How to Be a Mistress

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: August 23, 2024

There are many reasons why you might decide to become “the other woman” in a relationship, but be sure to consider the potential consequences, both for his wife and family and also for your own emotional health. If you do begin an affair, remember to be discreet by avoiding public places where either of you might be recognized, and never post photos of your relationship on social media. Keep things fresh and fun by planning special weekends away and enjoy being together in the moment for however long you have!

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Taking Care of Your Own Needs

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1
Have clear expectations and an understanding of your role in his life. Know from the get-go that you’re not going to be his number one priority. Don’t expect him to eventually leave his wife (and if that’s something you want, you might want to reexamine your motivations for being his mistress). If you can keep things clear from the beginning, you can have an enjoyable affair for much longer and can save yourself from unneeded frustration and heartbreak.^{[1]
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- When the relationship starts up, it may be helpful to have a brief conversation about what each of you expects—let him know you don’t expect him to be your boyfriend and that your main interest is having fun.
2
Make sure you're comfortable having a secret relationship. If you want to become a mistress, you’ll need to embrace the fact that you will be a secret and that, most likely, your lover will have to be a secret from your friends and family, too. This means no cute couples photos, few outdoor activities, and keeping your personal life to yourself.
- Perhaps you prefer knowing that there’s no chance of the relationship getting serious because you simply want to have some fun. If you can adopt the right mindset at the beginning, it could save you a lot of pain and frustration in the long run.
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3
Consider the implications for his wife and children if he has any. Chances are that you’ve thought about this already, but take a moment to check in with your gut. If you’re concerned about the implications of your relationship on his wife and family, think about what that might mean later down the road. Will you feel resentful of him? Will it affect the way you view yourself? Make sure that you feel comfortable with your decision so it doesn’t affect you negatively in the future.^{[2]
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- Because every situation is different, there isn’t a hard and fast rule to tell you to stop or proceed with this relationship—it’s a decision you’ll have to make for yourself based on your particular circumstances.
4
Cultivate other meaningful relationships and hobbies. Being the mistress often means that you won’t have a go-to date for special events, and you often might spend holidays and special occasions alone. Be prepared for this inevitability and have friendships (and other romantic relationships, too, if you want) so that your life is full and fun. You’ll have a lot of downtime, which is great if you have hobbies and other things that you’re invested in.
- Being a mistress could satisfy some of your needs while still leaving you free to focus on other relationships, your career, personal improvement, or health goals.
5
Check in with yourself regularly and know when to move on. Make sure to stay in tune with your feelings, needs, and desires. If you find yourself growing bored or resentful, it might be time to end the affair. Also, if you find yourself daydreaming of becoming your lover’s new wife, you might be setting yourself up for bitter disappointment. Protect yourself emotionally as much as you can by putting your own needs first.^{[3]
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- Give yourself space to develop a romantic relationship with someone other than your lover. You may meet someone you’d like to date, and you deserve that kind of out-in-the-open relationship, too.
Tip: If you want some guidance but don’t want to talk to a friend, visit a therapist. You can use them as a sounding board for your thought processes, and you may learn something really helpful in the meantime.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Being Discreet

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1
Steer clear of places where you know his friends and family congregate. One of the key steps to not getting caught is staying out of sight. You probably know where he lives, where his wife runs errands, where his kids go to school, and other intimate details. Avoid those areas, especially if you’re meeting up with him in public.
- If you live or work close to each other and you happen to see him out in public with his family, ignore him. If you have to interact, keep things short, polite, and professional.
2
Keep your belongings out of his home, car, and other personal spaces. Lots of people having affairs get caught because the wife finds something intimate that doesn’t belong to her, like lingerie, jewelry, makeup, or other clothing items. Keep all of your stuff at your place or in your purse, and double-check that you aren’t leaving anything behind if you’re rendezvousing in a mutual location.
- Similarly, don’t send him gifts or packages to his home address or office. Wait to give him things in person so they don’t get intercepted by someone else.
3
Don’t call or text him when he’s spending time with his family. Remember, you aren’t his priority, and if you want your affair to go smoothly, you need to respect his boundaries and family time. Potentially exposing the affair by contacting him when he’s at home could make him resent you and end the affair, and at the very least, it’ll make your next couple of interactions pretty tense.
- It may be hard to do, but you’re going to need to let him control the frequency of contact in the relationship.
- Discourage him from things like getting a second phone for you to use to contact him. If his wife finds it, she’ll definitely know that something is going on.
4
Use a code name if you’re going to tell others about your relationship. Keeping quiet about your relationship is the best way to ensure it stays a secret, but if you do want to talk about it, avoid using his real name or other identifying details. As you know, friends can be pretty interested in details, so decide beforehand if you’re willing to lie and keep track of your stories, or if you’d rather just feign ignorance.^{[4]
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- Be prepared to get some serious feedback if you tell friends or family that you’re a mistress. People might not be supportive of your choices, so think carefully if you’re up to having those conversations with people you love.
5
Avoid posting about the relationship on social media. Even if you think you’re being vague and sneaky, someone is eventually bound to notice some telling detail and figure out what’s going on. It’s best to keep your love life off of the internet completely to avoid getting caught.
- This means no photos of the flowers he sent, of the trip you took together, the meal you cooked, and other related details that you might otherwise be excited to share.
Tip: If you want to keep mementos from the relationship, keep physical things, like movie tickets, menus, dried flowers, and other items in a box in your home.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Enjoying Each Other’s Company

