How to Maintain Your Independence While Living at Home

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Make living with your parents a better experience for everyone

Co-authored by Kirsten Thompson, MD and Jennifer Mueller, JD

Last Updated: February 4, 2024 Fact Checked

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Establishing Boundaries

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Contributing to the Household

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Managing Your Personal Life

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Expert Q&A

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Tips

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Warnings

If you're a young adult who's recently moved back in with your parents, you're not alone. Studies show that around half of all 18- to 29-year-old Americans are living with one or both of their parents.^{[1]
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Pew Research Center
Nonpartisan thinktank conducting research and providing information on public opinion, demographic trends, and social trends

Go to source} But living with your parents doesn't mean you're a child again—you can still live an independent adult life. We're here to show you how with our complete guide to maintaining your independence while living in your parents' home.

Things You Should Know

Use open communication to set strong boundaries so that you and your parents aren't stepping on each other's toes and to keep conflicts to a minimum.
Contribute your fair share around the house, whether it's covering a portion of the household bills or helping out with household chores.
Spend most of your time out of the house to live your own life and give your parents time to themselves.

Section 1 of 3:

Establishing Boundaries

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1
Develop strong, healthy communication with your parents. Because of your past, it's easy to slip back into old patterns. Build a relationship in which you communicate with each other adult-to-adult. This likely involves sitting down with your parents and explaining that even though you're moving back in with them (or not moving out), you are still a growing adult and expect to be treated that way.^{[2]
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- If things get too tense, simply say, "I'm feeling overwhelmed and need some privacy." Then, you can continue the conversation once you've had a chance to decompress.
- You might also come up with a safe word or hand signal that either you or your parents can use when you're overwhelmed in the moment and need some time to yourself.
2
Respect your parents' privacy. Remember that your parents have boundaries too. Pay attention to their needs and wants and go along with what they say. It can help to think of your parents as adult roommates—they need their space as much as you do. After all, they've sacrificed quiet moments and personal space that they once had to themselves.^{[3]
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- For example, you might agree to stay with a friend so they can have the house to themselves at least one night a week.
- When in doubt, follow their lead. For example, if they keep their bedroom door closed, you might keep yours closed as well.
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3
Let your parents know your plans when you go out. Tell your parents about your general routine from the outset so they always have at least a vague idea of where you're going to be and what you're going to be doing. Let them know that they can get in touch with you on your mobile phone if they need you for anything.^{[4]
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- It's also helpful to call or text and ask if they need anything if you're going out. For example, if you're headed to the grocery store, you might ask if you can pick anything up for them.
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Discuss potential houseguests in advance. If you're planning on having someone over, avoid conflict with your parents by letting them know at least a few days before. This gives you time to talk about boundaries and what your parents consider to be appropriate behavior.^{[5]
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- For example, if your parents aren't okay with your significant other spending the night, don't push it. Accept that they've set that boundary. If you want to spend the night with your significant other, you can go to their place or plan a weekend trip out of town with them.
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Create a space for yourself. You likely have your own room, but you also want to make sure that it's your private space and your parents will leave you alone when you're there. If you work remotely, you might also want to carve out a separate space where you can work without being bothered.^{[6]
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- For example, you might let your parents know that when the door to your room is closed, they should knock before entering.
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Make a plan to move out on your own. Set realistic personal, professional, and financial goals—then stick to them! Don't worry if it ends up taking you more time than you originally intended. As long as you're making steady progress, you're fine.^{[7]
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- Share your plans with your parents and give them updates on your progress. Think of them as partners—they're helping you out and have a vested interest in your success.

Section 2 of 3:

Contributing to the Household

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1
Pay for your own expenses. Most adult children who live with their parents pay something toward the household bills. Even if your parents aren't making you pay rent, you can still buy your own groceries and contribute toward utilities and other household expenses. Set down with your parents to create a budget and talk about what you can afford.^{[8]
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- If you don't yet have a job when you move in, revisit this budget once you've found something. Take it upon yourself to bring it up—it shows your parents that you're being responsible.
- Even if you and your parents have agreed that you should be saving up for a deposit or down payment, you can still contribute something to cover the cost you add by living there.
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Respect the house and your parents' possessions. Your parents' boundaries likely also relate to the way they expect you to behave in their house. They might want you to take your shoes off when you enter or only eat in the kitchen or dining room. When you respect these rules, it shows your parents that you're mature enough to eventually start living on your own and that you don't expect them to take care of you anymore.^{[9]
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- If you, your children, or your friends damage something in the house, apologize sincerely to your parents and make plans to repair or replace it (at your own expense) as soon as possible.
3
Help out your parents with household chores. Take care of your own responsibilities, including doing your own laundry and cleaning up after yourself. In addition, helping to clean the common areas of the house and doing various chores without being asked shows your parents that you aren't taking advantage of them and that you're capable of living on your own.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Kirsten Thompson, MD
Board Certified Psychiatrist

Expert Interview. 18 August 2021.}
- For example, if you see that the trash can is getting full, you might take the trash out and replace the liner rather than shoving it down or leaving it for someone else to do.
- Vacuuming or sweeping and mopping the kitchen and living areas also shows your parents that you respect them and want to be helpful and responsible.
- Be consistent with whatever you do. For example, if you decide to vacuum the living room once, go ahead and plan to do it once a week.
4
Show your appreciation for your parents' help. Regardless of the circumstances that caused you to remain living with your parents, a little appreciation goes a long way. Doing special things for them from time to time shows that you're grateful that they've gone out of their way to accommodate you and your needs.^{[11]
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- For example, you might make them dinner once or twice a week and buy them a nice bottle of wine to share.
- You might also give them a date night out with movie tickets and a gift card to their favorite restaurant.

