How to Deal with a Jealous Sister-in-Law or Mother-in-Law

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Eric McClure

Last Updated: November 3, 2021 References

Jealousy between in-laws is all too common. One reader writes: “My husband’s brother is such a nice guy, but I just can’t get his wife to like me. I want everyone to get along, but she refuses to give me a fair chance. She's pretty nice to my husband and the rest of his family, but she keeps rejecting my attempts to bond with her, and now she's accusing me of ‘stealing her spotlight.’ It seems like she's always competing with me or trying to make me feel stupid and unwelcome. What should I do?” These family dramas can get complicated, but we're here for you! We share some of the most effective ways to deal with jealous family members below.

Question 1 of 6:

How do you know if your sister in law is jealous?

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She may be rude to you directly, but play nice in front of others. She also may appear happy or unbothered if you run into any problems or obstacles.^{[1]
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Research source} She could get really judgmental, or try to make you look bad in front of other family members. People respond to jealousy in a variety of different ways, so it’s hard to know if she’s jealous or if there’s something else going on.^{[2]
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- If you haven’t talked to your sister in law, that may be a good first step. It’s possible she isn’t even jealous, or she has no idea that she’s being rude to you.

Question 2 of 6:

How do you deal with a jealous sister in law?

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Your best option may be to kill her with kindness.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist

Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.} If everyone sees you being really nice to your sister in law while she’s being snooty and rude, they may eventually correct her. She’s also more likely to just let it go if she can’t get a response out of you.^{[4]
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Research source} Your other option is to enlist the help of your partner. If their sister is acting like a jerk, they should be willing to stand up for you and correct their sibling.^{[5]
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- Don’t let your sister in law cross any serious lines. If she violates a boundary or says something demeaning about you in front of others, stand up for yourself.^{[6]
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Question 3 of 6:

How do I deal with my brother in law’s difficult wife?

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This probably has more to do with them than you, so try not to worry about it. Your brother in law’s wife is far enough removed from your relationship with your partner that they shouldn’t have that much energy invested in you unless they’ve got some personal issues they’re dealing with.^{[7]
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Research source} Either make an effort to get to know her better so the two of you can start getting along, or leave her alone and let her get over her issues on her own time.
- Try to be a little self-reflective about how you’ve behaved as well. If you’re putting out cold vibes, or you’re being a little hypercritical of your brother in law’s wife, they may simply be playing off of your energy.^{[8]
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Question 4 of 6:

How do you handle your sibling’s jealous wife?

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Talk to your sibling about this, since they’re in the middle here. Your sibling cares about you and their wife, so it’s in their best interest to help put this problem to rest. Don’t force them to pick a side or anything, but see if they can help you get to the root of the issue.^{[9]
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Research source} If their wife is seriously crossing a line at family gatherings or they’re violating important boundaries, stand up to them. A zero-tolerance policy towards abuse from your sibling’s wife should put an end to any jealous outbursts.^{[10]
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- Realistically, a lot of this going to fall on your sibling. They should be standing up for you if their wife is acting out, and they should be correcting you if you’re being unfair.

Question 5 of 6:

Why is my mother in law jealous?

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Think about things from her point of view. She dedicated her life to raising a child and then you just come in out of nowhere and sweep them away from her! Yes, it’s a ridiculous thought, but that could be how it feels to her. It’s also possible that your mother in law sees how happy you and her child are, and now she’s feeling insecure about the way her relationships worked out. She may also be scared she isn’t going to see her child nearly as often as she used to.^{[11]
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- It could also be that your mother in law feels like they’re losing their child to someone they don’t know. If this is the case, she may relax over time as she gets to know you better.
- Try to be kind of empathetic with your mother in law. Your partner’s relationship with their mother is likely important to them, and if you don’t get along with her, it may put some strain on your partner.

Question 6 of 6:

How do you deal with a jealous mother in law?

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Tread carefully and try to not stoop to her level. Some of this may get better over time as your mother in law warms up to you, but if it doesn’t, fighting with your partner’s mother may not put you on a road to success.^{[12]
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Research source} You also can’t ignore your in laws, so this is where your ability to stay in control of your emotions is essential. Feel free to take breaks at family gatherings and just step outside for some fresh air, or hang out with a niece or uncle instead of your mother in law during holiday visits.^{[13]
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- Your partner’s relationship with their mother should partially guide how you deal with this. If they love their mother, you’re better off playing it cool and not engaging. If they aren’t the biggest fan of their mother, you may have more wiggle room when it comes to standing up to her.
- If your mother in law does cross a boundary, stand up for yourself. Just keep it as respectful as possible. If she openly puts you down for something, say, “I do not appreciate you talking to me like that.” Don’t engage or argue—just stop the conversation right there and move on.^{[14]
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- Because he is your mother in law, and she presumably going to be part of your life, it's really important that you try and mend the relationship the best you can.^{[15]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  
  Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.}

Community Q&A

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What if my brother in-law's wife has turned my other brother in-laws' wives against me, too?

Community Answer

If they are trying to push your buttons with indirect remarks, try to walk away with your head up. If they're coming directly at you, ask them to change the conversation. If they continue, let them know the door of your house is wide open and leave.

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How can I build a better relationship with my brother-in-law's wife?

Community Answer

Bonding time is one of the best things to do. Show her your interests, ask about hers, and get to know each other more.

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After many years of taking care of my husbands parents, they are now living with his brother and wife. How do I stop my brother-in-law and his wife from taking all the credit?

Community Answer

Just let it be. Your in-laws can decide who they want to live with, even if they get all the credit, don't act jealous. Just subtly try to bond with your in-laws.

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Tips

Unless the problem is really out of hand, talking privately with the jealous person is always a safe, productive first step. Just ask them what’s going on and try to be vulnerable and honest with them. It’s possible they’re just going through something personal or you’ve accidentally done something to upset them.

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