What Does the Slang Term "Benching" Mean in Dating?

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Everything you need to know about Gen Z’s newest dating trend

Co-authored by Amber Crain Reviewed by John Keegan

Last Updated: December 25, 2024 Fact Checked

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What is benching?

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Signs of Benching

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What to Do If You're Benched

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What Benching Feels Like

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Why People Bench

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Benching vs Ghosting

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Similar Relationship Slang

Wondering what “benching” means after seeing the word floating around social media? With new terms popping up seemingly every day, the dating world can feel more complex than ever–but we can help! In this article, we’ll break down the full meaning of the slang term for you, discuss common signs of benching, and explain what to do if it's happening to you.

What does “benching” mean in dating?

“Benching” is when someone keeps a potential partner on the sidelines as a backup option. They like the person enough to keep talking and texting with them, but they aren’t their first choice. They give the “benched” person just enough attention to keep their hopes up, never intending to make a serious connection.

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What is benching in relationships?

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Benching means keeping someone on the sidelines as a potential partner. In the dating world, “benching” is similar to stringing someone along–a person might like them enough to keep texting and DMing, but they're not the person's first choice for a serious partner. The person being benched is given just enough time and attention to keep their hopes up, but they’re essentially a “backup” in case other dating options don’t work out.^{[1]
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- ”Benching” in dating is a reference to “benching” in sports, which is when a player is not in the starting lineup and sits on the bench for most (or all) of the game. The player is on the sidelines watching, but isn’t allowed to participate–unless another player is injured or removed from the game.^{[2]
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- In relationships, “benching” someone is considered cruel because it keeps the person in a prolonged state of uncertainty. They can’t move on because they’re holding out hope for a relationship, but in reality, they’re wasting their time–the other person doesn’t consider them a serious option.
- Benching is similar to both breadcrumbing and cushioning.

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Signs of Being “Benched” in a Relationship

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Sudden decrease in contact One of the earliest signs of being benched is when the other person suddenly stops texting and calling as much. They typically won’t provide any explanation, or they’ll make vague or half-hearted excuses about their schedule being “packed” or work being “crazy.” Any conversations you do manage to have with them feel extremely one-sided.^{[3]
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- Keep in mind there are lots of valid reasons why someone might not be texting you back. Being super busy isn’t always an excuse–sometimes people really are going through it or dealing with a lot in their lives.
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Sporadic communication As if the sudden decrease in contact isn’t jarring enough, someone who is “benching” you will often disappear for a while and then restart a text convo out of the blue–days, weeks, or even months later. They give you just enough attention to get your hopes up about making a real romantic connection, and then disappear yet again.^{[4]
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- Pay attention to when they show back up–it’s not always random. For example, if you make it clear that you’re moving on or start going on dates with other people, this might trigger them to reach out. They don’t want to lose their backup option, so they’ll say or do just enough to get you interested again.
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Noncommittal or vague plans During one of their sporadic communication phases, they’ll probably make loose plans with you (“We should get coffee soon”) or agree to hang out (“Let’s get together this weekend”) without ever really nailing down the details. Then, when you try to solidify a date or meet up with them IRL, they’ll flake out. This can be really hurtful and confusing, especially if it keeps happening repeatedly.^{[5]
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Lack of relationship progress No matter what you do, the relationship feels stalled–you’re treading water and nothing ever moves forward with them. Even when you do hear from them or see them, they always seem to disappear again, usually right after you start getting your hopes up. They may even claim they “just want to be friends,” but they’ll still flirt with you or say things that indicate a relationship might still be possible.^{[6]
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What to Do If You’re Being Benched

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Tell them that you're feeling sidelined and see what they say. If the person is truly interested in having a romantic relationship with you, they won't be afraid to address your concerns. It can be a little scary to communicate openly about your feelings, especially if you're worried you won't like their answer, but it's the fastest way to get clarity on the situation. It's totally normal to feel vulnerable and it's okay to be nervous.
- When you're ready, you might say, "Hey, I'm feeling a little neglected and confused right now. It would really help me a lot to know how you feel about me and if you're looking for a serious relationship."
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Be straightforward and upfront about what you want and need. If you haven’t told them that you’re looking for a serious commitment, they may think carrying on a casual relationship with you is totally fine. It’s best to be honest about what you want so the other person knows what's going on.
- You could say, "I'm looking for a serious connection so that I can hopefully get into a long-term relationship with someone special. It's totally fine if you don't want a serious relationship with me, but I need to know."
- If they know you’re looking for a commitment and continue to “bench” you, that’s pretty unfair and toxic behavior.
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Limit the amount of chances you give them. There’s nothing wrong with giving someone a second chance (or even a third chance), but beyond that, you have to ask yourself–is this an unhealthy pattern that I want to continue? If you feel like you’re being benched, set a boundary and stick to it. You deserve someone who will be real with you!
- For example, let's say they've flaked on a date with you twice in a row. Promise yourself you’ll only give them one more chance. After that, it’s probably best to move on.

