How to Give Compliments to People Who Won't Take Them

Co-authored by Kim Chronister, PsyD

Last Updated: September 22, 2022 References

You want to give someone a compliment and show them how great you think they are, but there's one problem: they won't take the compliment. How are you supposed to compliment someone if they deflect every time you try? Fortunately, it's possible to praise someone's awesome attributes even if they're not usually a fan of compliments—you just have to know how to approach things. Keep reading to learn how to go about giving compliments to people who won't take them.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Giving an Effective Compliment

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Try reframing it to make it about you. While someone can argue about how they look or what they do, it's hard to argue with how you feel.
- ”I've never seen eyes that blue before.”
- “That piece you played on the piano made me feel so calm and serene.”
- “Your smile just made my day!”
- “I couldn't have finished this project without you. You really helped me out and I appreciate it.”^{[1]
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Be specific. Sometimes the most memorable compliments are the most specific ones, because it shows that you're paying attention.
- “I liked how you handled the questions during your presentation today. You really helped the group find a solution that benefits everyone.”^{[3]
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- “Your shirt is such a pretty color. It really brings out your eyes.”
- "I love the imagery in your poem, especially this line here."
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Sneak it in there. Indirect compliments can build someone up without them feeling like they should deflect what you said. Sometimes subtlety helps.
- Ask for the recipe if you like their cooking, or ask for advice. They will feel valued.^{[4]
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- Mention that someone else said something nice about them or talk about how much other people care about them.^{[5]
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- Do charitable work together so they'll see themselves as someone who helps others. ^{[6]
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Give compliments if you want to. If giving compliments is part of your character, you don't need to diminish that quality just because you get an unfavorable response from someone. If being complimentary part of who you are, go ahead and give out compliments.
- In addition, even if the person struggles to accept your compliment, you may be activating the striatum region of their brain, which motivates them to perform better.^{[7]
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- Compliments can also improve a person's self-esteem. Again, the person doesn't have to consciously "accept" the compliment for it to make an impact.^{[8]
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- If you have a hard time complimenting in person, send them a note or an email instead.
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Be genuine. Fake compliments are often easy to recognize, and faking flattery will make you seem untrustworthy.^{[9]
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- Think about your reasons for giving praise. Your goal should be to boost their self-esteem and make them feel valued, not to get personal gain.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Helping Someone Learn to Take a Compliment

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Quit trash talking yourself and others. Modeling positive behavior will set a good example for your loved one. Your loved one may have a harsh inner critic, so be a model for a life that's free from judgment.
- Eliminate “fat talk” and other negativity toward yourself and other people. Even if you are putting yourself down and not someone else or your friend, it can still have a negative influence.
- This is particularly important around children and adolescents, who learn these behaviors from the adults in their lives.
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Accept compliments graciously. Be a role model by taking compliments with a smile. Acknowledge the compliment without trying to argue with it, and consider saying something positive if it comes to mind. Here are examples of a few ways you can take a compliment well:
- "Thank you. I've been practicing hard."
- "Thanks so much! And I love your hair, too."
- "Thanks, that's so sweet of you to say."
- "Really? Well I've always been an admirer of your work too!"
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Focus on people's good qualities. Part of helping build someone else's self-esteem is to shine a light on the great things about them. You don't need to pretend that they're perfect, but positivity can help them feel like their strengths outweigh their weaknesses.^{[11]
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- To make a compliment more unique, highlight something you have recently learned about the person's skill set or psychology.^{[12]
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- Or apply something you have read recently to the compliment.
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Give them a little encouragement. Sometimes people need a little extra support to help them gain confidence and feel comfortable seeing themselves positively. Try being a cheerleader for them. Try telling them encouraging things like:
- "I bet you're going to do awesome."
- "It's a tough problem, but you're tough too! Give it your best try."
- "You're pretty good at stuff like this. I'm looking forward to seeing what you do."
- "I can tell that was hard for you. Maybe this time didn't go so great, but I bet it'll get easier with practice. I have faith in you."
Tip: Be there for them if they don't succeed, too. This helps them know that your support of them is unconditional.
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Ask what's up if the person deflects or rejects praise regularly. People get into the habit of refuting anything good other people say about them, but pointing it out in a kind way will help the person recognize his behavior so he can start to learn how to accept praise gracefully.^{[13]
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- "Hey, I mean what I say. Disagree if you want, but I like to think that I have good judgment, and one of my decisions is choosing to be your friend."
- "I notice that you disagree with me a lot when I say something positive about you. What's going on?"
- "This is the third time this week that I've said something positive about you and you've tried to downplay it. Are you okay?"

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Finding the Root of the Problem

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Recognize self-esteem issues. Unfortunately, some people really don't like themselves. This can stem from growing up in an unsupportive environment or other factors and can be very hard to overcome.
- A person with low self-esteem may react poorly to compliments because it contradicts their negative self-image and they have a hard time believing that the compliments are true.^{[14]
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- Some people worry that compliments mean that you have high expectations that they won't be able to live up to.^{[15]
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Find out about cultural differences. The norms surrounding compliments are different in various cultures. In some cultures, it's considered rude to accept compliments, and it may even be rude to offer them.
- Some cultures view complimenting an adult as impolite, because they feel it is like coddling and that you are treating them like a child.^{[16]
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- In some cultures, to accept a compliment is to place yourself above others, which is unacceptable.^{[17]
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Think about gender differences. Have you noticed that many women have a hard time accepting a compliment? Some women and girls will deflect compliments because they're taught to be overly humble^{[18]
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- Some women are taught that they should avoid saying or accepting positive things about themselves because it may make others feel less good by comparison.^{[19]
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Tips

You might just have to accept it and move on if someone just won't take a compliment.

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Limit compliments to every now and then. Never overdo it.

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Warnings

Someone's refusal to accept praise usually has nothing to do with the person giving the compliment. As long as you are being appropriate, keep in mind that it's not you, it's them.

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