How to Avoid Being Clingy With Friends

Co-authored by Peggy Rios, PhD

Last Updated: May 27, 2024 Approved

Nobody wants to be the friend who is being clingy. However, at some point or another, most all of us have been there. When we are feeling like we might be losing a relationship or if we are not sure that the other person cares about it, the tendency for most people is to try to bring the relationship back together by holding onto it as tightly as we can. Unfortunately, in many cases, this can feel smothering for the other person. If you are worried that you are being clingy, take steps to distance yourself a bit from the friendship, determine whether or not you are actually being clingy, and try to build up a bit of confidence in yourself so you won't feel so dependent upon your friendship.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Being Less Clingy With Friends

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1
Be nice to friends of your friends. It can be very easy to feel jealous of friends of your friends. If you do come into contact with a friend of your friend (for example, at a party), be nice to them. Don't accuse them of trying to steal away your friends. You never know, you may even become friends with them, and then you have a new friend and you don't have to feel jealous.
- It may not be easy, but try to be happy that your friend has such a big support system. If you truly care about them, then you should feel happy that your friend has many people they can count on.
- Don't say something to their friend like, “Oh, you're Ella's friend? Well, that's cool, but you'll probably never be as close to them as I am so don't even try.”
- Say something like, "Hi Pixie. I'm Daisy. Nice to meet you".
2
Accept that you may not be their “best friend.” Just because you consider someone your best friend doesn't mean they have to think the same about you. Yes, it can be a bit hurtful, but you can't force someone to be your best friend. Friendships have their ups and downs, just like any relationship. There may come a time when they rely on you more, and you rely on them less.
- The sooner that you understand that you can't make people do what you want, the sooner you will be able to relax. If you are able to be more relaxed, people will be more drawn to you, and they will admire your ability to go with the flow.
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3
Limit your contact with them. This doesn't mean you have to ignore them or anything like that. It just means that, if you've been contacting them a lot lately, following them around, or constantly commenting on their social media accounts, try to give it a rest. Let them find their way to you. If they really are your friend, they will get in touch with you.
- When they do get in touch with you, don't treat them as though they've done something wrong. Remind yourself that this is what you wanted, and be happy about it.
- If you want to look at your friend's social media account to see what they're up to, that's fine. However, realize that you may see pictures of them doing things with other people, and you may feel jealous. If you find yourself feeling jealous, avoid commenting something clingy on the photo. For example, don't say, “It looks like you're having a lot of fun without even inviting me! :(“
4
Allow your friends their space. Some people need more space from friends and people than others, and just because they don't want to spend every free minute of their day with you doesn't mean they don't care about you. If you think you may be being a bit clingy, try to back off a bit.^{[1]
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- If you've been going to their house every single day after school, stop for awhile. Wait until they invite you to come or until they ask why you haven't been coming over anymore. If they do ask, just be honest. Tell them that you wanted to respect their space, but that you're happy to come over if they want you to.
- For example, you can say, “I just felt like maybe I was coming over too often, and I realize that you need to have your own space, too. I'd be happy to come over whenever you want though!”
5
Suggest something specific. When you do initiate something with your friends, try to have an idea in mind. Don't just say, “I want to hang out with you.” Instead, find something to do that you think they will enjoy and suggest going together.
- You can also sound very confident and like you will go with or without them by saying something such as, “Hey! There's this concert that I'm going to on Saturday. Do you want to come along?” This will show your friends that you don't have to have them around to enjoy something, but that you do like to do things with them.
6
Don't get angry if they say, “No.” When you're feeling clingy, someone turning you down can really feel bad. If they give you a reason why they can't go, try to accept this and don't question whether or not they made it up. If they don't give a reason, don't just assume it's because they don't want to hang out with you. If you get mad, you'll just make them feel tense around you because they will feel like they have to agree to do whatever you want in order to avoid making you angry.
- If you are feeling angry about it, try to let off some steam once they are gone. You could go for a run or write your feelings about the situation in a journal. If you really feel upset about it, you can try talking with your friend about it, but realize that this may not help if you want to seem less clingy.
- For example, if they turn you down, don't say, “I know you're just making up excuses and that you don't really want to hang out with me. You're being a bad friend.” This is an overreaction and it will probably freak your friend out a bit. Instead, say something like, “Oh, ok. It's cool. Maybe next time.”
7
Let them go. If you have become clingy towards a certain friend because you have noticed them starting to pull or drift away from you, think about letting the relationship go. Friendships do come and go, and sometimes if is easier for everyone if you just let the relationship end and move on with new people.
- This doesn't mean you can't talk to them about what is going on, but realize that they may not be honest, especially if they are afraid of hurting your feelings. If you have been best friends with someone for many years, you should approach them if you notice they are behaving differently towards you.
- For example, you could say, “It seems like we've been drifting apart lately. Is everything OK?”
8
Find friends that value you. It may be the case that you have a group of friends that is taking you for granted. Though it may be hard to accept this, sometimes it is for the best. If you truly believe that your friends don't really care about you, think about finding some new friends that will care about you and how you're feeling.
- Once you find true friends, you will be much happier, even if this means hanging out with less “popular” people.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Determining Whether or Not You Are Being Clingy

