What to Say & Do to Comfort Someone Who’s Crying

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Useful phrases and actions to help someone feel supported

Co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW and Aly Rusciano

Last Updated: December 2, 2024 Fact Checked

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• What to Do
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• What to Say
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• Comforting Texts
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• Over the Phone
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• How to Tell If Someone Needs Comfort or Advice
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• Video
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• Tips

|Show more |Show less

Finding a friend, coworker, loved one, or stranger crying can be upsetting. You want to help them, but what can you do? What can you say? The most important thing you can do is show that you care and support them. In this article, we’ll teach you what to do when someone is crying and how you can comfort them in person or over the phone.

How to Comfort Someone Who’s Crying or Upset

1. Be there for them by staying with them.
2. Offer them a tissue.
3. Give them a shoulder to cry on.
4. Ask them what you can do to help at the moment.
5. Give them a hug if they say it’s okay.

Steps

Section 1 of 5:

What to Do When Someone Is Crying

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1. 1
   Be there for them. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for someone crying is to be a shoulder they can cry on. The most important part about comforting them is just being there. Your physical presence and time is often most appreciated in difficult times.

   • Stay with the person and let them know you’re there for them and supporting them. You don’t necessarily have to talk; your presence can be enough.
2. 2
   Ask them if they’d like to go somewhere private. Making someone who’s crying feel safe is a number one priority. If they’re crying in public, they may feel more anxious or stressed, so offer to take them somewhere quiet, a safe place. Go to a bathroom, car, empty room, or even closet. Being somewhere private can help them feel safe and work through their emotions.

   • Try saying something like, “Would you like to go somewhere more private?” or “Is there somewhere I can take you?”
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3. 3
   Offer a tissue. If you have a tissue or know where to get one, offer to grab one for them. Crying leads to wet faces and wet noses, and offering a tissue is a sign that you want to help. If there are no tissues nearby, offer to get one for them.

   • You can say, “Would you like me to get you a tissue?”
   • Sometimes, giving a tissue may be perceived as a sign you want them to stop crying. Be careful how your actions may be perceived, especially when the person is upset or dealing with death or a breakup.
4. 4
   Let them cry. It isn’t very helpful to tell someone to stop crying, so let them cry. Crying lets out pent-up emotions and can actually help someone feel better. So, offer them a shoulder to cry on or sit silently beside them while they let it all out.

   • Avoid saying things like, “Don’t cry” or “This is such a small thing. Why are you crying?” These types of phrases can make them feel small or embarrassed.
   • You might feel awkward or uncomfortable around someone who’s crying—that’s okay. Remember that your role is to offer support in a way that’s helpful to them, and the focus is ultimately not on you.
5. 5
   Ask what they need. Make sure you always put their needs first. They might want you to stay and listen or may need some space and alone time. Don’t assume you know what they want—ask! Asking what they need puts the other person in control and gives you the opportunity to listen and respond.

   • Ask, “What can I do to help?” or “How can I support you?”
   • If they ask you to leave, leave. Refrain from saying things like, “But you need me to help you!” Instead, say, “Okay, but if you need something, call or text me.”
   • Reader Poll: We asked 706 wikiHow readers and 58% agreed that the best way to support someone who’s struggling is to show empathy and be a supportive listener. [Take Poll]
6. 6
   Give them time. Sometimes, people need time to sort through their emotions. Try not to rush them. Instead, be there for them as long as you can. This is a great way to show support and let them know you care.

   • If you can’t stay long, that’s okay. Do what you can in the moment to offer support and comfort them.
   • Try asking them if there’s someone you can contact for them. Maybe another friend or relative can help.
7. 7
   Give them a hug if wanted. If you’re comforting a friend or loved one and know they like hugs, offer them one. If you’re comforting a stranger and you’re comfortable with it, ask them if they need a hug. Sometimes, physical touch can be even more comforting than words.

   • Always respect other people’s boundaries. If someone doesn’t want a hug, that’s okay! They’re not rejecting you; they may just not be a touchy-feely person.
8. 8
   Avoid pressuring them to talk. For some, talking about what they’re feeling can be cathartic; for others, it can be more harmful. Respect the wishes of the person you’re comforting. If they don’t seem willing to open up, don’t force it. If they want to talk it out, let them. This act alone is an excellent way to silently say, “I’m here to support you.”

   • You could just say, “Talking about what happened might make you feel better. If you want to talk, I'm here. If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay too.”
   • If you ask them what’s wrong and they don’t respond, don’t keep asking.
9. 9
   Listen closely. Turn up your listening skills and be willing to give your full attention to them. Accept whatever they say and focus on actively listening. Give them your full attention by making eye contact, nodding when appropriate, and not looking at your phone or other devices.

   • Similarly, avoid giving them unsolicited advice, putting yourself in their situation, and being judgemental. Instead, offer support and don’t shift their situation onto yourself.
10. 10
    Keep your focus on them. Avoid talking about yourself when you’re comforting someone who’s crying. Rather than saying, “I just went through something similar,” try, “That must be hard.” Show compassion and empathy, as placing yourself in their situation right away could come across as being dismissive of their feelings.

    • You might really want to relate to them or talk about something in your life, but resist the urge to do so unless they ask. Your role is to help and support them, not offer advice.
11. 11
    Skip the advice unless asked. If the person is crying and upset about a situation, don’t try to immediately solve the problem for them. Instead, focus on listening and supporting them in the moment. Only offer advice if they ask you for it, and even then, tread lightly (especially if you don’t know the person or situation well).

