How to Deal with a Guy's Mood Swings

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Psychology-backed ways to de-escalate tense moments and address the roots of his unpredictable mood

Co-authored by Allison Broennimann, PhD

Last Updated: August 27, 2024 Approved

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• Coping in the Moment
|
• Communication
|
• Addressing Deeper Issues
|
• Caring for Yourself
|
• Expert Q&A
|
• Warnings

|Show more |Show less

It can be frustrating if the man in your life has mood swings on a regular basis. You may feel that you're walking on eggshells around your partner, friend, or relative since his mood is prone to sudden, dramatic changes. Thankfully, you’re not powerless in these scenarios. In this article, we’ll show you how to deal with his mood swings in the moment, plus how to address the root causes afterward and keep up your self-care. With some patience and understanding, you’ll achieve healthy communication and boundaries.

Things You Should Know

• Don’t take his mood swings personally. Simply ask if something is wrong and try not to let his bad mood affect yours.
• Be an active listener and make sure he feels heard during a mood swing. If he’s open to help, offer a distraction to de-escalate the situation.
• Reiterate your boundaries around his behavior and encourage him to seek treatment if he’s struggling to manage his feelings.
• Stay connected with others outside of your relationship and try to keep your stress low.

Steps

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Coping in the Moment

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1. 1
   Do not take mood swings personally. When someone is lashing out at you in a bad mood, the first step is to depersonalize. It can be very easy to be affected by someone's bad mood, to the point where you feel negative about yourself. Before reacting, remember it has nothing to do with you.

   • Moody people are subject to sudden changes in mood, and just about anything can set them off. Try to remember this when someone is experiencing a mood swing.
   • For example, your boyfriend was in a good mood, only to lash out at you because you disagreed with him about something. Remind yourself he's a moody person by nature. Keep in mind other times he's suddenly lost his temper when it had little to do with you. If it hadn't been you disagreeing with him, it would have been something else.
   • It can be helpful to think of a moody person like the weather. Their unpredictable nature can be frustrating, but it is never something you can control.
2. 2
   Ask if something is wrong. It can be helpful to reach out to someone having a mood swing. Sometimes, a moody person just needs to talk it out. Mood swings are often irrational responses. If someone is directly asked what's wrong, they may be confronted with the fact they have nothing to be upset about. This may help quell the bad mood.

   • Make sure to ask gently. Even if the person is being very frustrating, being aggressive in return won't help. Do not ask, "What is wrong with you?" Instead, say something like, "I feel like you have snapped at me a lot today. Is there something that's bothering you?"
   • However, you should never put up with someone being aggressive towards you, physically or verbally. If he's yelling at you, calling you names, or using foul language, do not ask what's wrong. Instead, leave the situation until he calms down. You can talk it out later.
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3. 3
   Avoid taking on his bad mood. Remember, you can't control someone else's mood. You can, however, control your own to an extent. If someone is having mood swings, you may end up becoming moody in return. Try to keep your composure as best you can, and keep your distance if you can. Staying calm on your end can prevent the situation from escalating.

   • It's normal to feel frustrated by mood swings, especially if they're directed at you; however, repeat something to yourself like, "I can't control his mood, but I can control mine."
   • Say your boyfriend is taking you out to dinner, for example. The waiter forgets to bring out your drink orders and your boyfriend gets very angry suddenly. The restaurant is busy, and you understand why the waiter forgot, but your boyfriend is going off loudly about it.
   • You do not have to be angry in return. You do not have to agree with him about the waiter and express anger on your own end. Instead, stay calm. Try to disengage and avoid taking on your boyfriend's anger.
4. 4
   Keep things in perspective. Remember that moods, even bad ones, are temporary. If someone is prone to mood swings, negative reactions will not last long. Chances are, he'll calm down as quickly as he was set off. Remind yourself that he'll calm down eventually when he experiences a mood swing.

   • This is not a permanent solution. Mood swings are a problem, especially if they're taken out on you. Keeping things in perspective can help you stay calm in the moment, but the underlying problems behind mood swings should always be addressed.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Communicating During His Mood Swings

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1. 1
   Listen actively. When someone close to you is having a mood swing, it's important to let him talk it out as long as he's not becoming aggressive with you. Sometimes, a listening ear can help someone calm down. Try to pay attention to what he's saying. Even if you do not agree, try to at least understand his perspective.

   • Avoid distractions, like the TV, computer, and your phone. When he's talking about his mood, give him your full attention.
   • Show that you're listening by making eye contact and nodding when appropriate. Avoid blaming or criticizing him for his mood.
   • However, you do not have to listen if someone is being aggressive towards you. If the bad mood is directed at you, you should leave the room rather than being insulted. You do not have to listen actively when you're being berated.
2. 2
   Make sure he feels heard. Oftentimes, someone with mood swings may understand they're being irrational. You want to make sure they feel heard. Do not try to talk him out of a bad mood. Instead, say you hear how he feels.

   • Avoid saying things like, "I know you're stressed about work, but that's irrational. You don't have anything to worry about. It'll be fine."
   • Instead, try something like, "I understand you're very stressed. Work can be stressful, but I'm here to listen."
   • Again, you should not allow him to express feelings when he's being negative or aggressive towards you. If the conversation gets ugly, leave the room.
3. 3
   Leave if he's angry. If someone is having a mood swing, try your best to stay calm for them. This will prevent the situation from escalating and potentially becoming unmanageable. Instead of engaging with someone's anger, leave the situation.