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1
Take weekend trips out of town to enjoy being out in public together. For some quality alone time without the worry of being seen in public, go away together. You’ll enjoy going to a new destination for some special one-on-one time.
- You probably won’t be able to take these trips often, just depending on his schedule with work and his family. Aim to take a trip once every couple of months if you can manage it.
2
Keep things drama-free and do fun activities together. You may be limited in what you can actually do on a day-to-day or night-to-night basis, and your time might mainly be spent at your home or a secondary location. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a good time, though! If you’re looking for something to do that’s a little out of the ordinary, consider cooking a meal together instead of getting takeout or schedule a couples massage as a romantic gesture.^{[5]
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- Your affair might last for years, or it may be over within a few months. Commit to enjoying yourself as much as possible and focus on the present instead of worrying about what might happen in the future.
3
Don’t make comments about his relationship with his wife. Even if he complains about his home life and his spouse, avoid making negative comments or comparing yourself to her. Instead, try to refocus attention to the present moment. You could try changing the subject or saying something simple, like, “You don’t have to spend time with her right now—let’s enjoy our evening together!”^{[6]
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- It could be really tempting to put his wife down to try and make yourself look even more appealing; try to remember that he already chose you and you don’t need to give your input on his marriage.
Tip: When you find yourself tempted to complain about his wife, take a deep breath, count to 5, and ask yourself, “What will saying this accomplish?” It won’t accomplish anything! It will keep the attention focused on his marriage instead of on you.
4
Let him make the move to contact so you don’t come off as needy. The best way to dampen an affair is to get possessive and jealous. Remember, he has a separate life that he has to participate in. Your time together will be a lot more fun and enjoyable if you aren’t bombarding him with messages about how you want to spend more time together.
- The less clingy you are, the more he will want you. Maintaining a casual and nonchalant demeanor may make him chase you even harder.

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Should I stay with a man who will not end his marriage?

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It is not a good idea, as you are likely to end up getting hurt. Don't let him use you. If you want to get married eventually, you should look for someone who is willing to make that commitment with you.

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What do I do when my affair partner breaks it off?

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Accept that the relationship is over and move on to someone else.

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What can I do to stop my feelings for the married man?

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You cannot stop your feelings just like that. It's the lot of women to gather and nurture and get hurt. That said, distance is often a slow-acting cure: stop speaking with him, texting him, interacting with him if you can. Create as much distance as possible and then fill your time with other people and activities you find engaging. Permit yourself time once a day to briefly miss him and grieve this loss, but keep those indulgences brief. You're choosing to do the right thing by moving on: your feelings will eventually catch up.

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Tips

If his wife confronts you about the affair, it’s probably best to come clean and end the relationship. Now that she knows, she’ll be watching him much more closely and it will be nearly impossible to continue meeting him.

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Tips from our Readers

The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.

Avoid his wife and family at all costs. Seeing them could blow your cover and really make a mess. It's better to focus on enjoying private time together.
Consider how this impacts everyone. An affair touches more people than just you two. Check in a lot about expectations so no one gets blindsided later.
This likely won't get serious. He has a whole separate life you aren't part of. Enjoy the moments while being realistic — it saves frustration.
You deserve to be fulfilled. If this stops working for you or causes you pain, don't stay out of obligation. Your happiness has to come first.
Build trust through honesty. Open communication is hard but often connects people more. Find an understanding that works for both of you.
Use protection to prevent pregnancy or STDs. A surprise baby or disease would create a ton of drama.

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