    • Set aside responses for the time being, and instead, ask open-ended follow-up questions to avoid shifting the conversation to you. For instance, you might say, “Tell me about your partner,” or “How did that make you feel?”
12. 12
    Validate their feelings. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is validate someone’s feelings and let them know they’re not crazy. Avoid dismissing or minimizing what they’re feeling right now. Instead, use affirming language that supports their current thoughts and emotions. Allow them to be vulnerable without being judgmental.

    • You might say something like, “That makes sense,” “I understand why you feel that way,” or “Your feelings are valid.”
13. 13
    Encourage them to see a therapist if they need more support. An outward perspective is sometimes needed to help someone cope with and understand their emotions. If you know this person well, try offering to help them meet up with a therapist or counselor. Be gentle in your recommendation, but let them know it might be a good idea.

    • For example, try saying, “It sounds like what you’re going through is really difficult. Have you thought about talking to a therapist?”
    • Let them know there’s no shame in needing extra help. Talking to a professional is a powerful decision and can help them become stronger.
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Section 2 of 5:

What to Say When Someone Is Crying

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1. Use open-ended and supportive language to comfort someone. When someone’s crying, it can be overwhelming to know what to say, which is why we’re here to help! Take a look at the list of sayings below that can help comfort someone who’s feeling emotional. These phrases and statements show support, validate their feelings, and help let them know that you’re there for them no matter what.

   • “Do you want to talk about it?” Asking if they want to vent or talk about what happened speaks volumes. It lets them know that you’re there for them.
   • “That makes sense.” Show that you’re actively listening with this short phrase. It’s simple but strong enough to let them know you care.
   • “I’m here for you. What do you need?” Get straight to the point and let them know you’re on their side no matter what. Also, asking about what they want and need can help them feel supported.
   • “I’m here to listen.” Let them know that you don’t have to say a word. You’re there for them first and foremost.
   • “It’s okay to be sad.” Validate their emotions with this simple yet effective phrase. Let them know that it’s okay to feel whatever they’re feeling.
   • “It sounds like you’re…” Reiterate what they’ve said to you to show that you’ve been listening. This is a great way to show you’re engaged and paying attention.
   • “What can I do to help?” If you’re not sure what to do, ask. Maybe they need space or a hug. Either way, the only way to find out is to ask this gentle question rather than making assumptions.
   • “You can face this. I’ll be by your side the whole way.” Build their confidence with this powerful statement. This is a great way to lift their spirits and let them know they’re not alone.
   • “I know you’re having a hard time with this.” Share that you’re aware of their circumstances. This can help them feel supported and comforted, knowing that someone knows their current situation.
   • “I’m sorry you’re hurting so much.” A sincere apology can make them feel supported even amongst the pain. It helps validate their emotions, as someone else also recognizes the pain.

Section 3 of 5:

How to Comfort Someone Through Text

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1. If you know someone’s having a hard time, send them a supportive text. While you may not know if they’re crying IRL, you can let them know you’re there for them whenever they need a shoulder to cry on. Here are some tips on how to text someone who needs comforting or is going through a rough time:

   • Send a “I’m thinking of you” text.
   • Let them know it’s okay if they don’t respond.
   • Send a silly or sweet meme to make them smile.
   • Snap a picture of something that made you think of them.
   • Ask if there’s anything you can do to help out (chores, errands, etc.)
   • Play a texting game to keep their mind off things.
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Section 4 of 5:

How to Comfort Someone Over the Phone

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1. Comfort a loved one on the phone with gentle words and care. If you’re on the phone with a loved one who’s breaking down, it can be a bit overwhelming, especially because you’re not there in person to comfort them. But take a deep breath because there are ways you can help and show your support, even if you’re miles away:

   • Ask, “Are you okay?” or “What’s going on?” if you notice a change in their voice.
   • Listen to them wholeheartedly.
   • Remind them to breathe—try doing breathing exercises with them.
   • Ask them what you can do to help, and do your best to make that happen.
   EXPERT TIP

   

   Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

   Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor

   Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.

   

   Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
   Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor

   Pick up the phone to ensure friends and family are doing well from afar. You can even do workshops, classes, and self-care activities all from the comfort of your own home. Technology has made it even easier for us to communicate with one another despite distance.

Section 5 of 5:

How to Tell If Someone Needs Comfort or Advice

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1. Pay attention to how someone’s behaving to know if they need help. Sometimes, it can be hard to read what people need in the moment. While it’s always important to ask someone what’s best for them, here are some tell-tale signs that someone may be looking for comfort or advice: they’re crying or they say they’re feeling sad or hurt. But how do you know what type of comfort they truly need? Check out these common scenarios and helpful comforting strategies below:

   • If they appear confused, shocked, or hurt, ask them if they’d like to talk about it, offer a listening ear, show validation for what they’re feeling, and reflect that you understand what they’re expressing.
   • If they say they want to feel better but don’t know how, try doing a fun activity together, helping them explore other options, brainstorming or problem-solving solutions, or offering a positive word.
   • If they say they’re sad but aren’t ready to feel better, ask them if they’d like a hug, validate their feelings, offer a listening ear, and avoid making judgments or giving advice.
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Tips

• Know that it’s okay to protect your peace. If you’re having a hard time coping with someone else’s emotions, take a step back. Your emotional health is important too.
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