How to Become a Decent Person

Co-authored by Kirsten Parker, MFA

Last Updated: May 22, 2024 References

Throughout our lives, we are constantly interacting with the people around us. Being a decent person will help you form healthy relationships while maintaining a positive self-image. You'll be a better person if you can learn to forgive, abandon anger, and genuinely care about other people.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Treating Others With Respect

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1
Be dependable. Part of being decent if giving others a reason to trust you. Part of building trust involves being a dependable person. Work on following through on promises and obligations.^{[1]
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- Keep up with your promises. If you promise to be somewhere at a certain time, be there. If you say you'll do a favor, do it. While it's okay to slip up every once in awhile, as everyone does, you want to be as consistently reliable as possible.
- Decent people follow through because they want others to feel safe and secure. People need reliable friends and family members to have a sense of security in their lives.
2
Avoid judgement. Decent people withhold judging others too harshly. Remember, you cannot fully understand what it's like to be inside someone else's head.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Kirsten Parker, MFA
Mindset & Action Coach

Expert Interview. 22 July 2020.} Therefore, avoid trying to pass judgement on a behavior or a decision.^{[3]
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- Try to be accepting of other people's decisions. Even if you would not act the same way, withhold passing judgement. It's okay to put yourself in someone else's shoes and try to understand their decision, but do so without the intent to judge.
- Everyone is different. Therefore, it should not be surprising if another person's choice differs from your own. In the event you find someone who's lifestyle is confusing to you, see this as an opportunity to embrace difference rather than pass judgment.
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3
Provide support during bad times. Think about times in your life that were hard. You probably had friends, family members, and other loved ones helping you along the way. If you want to be a decent person, you should strive to provide support in return. When people go through difficult times, put yourself out there and help.^{[4]
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- It can be difficult to know what to do to help in certain situations, but keep in mind just listening and showing you care is often enough. You can phone a friend going through something stressful and just let them talk.
- If there is something tangible you can do, do so. For example, in the aftermath of a family death, you could offer to do small chores like dishes and other errands for a grieving friend.
- In addition to showing support during bad times, show support during good times as well. It's important to feel genuinely happy for people's successes rather than fostering feelings of jealousy.
4
Listen. It's very important that you listen to others if you want to be a decent person. In addition to making another person feel valued, you learn through listening.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Kirsten Parker, MFA
Mindset & Action Coach

Expert Interview. 22 July 2020.} If you listen to those around you, you will become more open-minded by learning about the experience, opinions, and feelings of others.
- You should always listen to others as much as you talk. In addition to listening, make sure you understand. Ask follow up questions about an opinion or thought that intrigues you. If you're confused, ask for clarification.
5
Don't keep score in relationships. Relationships are not about maintaining a perfect balance 100% of the time. There is a give and take that changes across time. Avoid score-keeping in your personal relationships, as this can create feelings of hostility and resentment.^{[6]
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- Don't worry about petty things, like who initiated the last hang out or bought the more expensive birthday present. In the long run, things should all balance out.
- Remember, you will never be completely evenly balanced with another person. That's okay. You may be better at returning phone calls, while your friend may thrive at planning get-togethers. If you have a healthy relationship with another person, score keeping is not important.
6
Be honest when necessary. Being a decent person means being honest, even when it's difficult. You should be comfortable sharing your beliefs and opinions with others, even if you sometimes put yourself in opposition to the group.^{[7]
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- There is a difference between expressing a contrary opinion and being judgmental. It's okay if you, say, disagree with a friend's opinion or even a decision they make. As long as you've considered the other side, it's okay to disagree. Just remember you're disagreeing with an opinion or action and not judging your friend as a person.
- Sometimes, you may have to be honest if you're worried about a friend's well being. In these cases, try to be objective in your take on the situation. How would you see this friend's behavior if you weren't emotionally invested in the situation?

