How to Deal With a Married Boyfriend

Reviewed by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: July 12, 2024 Approved

Entering into a relationship with a married man might seem appealing to some women; however, it can also become a very difficult and painful experience. There are many reasons why a woman might be attracted to a married man and learning these reasons as well as the difficulties of such a relationship can help you decide what to do.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Learning The Risks

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Be aware that he likely won't leave his wife. Although your boyfriend may claim he is willing to or about to leave his wife, most married men are not actually ready or planning to do so. During your time with your boyfriend, you should understand that the chances of him leaving his wife to be with you exclusively are small.
- If he is finalizing his divorce, then he may actually be serious about leaving his wife.
- Most men will not leave their wife to be with their girlfriend.
- Things aren't usually black or white in life, especially with divorce and extramarital relationships. Interpersonal relationships are full of nuanced situations.
If your boyfriend has children with his wife, you should understand that he will always have a connection to his children and possibly with his wife. Even if your boyfriend leaves his wife, his children will still be part of his life and he may be required to share visitation rights with her. Be prepared for this if you continue to pursue your relationship with him.

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Dating a married man is almost always a difficult relationship and is one that is likely to emotionally hurt those involved. You should be fully aware of this if you plan to continue your relationship with your married boyfriend.

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Understanding Why Women Want To Date A Married Man

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Examine your relationship for any thrill seeking behavior. The hidden nature of your relationship may be what keeps one or both of you interested. Sneaking around, keeping secrets and hiding the relationship can all be exhilarating and boost the attachment between the two of you.
- Understand that if you are interested in your boyfriend because of the thrill, an exclusive relationship with him will likely lose its appeal.^{[1]
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  Research source} Speaking with a counselor or therapist can help you understand why this relationship seems interesting to you, even though it cannot work as is.
Some women are highly competitive and this competitive nature can express itself in relationships as well. Women who desire a married man may do so because they feel that they are a superior woman to the man's wife. This can cause them to pursue the husband in order to prove to themselves and others that they are the “winner”.^{[2]
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Some women may have difficulty trusting a man. The appeal of seeing a married man is found in the fact that they can't be cheated on because they are the one doing the cheating. Women who have a married boyfriend are also not likely to be restricted in who they themselves are allowed to see romantically. A lack of trust can be the reason behind your relationship.^{[3]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Dating During A Divorce

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Be aware of your boyfriend's wife. Although you may be dating your boyfriend during his divorce, you will still have to contend with how his wife might view you. You will have to be careful with any interaction you might have with your boyfriend's wife as they may feel resentful towards you and try to cause you trouble.^{[4]
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- Your boyfriend's wife may try to turn his children against you.
- The wife of your boyfriend might try to attack your image amongst family and friends.
- Your relationship may cause the divorce proceedings to take longer or become more expensive.
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Keep your relationship discreet. Dating your boyfriend during a divorce can be a troublesome and difficult time for both of you. Keeping your relationship discreet and private can help keep things as calm and stable as can be during the divorce proceedings.^{[5]
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- Wait until after the divorce before making your relationship a public one.
- Don't get involved with your boyfriend's children until after the divorce is finalized.
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Make sure your boyfriend is physically separated from his wife. If you start dating your boyfriend while he still lives with his wife, this might be legally determined to be the reason for the failure of his marriage. If your relationship is determined to be the reason his marriage failed it can cause your boyfriend to lose more of his assets during the divorce.^{[6]
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- Wait until your boyfriend is living away from his wife before dating.

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Discovering If Your Boyfriend Is Married

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Take note of when your boyfriend is available. If your boyfriend is usually unavailable on weekends of evenings, but talks to you first thing in the morning, he might be married. Your boyfriend might be with his wife during these times and this can be the reason he isn't returning your calls or texts.^{[7]
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- Take note of when your boyfriend is available to talk.
- If he talks with you only during times when he is at work or away from home, he might be married.
- Unless he has to work on the weekends, he should be able to meet or talk with you.
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Think about how much you know about his personal life. Married men don't often share many details of their personal life. This might be an effort to cover up their marriage by exuding any information that could reveal it. Think of how much you know about your boyfriend and his personal life to see if he might be withholding any important information.^{[8]
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- He will likely not mention where he lives.
- Your boyfriend might not talk about his friends in case you might know them and ask them for more details about his life.
- He might not talk about his past relationships in order to avoid revealing anything about his current marriage.
If your boyfriend is currently married there is a good chance that he will avoid taking you to meet his family. A married boyfriend will likely try to keep your relationship a secret. If you meet his family your relationship will be revealed. If you have been dating your boyfriend for a long period of time and he avoids a meeting between you and his family, he might be married.^{[9]
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EXPERT TIP

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Insecurity could also be the culprit. Your boyfriend might have deep insecurities related to relationships, or he just might not be looking for something serious. Either reason could prevent a guy from introducing you to his family and friends.

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Why do some people only date married men?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Some women only date married men because they might subconsciously prefer a partner who is not fully emotionally available. This might seem like a safer scenario for them because it provides an "escape plan" or a way to avoid a deeper emotional commitment. The built-in limits of these relationships can offer a sense of control or prevent vulnerability. Also, the thrill of engaging in something forbidden or taboo might be a potential motivator. Thus, this thrill of social taboo and violation can make these relationships more desirable, adding that extra dimension of intensity.

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Tips

Examine your own reasons for the relationship. Be honest with yourself.

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Gracefully leaving the relationship is likely your best option.

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Try talking with someone you trust about this relationship.

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Tips from our Readers

The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.

My tip for dating a married man is...don't do it. You will likely only end up wasting year after year of empty promises. And if he leaves his wife for you, you might end up wondering if he will do the same to you, or if he will resent you in the long run.
Take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, "Can I live a lie?" How many broken promises are you able to handle? Don't play the game, know your worth.
Leave him. Ask yourself, are you really going to be the reason for a family break-up?
Married boyfriend? Don't do it. There are billions of other men in this world.

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