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What Benching Feels Like

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You might feel confused and unsure. Being benched means you're left in relationship limbo, always unsure about where you stand and never getting any clarity on the situation. As soon as things start to feel like they're ramping up, the person disappears and leaves you more confused than before. It can be a really painful and disorienting position to find yourself in.^{[7]
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You might feel down and question your self-worth. Being sidelined by someone you're interested in can seriously impact your self-esteem. You might wonder why you're not "good enough" to be their first choice, and what these other people have that you don't. The truth is, your value is not dependent on this person wanting you.
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You might wonder if this is somehow your fault. Being benched is not your fault at all–you are not responsible for someone else's actions or behavior. That said, it's human nature to look for someone to blame in negative situations. You're already feeling confused and unsure, so of course the easiest person to blame is yourself.

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Why People Bench Potential Partners

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Dating apps can make people feel like they’re “shopping” for partners. Because dating apps provide users with seemingly endless choices for potential dates, the act of swiping left or right on human beings can easily start feeling like you’re shopping for a new coat on Amazon. It’s not surprising, then, that this illusion of choice makes some people feel like potential dates are clothing items that can be tried on, worn for a while, returned and/or discarded.^{[8]
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- Choice paralysis from having so many options could also be behind the "benching" phenomenon. Most people are on multiple dating apps and actively communicating across all of them can be pretty overwhelming.
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Shallow and low-effort communication is commonplace. Social media and apps have made it easy to stay in touch and communicate frequently. This is awesome in some ways, but it also means that surface-level communication is the new normal. We all have people who we communicate with exclusively through silly videos, memes, and cat pics–and there’s nothing wrong with that! But having access to everyone all the time makes it easy to "collect" potential love interests and acquaintances that aren’t super meaningful in IRL.^{[9]
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Benching another person can boost someone's confidence. For a person with low self-esteem, knowing they have an admirer (or several admirers) waiting in the wings can be a big ego boost. People also tend to fear loneliness, so keeping potential partners on the back burner helps them feel like they’ll never truly find themselves alone.^{[10]
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- It’s even possible that they're doing this unconsciously, but the end result is the same.
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They have unrealistic expectations about dating or relationships. Dating apps can make a person feel like they have endless choices at their disposal. This allows them to feel safe and secure about being extremely picky. Even the smallest inconvenience or disagreement could make them "bench" you because they think there's someone else out there who's "perfect" for them...but they'll keep you around as a backup just to be safe.^{[11]
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Benching vs Ghosting

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Ghosting someone means disappearing completely with no explanation. Ghosting can really hurt because that person never gets closure or understands what went wrong. That said, they eventually come to terms with being ghosted and move on. People who are being benched are constantly having their wounds reopened when the other person shows back up in their lives. They're offered a glimmer of hope and it can be really hard not to seize that once it's been offered.^{[12]
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- Some people say benching is even worse than ghosting because at least ghosting is over quickly–benching goes on and on until you put a stop to it.

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Similar Dating & Relationship Slang Terms

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Breadcrumbing This is very similar to benching–some would say the concepts are interchangeable. Breadcrumbing is when someone gives you just enough attention to get your hopes up, but not enough to connect on any real level. They might text you every few weeks, or like your stories on Instagram, but they just want your attention and nothing more. They don’t intend to start anything real with you.^{[13]
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- ”Breadcrumbing” is a reference to the old fairytale about Hansel and Gretel. In the story, Hansel and Gretel leave a trail of breadcrumbs to mark their path through the woods so they’ll be able to follow it back home.
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Cushioning A "cushioning relationship" is when one partner fosters a potential romantic connection outside of their committed relationship so they’ll have a “backup” in the event their current relationship ends. This person will flirt or keep in touch with their “backup” in secret, usually through texting and DMs, which is a form of emotional cheating and unfair to everyone involved.^{[14]
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Situationship Situationships are casual romantic relationships without any commitments or strings attached. Typically, one partner in the situationship is happy with this non-committal arrangement while the other hopes it will eventually develop into something more serious. The partner that’s satisfied with the arrangement has no intention of ever taking things to the next level.^{[15]
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- Worried you might be in a situationship? Take our quiz to help you figure it out.