How to Know if the Boy You Love Is a Player

Co-authored by Maya Diamond, MA

Last Updated: August 15, 2023

Most girls (and women) have been there. They're worried a guy they like is a player, but how can you tell for sure? There are telltale signs that the boy you love is a player but these aren't always 100% accurate. However, when a lot of these red flags crop up, you would be wise to be wary.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Knowing How a Player Talks

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1
Study his smoothness. Boys who are players aren’t going to be nervous, stammering types around a girl. They will seem almost too practiced, and they will flirt with you with ease because it’s a game to them, and they’ve done this before. For example:
- They will always have a rehearsed pickup line or a flirty joke. You'll think he’s “prince charming” and like you can do no wrong in his eyes.
- They're brimming with confidence around you, talk with ease, and say everything that a girl would want to hear. However, they speak in generalities rather than including meaningful details.
- They do these things before they really get to know you and will go over the top to impress. Their words sound fake and artificial.
2
Spot over-the-top flattery. A guy who is a player will seem more interested in you than anyone has before. At first. However, he will then cheat or just leave you once he gets what he wants, which is physical intimacy and/or your affirmation. For example:
- He'll try to get you to feel important by showering your with flattery. He may pretend that you share interests so that you'll be amazed how much you have in common.
- Some flattery is sincere. Pay attention to how much, how often, and to what degree he does it. A player's flattery will be over-the-top.
- Be wary of “love bombing.” This is where he bombs you with endearment, praise, clings to everything you say, pampers you, and puts you on a pedestal. His flattery will focus primarily on your looks.
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3
Pay attention to what he never says. There are certain words that a player is likely to never say to you. Although the player is very talkative, he’s not going to sacrifice being in control.
- A player is unlikely to say “I love you.” There are a few players who will say this just to get what they want and not mean it, but generally speaking, a player won’t utter those words because he doesn’t want you to think this is long term.^{[1]
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- A player won’t say that it’s up to you to decide what to do when it comes to going out. That’s because he’s not really interested in your life, hobbies, desires or activities.
- A player stays in control of the timing and venue. He might even require that you only meet inside his or your home so others don’t see you.
- If he tries to have sex with you and doesn’t have a condom, it’s less likely he’s a player. A player will always come prepared because he does this a lot.^{[2]
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4
Pay attention to how he talks about past girlfriends. If a guy is a player, he’s probably hurt a lot of women or girls before. In order to throw you off the scent, he will project his behavior on them. He will act like he was victimized by them.
- He will trash talk his exes, by calling them “psycho” or “crazy” and try to make you think that he was the victim and the breakup was all their fault.
- If he does this repeatedly or about more than one person, start questioning whether the person engaging in bad behavior was actually him.
- Pay attention to how other girls in his orbit treat you. Players tend to have lots of girls around them, especially desperate ones who seem angry at them.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Knowing How a Player Acts

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1
Notice if he flirts with other girls. A guy who is a player isn’t going to be satisfied with just the attention of one girl, you. Instead, he will seek affirmation from many girls and in many corners, and he will sometimes do this when he is with you.
- He likes being in the spotlight and gets pleasure from female attention. He wants to “capture” as many girls as he can, as if making another notch on his belt.
- He will flirt with lots of girls because he likes to have them chasing him or interested in him. He'll entice them to crush on him through things like steady eye contact.
- He will flirt with others by smiling, telling jokes, and initiating friendly conversation. If you confront him, he'll deny that he was flirting with other people.
2
Spot whether he moves too fast. A guy who is a player is interested in physical contact with you right away. Since that’s often his central goal, he sees no reason to take it slow. He is eager to cut to the chase and get what he’s really after.
- He won't bother to develop emotional intimacy because all he wants is physical intimacy. He'll go for it faster than a guy who's truly interested in developing a longer term relationship with you.
- He will touch you on the first date, perhaps by kissing you (or even trying to move farther if you will let him). He sees no reason to patiently wait.
- By the second date, his patience will be exhausted, and he may try to get physical with you. If he senses that you want to go slower, he'll move on to be someone else with whom with he has a better chance.
3
Study his actions. A lot of girls make the mistake of focusing on a boy’s words instead of paying attention to his actions. A player will do things like act like it’s a chore to find time for you. His pretty words may be designed to flatter you by luring you into liking him. Focus on what he does, not what he says. For example:
- He's a player if he texts you at the last minute, controls when he sees you, and vanishes for long periods of time. A genuine guy will give you more freedom.
- He's not a player if he asks you on actual dates and wants you to meet his friends and family. A player will be mysterious and hide aspects of his personal life.
- A player may text you right as bars or restaurants are closing because he secretly doesn't want it to be a date. A non-player will plan ahead with you.
4
Watch his body language. A player thinks he’s charming, and he plays it to the hilt. He’s a flirtatious, overly confident, braggart. He thinks he’s all that, so he doesn’t try to pretend to be humble. For example:^{[3]
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- A player will swagger or strut when he walks. He will sometimes smirk, as if he has a hidden secret.
- A player will often touch other people a lot, but he'll avoid public displays of affection with you around other people. He'll only be affectionate in private.
- A player will be an extrovert and outgoing. He'll talk a lot and enjoy being the center of attention. He'll also use a lot of direct eye contact, one of the strongest signs of a player.
5
Figure out whether he answers the phone right away. A player won’t be able to answer the phone right away all the time. The reason: There are people he doesn’t want to know about you, and he might be with one of them at that time.
- Perhaps he’s with another girl. Perhaps he’s with guy friends. Perhaps he’s with family members. The key is that he doesn’t want them to know you’re calling.
- He screens his calls. He'll call you back, but he won't answer the phone right away. Similarly, if he doesn’t answer his phone when you’re with him, there may be another girl that he doesn’t want you to know about.
- The same goes for texting. If he takes forever to respond to a text, there could be a reason for it: He’s busy with someone else. He would never let you see his texts.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Smoking out Whether a Boy is a Player