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Letting Go of Negativity

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1
See humor in situations. Part of being decent is fostering a sense of positivity. It's hard to be good to others and pleasant to be around if you harbor a lot of negative thoughts. Work on seeing humor in negative situations. This will build your resiliency and make you easier to be around and to rely on for support.^{[8]
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- If you have a setback, try to laugh it off. You can, for example, crack a self-depreciating joke if you don't get a promotion at work. If you run late to a meeting due to a late train, laugh about your typical bad luck.
- If you're unable to laugh at yourself, you may build up negativity over time. This can lead to you becoming hostile and resentful, making it more difficult to be decent and kind to others.
2
Practice forgiveness. You do not want to hold on to past hurt and resentment if you want to be a decent person. Work on practicing forgiveness in your daily life so you can be better and kinder to others.^{[9]
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- Always look at the bigger picture. The second you feel anger building, stop and think, "Will I still be mad about this in a month? A year?" You'll find many small indiscretions will fade with time.
- Try to have empathy for the other person. Maybe someone, for example, had a bad day and took it out on you. You've probably done the same thing yourself in the past. Maybe, therefore, it would be better not to judge.
- You always have a choice as to whether or not you accept someone's apology. Try to usually accept. It may take time to get your relationship back where it was. You may, for example, not want to go out with a friend for a bit after they hurt you. However, accepting the apology is an acknowledgment you want to work on repairing the relationship.
3
Let go of anger. Anger can be detrimental to your emotional well-being. If you live with a lot of anger, you're more likely to be hostile to others. Becoming a decent person often means letting go of some anger and resentment.^{[10]
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- If you find yourself becoming angry, take physical means to calm down. Take deep, steady breaths. Tense and release one muscle at a time. This will release some tension, lessening some of your anger.
- Avoid taking things personally. Even if someone personally upset or offended you, remember there's a good chance it was unintentional. If someone, for example, cuts you off during a work meeting, assume they probably did not realize you weren't finished talking. Don't take it as a slight.
- If you do encounter someone who's overtly hostile and mean, resist the urge to get angry at that person. Instead, focus on yourself. Think something like, "I am so lucky I'm decent and good to others. I would not want to act like that."
4
Encourage others. You will feel better about yourself and the world if you're kind to those around you. This can make it easier to be a decent person, as you'll feel happier and more fulfilled. You won't have as much brain space focused on negative thoughts.^{[11]
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- Try to compliment people as much as you can. Congratulate a co-worker on her successful presentation. Let your older brother know how much you appreciate his sense of humor.
- People love being around those who are genuinely positive and kind. To be a decent person, you want to bring people up rater than down. In addition to making others feel good, you will feel better as well. Positivity is infectious, and the kind words you say to others will influence your own inner monologue.
5
Work on your own self-esteem. It can be difficult to be kind to others if you feel bad about yourself. You need to make your own self-esteem a priority if you want to be a decent person. Take time working on your own self-image to make sure you feel good about yourself.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Kirsten Parker, MFA
Mindset & Action Coach

Expert Interview. 22 July 2020.}^{[13]
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Trustworthy Source

Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

Go to source}
- Strive for realistic self-esteem. You should be able to accept you have flaws, and admit to them, but also embrace your good qualities. Like everyone, you're a mix of good and bad qualities. Being comfortable with this is key to solid self esteem.
- If you struggle with your self-esteem, you may want to talk to a therapist. A qualified therapist can help you work out any underlying mental health issues potentially affecting your self-esteem.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Fostering Empathy

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1
Pay attention to the needs and emotions of others. Being empathetic requires attention to the world around you. If you want to foster a greater sense of empathy, focus on the needs and emotions of others in the larger world. This will teach you to make thinking about other people a priority.^{[14]
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- Empathy requires more than just base knowledge. You also have to analyze and consider that knowledge to help you get a more accurate sense of someone else's experiences. When you hear news about another person, work to interpret that news.
- For example, you hear a friend lost his brother to an undetected heart condition. Naturally, your friend will feel sad but push deeper. This loss was completely unexpected. Your friend likely feels shocked, cheated, and angry.
- What does your friend need from you? Your friend may need someone to vent to, but you can expect your friend may be angry. They experienced a senseless loss. In addition to normal crying, your friend may need to express their anger and resentment.
2
Look at shared human values. Part of empathizing is finding a way to relate to others. In your day-to-day life, be on the lookout for the values we all share. This will help you feel connected with everyone around you.^{[15]
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- If you've never experience someone's exact situation, stop and think if you've experienced something similar. For example, a friend loses a parent. Both your parents are still alive, but you lost your grandfather. While it is not the same as losing a parent, you still have a sense of loss. This can help you connect with a grieving friend.
- Always be looking for these kinds of shared values. Think about the emotions behind a situation. A friend finds out her husband has been unfaithful, for example. The base emotions here are likely loss, heartbreak, and betrayal. You have probably experienced all of these feelings, even if you have not experienced that exact situation.
3
Suspend judgment and critiques. If you are judging or critiquing the behavior of others, this blocks your ability to empathize.^{[16]
X
Expert Source

Kirsten Parker, MFA
Mindset & Action Coach

Expert Interview. 22 July 2020.} You do not need to agree with everyone's behavior, opinions, and actions. However, try to keep your initial reactions empathetic. Do not judge as an initial response to a situation.^{[17]
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- Remember, people often do not want solutions or critiques right away. If someone comes to you with a problem, do not respond by explaining how the person can fix the problem. Initially, just try to empathize with what the other person is experiencing.
- With time, someone may want honest judgement or critique. However, initially, a friend or family may just want an empathetic ear. Therefore, it's often best to withhold initial judgement.
4
Strive for genuine connections with others. When interacting with someone, try to imagine what they're going through. Think about what the other person is feeling or thinking. This will make your interactions far more genuine.^{[18]
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- Remember, you don't have to agree with someone 100% of the time. However, try to go into each conversation with the primary goal of understanding. You may, for example, think your friend should be over their ex by now. Focus on why they're not when you talk.
- Always force yourself to imagine when you talk with others. Why is this person feeling this way? How would I feel if I were in their shoes? If you're having trouble understanding someone, ask open-ended questions like, "What do you mean by that?" and "Can you explain more?"
5
Reflect. Empathy requires a lot of reflection. After gathering information about a person or a situation, work hard to digest that information.^{[19]
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- Process any information you are given. If you know a lot about a friend's personal history, for example, use this information to try to understand their actions.
- For example, your friend Jess is very nervous about her boyfriend having tea with an ex-girlfriend. While the reaction seems over-the-top, pause and reflect. Maybe Jess has been cheated on many times in the past. This would explain her insecurity.

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Take care of yourself to stave off crashes and excess stress that might make you irritable.

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Remember to always follow the Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

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