How to Be Best Friends

Co-authored by Adam Dorsay, PsyD

Last Updated: November 29, 2024 References

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The relationship between best friends is one of the most important ones we experience in our lives. It’s why we want to do as much as possible to make sure our best friend enjoys spending time with us. Most of the time this comes naturally, but every once in a while we need to remind ourselves of the things we do that make some friends more special than others.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Enjoying Life with Your Friend

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Plan activities together. Some of the most cherished memories that people have are of times when they were out with their best friend. Make plans together and be sure to actually follow through on them. The most important thing is to be sure you’re making an effort to spend time with them outside your home, school, or work.
- You can do pretty much anything you want with your best friend. Take a day trip where you spend the whole day together, or just put an hour aside to grab coffee. The important thing is that you enjoy your time together.
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Stay in together. Best friends don’t have to do something crazy to have a good time. Sometimes, it’s enough to go over to one of your houses and just hang out. Invite your friend over even when you don’t have something special planned. Just enjoy each other’s company and relax.
- There are still fun activities you can do if you’re staying inside. Watch a movie, play video games, bake some cupcakes – whatever. Staying home doesn’t have to mean sitting quietly on the couch.
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Do some things regularly with one another. Seeing each other on a regular basis will make the bond between you even stronger. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Maybe you eat lunch together every day or you take the bus to school together. Even if it’s only for 20 minutes or so, regularly seeing your friend is an important part of being a best friend.
- Regular activities will also help you create some good memories because it gives you more opportunities to do things together.
- As well as helping you be best friends with someone, regular social interaction is just plain good for your mental health. Science has shown that it reduces the chance of experiencing anxiety, depression, and stress if they see another person face-to-face regularly. If you struggle with these problems, regular social activities will help you feel better and strengthen your friendships.
As you spend time together, there will be moments that cause the two of you to break into hysterical laughter. Remember these times and bring them up later. It’ll make the two of you smile and start laughing again as well as remind both of you of all the happy moments that you’ve shared with one another.
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Be spontaneous. You don’t need to follow a script to be best friends with someone. Hit them up whenever you feel like it. Your friend will appreciate that you think about them even when you aren’t hanging out with each other.
- Aren’t sure what’s appropriate? If you’re not with them and see something that reminds you of them or you know they’ll think is funny, call or text them and tell them about it. Ask them to hang out even if you don’t have plans to. Just reach out.
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Make friends with their family. Being best friends with someone probably means you’re spending a lot of time at their house. Get to know their family members and become friends with them. Ask them about their life and how things have been going when you see them. Try to remember details about them that you can bring up the next time you see them. You may not get along all the time, but in general you should make an effort to be friendly with their family.
- You may get invited on family vacations if you’re best friends with someone. Make sure to be on your best behavior and treat all their relatives with respect if you’re fortunate enough to be invited. If you don’t, it could really do some damage to your friendship.

Part 2

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Supporting Your Best Friend

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Be there for your friend when they’re sad. We all have moments in life where we feel bad. If your friend is upset, talk to them and encourage them to express why they’re feeling low. Try to see things from their perspective and offer sympathy. They’ll see how important they are to you and return the favor when you need it. ^{[1]
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- Most of the time, people are more interested in someone sympathizing with them than they are with someone offering solutions. As tempting as it can be, don’t try to tell your friend how to solve their problem when they’re talking to you. If you really feel like you need to say something, wait until they have calmed down a little bit to bring it up. ^{[2]
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- If they’re truly in a slump, you may need to do more for them. Help them with things like running errands and basic chores. They’ll really value it once they’ve bounced back.
- Sometimes people experience awful things like the death of a family member that cause them to go through the grieving process. This pretty much always makes people do things that are out of character, but don’t mistake this for them not wanting your support. If someone’s dealing with a tragedy, stay by their side even if they don’t seem happy to see you. Your best friend still needs your help and will never forget that you supported them the whole time.^{[3]
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Esther Perel, Psychotherapist