Section 3 of 3:

Managing Your Personal Life

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1
Make your own decisions without parental input. Just because you've moved back home with your parents doesn't mean that they're in charge of your life. The more decisions you can make on your own, the more independent you'll feel and be. Building confidence in your decision-making abilities will help you out in the long run.^{[12]
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- For example, if you're separated from your spouse and have a child, work out child care with your spouse rather than with your parents.
- This doesn't mean you can't ask your parents for advice! But when you talk to them, already have a decision made—then you can ask what they think of your decision, rather than what they think you should do.
2
Spend most of your time outside of the house. Take walks around the neighborhood, go to a park, or visit the library every day. You'll feel more independent if you spend most of your time out on your own instead of in your parents' environment. Being out of their home also gives you the time and space to think freely.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Kirsten Thompson, MD
Board Certified Psychiatrist

Expert Interview. 18 August 2021.}
- This is especially important if you work remotely, or if your parents are retired or also work remotely. You need time apart from each other to keep your relationship healthy.
3
Go out with your friends on a regular basis. If you've recently moved back in with your folks after living on your own, you might feel awkward about hanging out with your friends who are living on their own—don't! There are plenty of people who move back in with their parents, for lots of reasons, and there's no reason to feel awkward or embarrassed about it.^{[14]
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- Keeping up with your own life will help you feel more independent and as though you're living your own life, even if you are living with your parents.
- Friends are also important for emotional support, especially if you're going through a difficult time after having to move back in with your parents.
4
Provide adequate care for any children you have. If you have kids, talk with your parents about the role they want to have in your kids' lives and how much time they want to spend with them. Even if your parents are retired, don't just assume they're going to be free babysitters. While they might be more than willing to help out, remember that they've already done the job of raising kids—and might not want to start over again.^{[15]
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- Set boundaries for your kids as well. Let them know about any rules your parents have and provide areas where they can do homework or play quietly and be out of the way.

Expert Q&A

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Question

Is it unhealthy to live with your parents?

Kirsten Thompson, MD
Board Certified Psychiatrist
Dr. Kirsten Thompson is a Board Certified Psychiatrist, Clinical Instructor at UCLA, and the Founder of Remedy Psychiatry. She specializes in helping patients with mental health conditions such as major depressive disorder, anxiety, ADHD, bipolar disorder, OCD, PTSD, and postpartum depression. Dr. Thompson holds a BS in Operations Research Industrial Engineering from Cornell University and an MD from The State University of New York, Downstate College of Medicine.

Kirsten Thompson, MD

Board Certified Psychiatrist

Expert Answer

Not necessarily! You can create a healthier environment by acting as an adult member of the household. You might share household responsibilities, take on projects within the home, or even cook meals for everyone else.

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Question

What are the disadvantages of living with your parents?

Kirsten Thompson, MD
Board Certified Psychiatrist
Dr. Kirsten Thompson is a Board Certified Psychiatrist, Clinical Instructor at UCLA, and the Founder of Remedy Psychiatry. She specializes in helping patients with mental health conditions such as major depressive disorder, anxiety, ADHD, bipolar disorder, OCD, PTSD, and postpartum depression. Dr. Thompson holds a BS in Operations Research Industrial Engineering from Cornell University and an MD from The State University of New York, Downstate College of Medicine.

Kirsten Thompson, MD

Board Certified Psychiatrist

Expert Answer

The longer you live with your parents, the more likely it is that you and your parents will revert to the same behaviors and practices of your childhood.

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Question

How do you deal with living with parents as an adult?

Kirsten Thompson, MD
Board Certified Psychiatrist
Dr. Kirsten Thompson is a Board Certified Psychiatrist, Clinical Instructor at UCLA, and the Founder of Remedy Psychiatry. She specializes in helping patients with mental health conditions such as major depressive disorder, anxiety, ADHD, bipolar disorder, OCD, PTSD, and postpartum depression. Dr. Thompson holds a BS in Operations Research Industrial Engineering from Cornell University and an MD from The State University of New York, Downstate College of Medicine.

Kirsten Thompson, MD

Board Certified Psychiatrist

Expert Answer

Make an effort to be more independent while you're living at home. This could involve going on walks, having a job, volunteering, studying at coffee shops, and more.

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Tips

Count your blessings. Focus on all the good things you have in life and commit to creating even more good things, both for yourself and your parents.

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Remember that your parents are part of the solution. Work on improving yourself and their lives without burdening them with your issues.

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When setting goals, include your parents in your successes. Show your appreciation to them each time you reach a goal or make significant progress toward a goal.

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Warnings

Don't overstay your welcome. If your parents seem unhappy with your presence in their home, arrange to stay with a friend or other family member for a few days to give them a break. While you're there, look for a more permanent living situation outside of your parents' home.

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