   • Oftentimes, someone with mood swings will attack or lash out at you. These situations are the most difficult to stay calm in, but remember getting defensive will make it worse.
   • You do not have to take put downs or verbal abuse. If someone is making accusations or yelling at you, walk away instead of getting pulled into an argument. Say something like, "You're clearly upset right now. I think it would be better if I gave you some space." Then, leave the room. You can go for a walk or go to a friend's house.
4. 4
   Distract him from his emotions, if necessary. If he's willing to accept help, offer distractions. It can be hard to talk someone out of a bad mood rationally, but you can offer some kind of distraction. Say something like, "You're upset, so let's try not to think about it. I'm sure there's something we can do to keep your mind off of it."

   • You could make him something to eat or drink, like a cup of tea.
   • You could watch a movie together.
   • You could go for a walk together. Exercise often helps regulate mood.
   • Remember, however, that you are not obligated to help someone who's being mean to you. If he's taking out a bad mood on you, leave the situation. Do not try to distract him.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Addressing Deeper Issues

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1. 1
   Establish basic boundaries. If someone is prone to mood swings, boundaries are very important in the relationship. In a romantic relationship especially, you need to establish clear boundaries for acceptable behavior. You want to make it clear to him what is and is not okay when he's experiencing a mood swing.

   • Make sure to reassure him you still care, especially if his mood swings are due to an underlying mental health disorder. Say something like, "I love you, and I want to stay with you. I know you can't always control your moods, but you can't take them out on me."
   • Lay out what behaviors are and are not acceptable. Make this as clear as possible. For example, "It's always okay to feel your feelings. That's important, but just because you're angry or upset does not mean you can act however you want. You can't curse at me anymore when you're having a mood swing. If you curse at me in the future, I will end the conversation and leave the room. If you want to talk things out, you need to do so calmly."
2. 2
   Reiterate boundaries when needed. Remember, setting boundaries is a process. It can take a long time for boundaries to be firmly established, and you may need to adjust them over time. Boundaries may also be violated, especially at first.

   • When he violates your boundaries, remind him of them. For example, "I know you're mad at how I responded to that question, but you can't imitate me. That hurts my feelings. We talked about this."
3. 3
   Encourage him to seek treatment. Mood swings are often a sign of an underlying mental health disorder. If someone you love experiences frequent mood swings, it's important to encourage them to seek professional help. Mood swings can be very damaging to a relationship over time.

   • Introduce the subject of therapy when he's calm and not during a mood swing. You can help him find therapists in the area, and even offer to go with him to his first appointment. Explain that you love him and care about him, but the behavior is damaging to both of you.
   • If he's not willing to attend therapy on his own, suggest couples counseling. He may be more willing to attend joint counseling, as the focus is on both of you communicating better rather than one person's problems.
4. 4
   Support his treatment. If he chooses to seek treatment, be supportive. You can listen to him talk about things like therapy, and remind him there's no shame in needing professional help.

   • You can also help him with any coping techniques a therapist provided. For example, try meditating with him when he experiences a mood swing.
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Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Caring for Yourself

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1. 1
   Stay connected with others. If you're involved with someone prone to mood swings, you may end up isolated from others. When dealing with someone else's emotions constantly, you may not give yourself time to reach out to others. Remember, you need support as well. Do not feel guilty for talking to others.

   • Reach out to friends and family members, especially when his moods are getting to you.
   • Go out and see others, especially if you live with someone prone to mood swings. You are entitled to a break from someone's volatile mood.
2. 2
   Manage your stress level. It can be incredibly stressful to deal with someone's mood swings. Look for positive ways to cope with stress. If you don't deal with stress, it can have consequences down the road.

   • Things like meditation, yoga, and exercise can help alleviate stress.
   • You can also talk to a therapist about stress management. A qualified therapist can teach you about things like deep breathing to help you better manage your stress levels.
3. 3
   Have a life outside the relationship. You should make sure your needs are prioritized. If you're dealing with someone with chronic mood swings, it's important to have a life of your own. Resist letting your life revolve around catering to someone's bad moods.

   • Craving time for yourself is not selfish. It's normal. Someone prone to mood swings may be very demanding of your time; however, remind him you need time to yourself.
   • Do things that you enjoy. Read a book. Go for a walk. Attend events around your town. See friends. You are entitled to your own life. You do not have to have your life revolve around someone else's bad moods.
4. 4
   End the relationship, if necessary. Oftentimes, mood swings can lead to emotional abuse. Even if abusive tendencies stem from an underlying personality disorder, they are never okay. If you believe you are being abused, you should end the relationship. Signs of abuse include:

   • Deliberately embarrassing you
   • Refusing to talk to you
   • Controlling who you spend time with and how you spend your money
   • Aggressive or demeaning language
   • Constant texts or phone calls when you're not with him
   • Unreasonable jealousy and moodiness
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  How can I help my husband with mood swings?

  

  Allison Broennimann, PhD
  Clinical Psychologist

  Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.

  

  Allison Broennimann, PhD

  Clinical Psychologist

  Expert Answer

  This can be challenging on so many levels. However, it's possible to hold onto yourself and keep a healthy, respectful distance, rather than joining them in the chaos. This is called loving and compassionate detachment, and it's actually much healthier for you, your partner, and your relationship if you can stay outside the orbit of their mood swings.

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Warnings

• If there is any hitting or other physical abuse occurring, you must leave the situation. You should also report abuse to the proper authorities. If you believe your life is in danger, call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area.
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