Friends are one of life's great constants. "Friends provide community and continuity in an ever changing world. They’re often the witnesses of our lives that accompany us when lovers come and go, but the friends are there to stay."
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Allow your best friend to support you. Support is a two-way street. You have to trust the person offering it for it to be effective. Go to your best friend if you’re sad or angry about something. Be open with your friend and talk about why you feel that way. Not only will it help you feel better, it will build the trust you two share and strengthen the bonds of your friendship as well.^{[4]
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- This involves practice being vulnerable by opening up and sharing yourself even in the face of rejection. Vulnerability may seem difficult, but it can help lead to deeper relationships as it provides your friend with a space to open up, too.^{[5]
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Encourage your best friend. You should try to support your best friend at all times, not just when they’re sad. Encourage your best friend to try everything they want to and do their best in everything they try. It will help put them in a better mood and give them energy to chase their dreams, something they will definitely appreciate. They’ll always remember the people who cheered them along the way to achieving their dreams.^{[6]
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- Even if you don’t approve of what they want to do, you should still support your friend as long as it won’t hurt them and won’t get them in trouble. You don’t have to do all of the same things your friend does. Supporting your friend when they know you aren’t a huge fan of whatever they are trying to do will mean a lot to them.
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Be loyal to your best friend. Don’t tell other people things that your best friend told you to keep a secret. Don’t try to get them to do something they don’t want to do for your own gain. These things will betray their trust and ruin your friendship forever.
- This might mean making some tough decisions about who your loyalty lies with when two of your friends are in a conflict. At the end of the day, you should stand by your best friend’s side. This kind of unconditional loyalty is very important.
- If you want your best friend to trust you with their secrets, you will probably have to tell them a few of your own. If you ever have something you feel like you just have to get off your chest, your best friend should be one of the first people you turn to. Sharing secrets with one another will make it easy for the two of you to be loyal to one another.
No one is perfect, so you shouldn’t expect this from your best friend. Don’t try to change things about your friend that you think are bad or holding them back. ^{[7]
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Research source} They probably know what they are just as much as you do. In time, you may realize that these quirks are what drew the two of you together in the first place.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Being Someone People Want to Call Their Friend

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Kindness makes the person doing it and the person receiving it happy. People want to be around people who are habitually kind. Treat everyone with respect and do little things to help out people who you can see are struggling with something. You’d be surprised at the impact even the smallest of gestures can have.
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View friends as equals. You shouldn’t look down on your friends and you shouldn’t treat them like royalty either. People don’t like it when other people think they are better than them. At the same time, most people get uncomfortable when it’s clear that someone has low self-esteem in comparison to them. At the end of the day, we’re all just people. Try to remember this at all times.
- If this is something you continually struggle with, put an effort into thinking about what you are going to say and how people might see it. It shouldn’t like you’re trying to be mean to your friend to yourself. If you monitor yourself carefully, your habits will naturally change in time.
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Be funny. It’s not a secret – people like to laugh. Make jokes when it’s appropriate. It’s ok to tease someone, but don’t say anything that is genuinely mean-spirited. You’ll be happier finding the humor in the little things and people will want to spend more time with you.
- Don’t worry if you aren’t a natural comedian. A good way to be funny is to surround yourself with people, media, and things that make you laugh. Watch comedies and listen to comedians. Take some time to relax each day if you have a stressful schedule. It won’t happen overnight, but soon you’ll be more comfortable doing things and cracking jokes that make people laugh.^{[8]
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Be yourself. There’s no point in trying to be a different person because you think someone will like you more that way. Unless they’re not terribly perceptive, they’ll be able to see straight through your act. No one wants to hang out with posers. Being yourself will attract friends who like you for you, not for what you’re trying to be.
- Being your genuine self means being open, honest, and sincere about who you are. It also means keeping your word and being trustworthy. Practice being genuine with yourself and others. This will help you build your relationships with others, as well as your self-confidence.^{[9]
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Expert Q&A

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Question

How do you know if someone is a good friend?

Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.

Adam Dorsay, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker

Expert Answer

Try doing the "Drive Away" test. When you drive away after hanging out with your friend, how do you feel? Do you feel happier? Do you feel heard? Was your friend giving you their undivided attention? If the answers to these questions are yes, that's a sign that the person is a good friend.

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Tips

Being around your best friend should make you feel good. If you aren’t enjoying yourself around your best friend, it might be time to reexamine the people you surround yourself with.

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Don't go into a friend problem unless those two people are your friends. If they know you're trying to get them along, just say that they are your best friends and you don't want to see them fight.

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Don’t expect something in return if you do something for your friend. You should do it because you want to, not so you can get something out of it.

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Warnings

People change and friends drift apart. This is true for best friends as well. Don’t try to hang on to a best friend that isn’t interested in spending time with you. Doing so is just asking to get hurt.

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