your ex as much notice as you can when asking for a favor. By giving them time to adjust their schedule, their budget or their mood you may have more success.
- If you're required to go out of town for work next month it is better to ask your ex to switch weekends now than the week of your trip.
- Dropping a financial bombshell on your ex may make them resentful. If you know your child needs dental work or new glasses, it's best to discuss it before hand with your ex and make a plan. Calling them the day of and asking for money could leave both of you upset.
- By asking for reasonable favors with a reasonable time frame you can keep your relationship more friendly. It also allows you some latitude should you ever have an emergency and really need their help.
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Offer to return the favor and mean it, to pay them for gas, or do something nice for your ex when they do give you a helping hand. Make sure they know you appreciate their assistance and that they can also call you for help when they need it.
- If your ex helps you cut down and put up the Christmas tree you can offer to wrap his presents for him, bake cookies for him to take to work or send him home with a gift card to his favorite store.
- If your ex wife picks you up when your car dies you should send her some flowers or maybe a gift card to a salon.
Remember, you should treat them as a friend and not a servant.^{[2]
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Don't just call them when you need something. This doesn't mean just calling to chat since that could be strange, but you should definitely remember birthdays and holidays and send a card.
Say "thank you". They didn't have to help you, but they did.
If they go through the trouble of helping you out be on time to meet them, don't constantly change the time or place and do what you can to make it easier on them. If the plans must change, give them as much notice as possible.
If your ex makes you feel guilty, helpless or makes your life difficult you should look elsewhere for help. Start networking with other parents, co-workers, etc.^{[3]
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Research source} Get a good support system and only call your ex when you absolutely must.
It may be inconvenient, but if you want to keep your ex in your support system you should return the favor whenever possible and reasonable.^{[4]
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Your ex may still have feelings for you. Asking for help or using their feelings to your advantage is in poor taste. If necessary you should be very specific about your intentions and do not let them think it is part of a reconciliation.
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Dividing the responsibilities of child raising is expected. You shouldn't feel that asking your ex to take on certain responsibilities is a favor but part of the team parenting approach.^{[5]
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- Keep the communications open and communicate often about plans, events, appointments and finances regarding the children.
- Do not confuse team parenting with walking all over your ex. If you do ask them to go out of their way for something that is your task you should consider it a favor and thank them appropriately.
Speak with your ex and mutually agree. Never expect and never make plans for them before discussing it first.
If they can't help you out, you should just move on to another option. Trying to make them feel guilty for not helping you can damage the friendly relationship. Just because you were a couple once doesn't mean they are required to help you.
Be understanding. Offer to help them with a project and perhaps you can develop a post break-up relationship that will allow you both to call on each other for a helping hand from time to time. If you want your ex to be in your support system you should take some initiative and make the first steps.
Try not to overstep your boundaries and participate too much, showing up unannounced or using it as an excuse to spend time around your ex. You should always call and make sure it's ok.
This is especially important when working out complex issues. Nuances are often missed in texting and emails. Pick up the phone, have a conversation and make sure everyone is informed. It will prevent misunderstandings and protect your cordial and sometimes fragile new relationship.^{[6]
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Tips

Ask your ex if it's ok if you call them from time to time for advice on tasks that were once theirs. An ex-husband may need help removing a stain on the carpet and an ex-wife may be clueless on plumbing issues. Asking for permission to call can be the first step in creating a cordial relationship.

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Avoid asking for money. If you must you should also agree to specific terms to pay your ex back. Make sure you are comfortable with the terms and pay your ex back in the time agreed or sooner.

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Remember that financial trouble is the number one reason for marital discord. Asking for money can ruin the cordial relationship you have with your ex.

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