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1
Think about how often you need your friend around. Are you constantly asking your friends to do something? Do you try to have a plan to hang out every single day during your free time? If so, you are probably being a bit clingy. Try to remember that nearly everyone can benefit from having some good quality alone time.
- Sometimes it can be weird to hang out alone, especially if you're used to being around people all of the time. Try doing something like reading or even just watching TV for a bit.
2
Determine whether or not you are the one who initiates everything. Does your friend initiate contact just as much as you do, or are you the one making all the plans and asking your friend to hang out all the time? If you are the one doing all the work, then you may be being a bit clingy.
- If this is the case, try to back off a bit and see if your friends takes over some of the responsibility.
3
Count how often you call or text your friend. You don't have to literally make a count of how many times you call or text someone each day. There is no rule when it comes to what is OK and what is not OK. However, you should try to be conscientious about how often you are calling/texting versus how often they are contacting you.
- For example, if you call your friend everyday after school or if you spend your evening sending them text messages, and they don't seem so eager to talk to you or aren't really answering your messages, you may be overdoing it.
4
Think about how often you feel worried that you're not being included. Often, we tend to cling to people when we feel insecure in our relationship with them. When we feel insecure about something we tend to become paranoid and overreactive. Do you find yourself constantly worried that your friends are doing something without you?
- If you do find yourself being worried about this, then you may be being clingy. Try to remind yourself that you don't have to do every single things that your friends are doing all the time. It's even a good idea to do your own thing once in awhile.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Building Your Own Self-Confidence

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1
Talk with someone about your insecurities. Talking through your worries and insecurities with someone can be more helpful than you think. If you think you have a real problem with clinginess, it might be best to talk it through with a professional counsellor. Your school may have one that is there for exactly this purpose, and you can talk to them about anything that's worrying you. It can be helpful to talk with a professional because they can be more objective than friends or family sometimes.^{[2]
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- If you can't or don't want to talk with a counsellor, consider talking with a parent or a trusted adult.
- Talk to them about how you're feeling and what's going on in your life. Tell them that you are worried you are being too clingy with friends, but you're not sure what to do about it. They have probably been there before and can offer advice about how to handle it.
2
Keep up with your family and responsibilities. Try to remember that friends are not all there is to life even if they do play a big and important part in it. Remember that you have responsibilities at home and at school or work. Make sure that you are taking care of all of those things instead of neglecting them to always be around your friends.
- The same goes for your family. Besides your friends, you have a family that cares about you. Spend time nurturing your relationships with your siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. These are the people that will be there for you no matter what.
- Spending time with family can be a great way to start feeling more secure. In most cases, your family knows you better than anyone else and accepts you all the same. If you have secure relationships with your family members, you can learn how to act that way with friends, too.
3
Have hobbies that you do on your own. In addition to making sure that you are taking care of your responsibilities and family, find things that you enjoy doing alone. It is good to learn to just be with yourself and feel comfortable with it. If you already have a hobby that you enjoy, then great. If you don't, try out a few things you've been curious about and see what grabs your attention.^{[3]
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- Many hobbies have their way of making you more confident in yourself. For example, they may teach you a cool skill.
- If you don't know where to get started, give yourself the space to just be bored for a while. Usually, that will help you figure out what you're interested in—and you might just find something to do that you wouldn't have done if you were busy with your friends.^{[4]
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  Expert Source
  
  Peggy Rios, PhD
  Counseling Psychologist
  
  Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.}
4
Build your self-confidence. Although there are many indirect ways of building confidence in yourself, you can also take steps to work on your self-confidence more directly. In order to build self-confidence, you will need to become aware of the bad things you are thinking about yourself. Any time you catch yourself getting mad at yourself or thinking something negative about yourself, try to become aware of it, and remind yourself that you aren't going to think that way anymore.^{[5]
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- This also means that you need to give yourself credit when you do something good. If you say something funny that makes people laugh or you do a good deed, let yourself feel proud.

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How do I stop being a clingy friend?

Peggy Rios, PhD
Counseling Psychologist
Dr. Peggy Rios is a Counseling Psychologist based in Florida. With over 24 years of experience, Dr. Rios works with people struggling with psychological symptoms such as anxiety and depression. She specializes in medical psychology, weaving together behavioral health programs informed by empowerment theory and trauma treatment. Dr. Rios uses integrated, evidence-based models to provide support and therapy for people with life-altering medical conditions. She holds an MS and Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Maryland. Dr. Rios is a licensed psychologist in the state of Florida.

Peggy Rios, PhD

Counseling Psychologist

Expert Answer

Focus on how to keep your own company, and think about what it is you're trying to get from other people that you can provide for yourself. For example, if you feel bored, think about what you can do to engage your own mind. What's interesting to you? A lot of times when you give yourself the opportunity to be bored, you actually end up finding creativity.

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Tips

Try to understand that if you have a tendency to be clingy, it is probably because you have had many relationships where you have felt insecure about the other person's feelings for you. For example, maybe family members have said things that made you feel unsure whether or not they cared for you. Remember that it isn't your fault, but that you can take responsibility for improving your relationships with other people.^{[6]
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Warnings

Don't stalk people. There is a fine line between being a bit clingy and stalking someone. If someone is your friend, there is no reason you need to monitor their every move. Remember that people have a right to their own space and privacy. If you have to ask yourself whether or not you are stalking someone, then you are probably taking things a bit too far, and it's time to back off.

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