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1
Analyze whether you’re impulsive around him. Boys who are players will try to trigger impulsiveness in you because this works out to their advantage; they want you to violate your boundaries on physical intimacy fast. For example:
- He allows you to think that there’s an instant emotional connection, perhaps even saying that you're soulmates or sending you romantic songs.
- He’s trying to get you to cross your boundaries so that he can get what he is after, which is physical intimacy.
- He'll lose interest in a girl who reasserts her boundaries, seems very cautious, and requires patience because he’s not really interested in a relationship.
2
Make him wait. The best way to sort out for sure whether a guy is a player or not is to make him wait a significant time for any physical intimacy with you.
- If he’s not a player, he will be OK with this and respect you more because you're not “easy.”
- If he’s a player, he'll be annoyed by this and will try to cajole you into breaking your boundaries. When this doesn’t work, he'll dump you. Be aware, however, that some players who can wait a long time to get what they want.
3
Pay attention to whether he keeps you secret. A player will have a reason to either keep you secret or just to downplay your relationship to others so that he can keep playing the field with other girls.
- The reason is sadly that he wants to keep his options open to mess around with lots of girls, and if he tells people he has a girlfriend, other girls might stay away.
- It’s important to see whether he tells other people about you, and whether he downplays the state of the relationship to them if he does.
- Does he say things to you that indicate you’re exclusive, but acts distant to you around other people? If he’s downplaying you, he’s probably a player.
4
Pay attention to his relationships. Other people around him, who have known him longer, will have had time to see his patterns. Check out his other relationships, and maybe talk to some of those people. For example:
- If his friends don’t think highly of him, they’ve probably observed his bad behavior. Another bad sign is if his male friends are also known players.
- Is he mostly friends with girls? That’s a bad sign. It means that guys have figured out he’s not a very good person, and he doesn’t like the male competition.
- Is he still connected to his ex in a way that goes beyond being platonic? Do girls seem desperate around him or are now angry at him? If so, he probably did to them what he’s about to do to you.
5
See whether he cares a lot about his appearance. It’s good if a boy cares if he looks nice. That’s not the point. But if he’s over the top about it, there’s a greater chance he’s a player.
- For example, a player will spend a lot of time working out and will brag about and show off his muscles. He puts a high premium on physical appearance.
- This will extend to how he dresses. He will likely be seen in nice clothes, including flashing expensive labels to show off.
- His car will also be flashy. There’s nothing subtle about this guy. He uses his body, his clothes, and his car to draw girls.
6
Check out his social media. The way a guy presents himself on social media can give you a sense of whether he is a player or not. If he is a player, he will use social media to try to attract girls.
- Check his relationship status. Players may often pretend that they're single online or hide their status.
- Players will have lots of attractive girls on their friend list. Their comments will be flirty in nature.
- Their photos and videos on social media sites will be designed to showcase their physical attractiveness. He won't seem to mind or discourage flirting.

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Question

What does it mean when a guy is a player?

Maya Diamond, MA
Relationship Coach
Maya Diamond is a Dating and Relationship Coach in Berkeley, CA. She has 15 years of experience helping singles stuck in frustrating dating patterns find internal security, heal their past, and create healthy, loving, and lasting partnerships. She received her Master's in Somatic Psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies in 2009.

Maya Diamond, MA

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

A player is someone who doesn't really want a relationship, but they may be dishonest about their attentions because they want sex or attention. When you're dating, look out for a false myth, or a lack of sincerity in the way someone holds themselves. If you listen to your body, your intuition, and your heart, you can usually tell if someone is being genuine or not.

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Question

See if your boyfriend's friend tells you to 'die' and your boyfriend doesn't do anything but just laughs, what does this mean?

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It means he's immature and cares more about looking cool to his friend than your hurt feelings. Not a good sign.

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The guy I like likes me back but he is a player and has had 3 girlfriends since we found out we liked each other. He keeps flirting with my best friend, and I'm starting to wonder if he actually likes me. What do you think? He told me he didn't, but I'm starting to think otherwise.

Community Answer

Your answer is right in your comment. If he's flirting with your best friend and he has had three other girlfriends and told you he doesn't like you, then, minimally, he also likes other people. This guy will cause nothing but pain. The writing is on the wall. Look elsewhere.

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Notice if he stares at girls when you're around. This means that he may not be listening to you or caring too much about the conversation.

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If your family members or friends hate him, there's probably a good reason.

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Do people refer to him as a player?

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