How to Give Good Hugs

Co-authored by Connell Barrett

Last Updated: November 8, 2022 Approved

The first step of giving a good hug is knowing when to hug. Hugs are not always appropriate – but when someone really needs a hug, you can make their day by stepping in to embrace them. To give a good hug, you will need to create a warm and welcoming space for your hugging partner. Make them feel comfortable, loved, and supported.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Starting the Hug

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Know when to hug. There are times for hugging, and times for keeping your hands to yourself.^{[1]
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[v160969_b01]. 11 April 2019.} First, understand why you are hugging this person: perhaps you are greeting a dear friend; perhaps you are comforting someone who's crying; perhaps you are trying to share your feelings for a crush or a partner. No matter the context, a good hug should feel natural. Wait for a break in the conversation, or a transition, or a poignant moment. Consider these scenarios:
- A break in the conversation could be any moment when time seems to pause. You can take advantage of these moments, if you've been meaning to hug someone. You don't need a reason to hug someone, but your hug should be in context. It should feel natural to initiate a hug at this time.
- A transition could be anything that begins or ends an interaction. You might hug your friend when you meet her, or hug her when she leaves. Hug to mark that something is beginning or ending.
- A poignant moment could be any experience in which you and another person (or people) have shared powerful emotions. Hug a friend after he shares a deep and emotional story; hug your sister when her boyfriend or girlfriend breaks up with her. Use hugs to acknowledge that a moment was significant and bring it to a beautiful end.
- Hugging culture and etiquette really depends on where you live. On the West Coast of the US, hugging is a pretty standard way of saying hello even if you don't know someone all that well.^{[2]
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  [v160969_b01]. 11 April 2019.}
- Meanwhile, on the East Coast, hugging is a pretty strange sign that's only reserved for very close loved ones.^{[3]
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  [v160969_b01]. 11 April 2019.}
Create a safe and gentle space. Open your arms wide, and try to keep a warm smile on your face. Use your body language, your facial expression, and your general demeanor to invite the person into your arms. Make this person feel like he or she is the only person who matters right now.^{[4]
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Open your arms to signal that you want to hug. Your body language should funnel the person into your embrace. Step toward him or her to make the invitation more clear. Look your hugging partner in the eyes, and watch her face to make sure that she is open to being hugged. If the person steps forward to meet your embrace, then he or she has accepted the hug. It's time to enter hug mode.^{[5]
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- Wait for a cue. If you aren't sure, wait until the person you want to hug extends his or her arms. This is a safe strategy – but you may also consider how much you can brighten someone's day by initiating the hug yourself.
- If the person doesn't step into your hug, then don't force it. Lower your arms and try to back off gracefully. Let it go.
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Consider announcing your hug.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.} Say, "Can I hug you?" or "I want to hug you right now." This can be a great segue if you are uncomfortable initiating a hug, or if you think that the other person might be uncomfortable with a sudden hug. By making your intentions clear, you may be able to clear the air and create a mutually comfortable space.
- Know when you don't need to ask. In most cases, you don't need to announce your hug – especially if you know someone well, or if you have hugged before. Bear in mind that the hug will likely feel more natural if you just do it.
Don't expect anything from the hug other than warmth and a shared moment.^{[7]
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Research source} A hug can mean much more than just a hug – but until stated otherwise, a hug is just a hug. If you are hugging with a warm heart and a genuine desire to make someone feel better, you will likely come across as friendly and welcoming. If you are trying to use the hug to get something from someone, then they probably won't feel as comfortable.
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Determine your hugging style. This will depend on your personality and who you happen to be hugging. Some people are able to fearlessly rock the bear hug: they spread their arms wide and tightly hug everyone that they meet – and they might even pick people up! Others are subtler and less committal in their approach: they've perfected the side-hug the bro-hug. Watch various people hug each other, and decide which hug is best for a given situation.
- The bear hug: Throw all of yourself into each hug. Hold tight and be loving. Rest your head on your hugging partner's chest or shoulder. Unabashedly show your love.
- The side-hug: This approach is subtle and low-commitment. Sidle up next to someone and reach out with one arm. Slide your arm around their shoulder (if you're taller) or around their back, below their arm (if you're shorter). Face the same direction as your hugging partner, squeeze their shoulder gently, and let go when it feels appropriate.
- The bro-hug: This is a casual hug between friends, characterized by a quick and low-contact embrace. Keep your butt out, lean in, and pat your friend on the back 1-3 times. Try leaning forward from a handshake into a quick, one-armed back-pat.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Hugging Friends and Family

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Hug warmly. If you are hugging someone in a platonic way, you don't need to worry about being "too forward" or holding back. The goal here is to show someone how much you appreciate them – so make it a good hug. Wait for the right moment, then wrap your arms around the person and hold them close.
- Most people appreciate a good hug. If you are genuine and comforting in your hugs, people will notice. Don't be afraid to share your love!
- This is especially important if you're hugging to comfort someone. The warmer you come across, the more loved your hugging partner will feel.
This means that you shouldn't take a platonic hug too far. Don't squeeze so tight that the person is in pain or can't breathe. Don't touch any private parts or sensitive areas unless your hugging partner has given you permission. Don't put your face too close to theirs, or breathe heavily in their ear, or step on their toes. Use your best judgment, and lighten up your approach if the person seems uncomfortable with the situation.
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Embrace a family member. You don't need to think too much about it – the purpose of hugging family is to show a simple, platonic love, even if you don't terribly like the person. You don't need to hug them tightly, although solid hugs (both in firmness and duration) tend to show more affection. Stroke your hands quickly across the top of the other person's back, and smile when you let go.
- Hugging female relatives should be mostly the same. Hug your mom like you'd hug your grandmother like you'd hug your sister. Hugging male relatives can depend on the context and the relative; some men may prefer a handshake, if you're a male.
- Understand how people hug in your family. Some families are big on hugging, while others tend to keep physical contact at a minimum. Watch how your other family members act with one another, then play to this hugging pattern to make sure that your relatives feel comfortable.
If you're just giving a quick, playful hug, you can let go after a few seconds. If the moment calls for a long hug, however, you don't need to feel self-conscious. Much like staring into someone's eyes, a long hug can be a powerful and intimate experience – and it can be a great way to connect with someone. You may find that past a certain threshold, you can let yourself slip into the hug and simply enjoy the sensation of being held.^{[8]
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Hug a friend. The depth and duration of the hug depend on the context: how close you are with this person, why you are hugging them, and how comfortable everyone is at the moment. You may also find that there are different expectations from a hug depending on whether your hugging partner identifies as male or female. The important thing is that you are warm and genuine; your hug should show your friend how much you appreciate him or her.
- Girls: Close your eyes and think about how much you appreciate your friend. Hold as tight as you like, but be careful not to squish your friend. Avoid patting your hugging partner on the shoulders: some girls may think that you don't like them if you pat them on the back without getting deep into a hug.
- Guys: Embrace each other firmly, and slap each other on the upper back or shoulders. If you're having an emotional moment, hold the hug for a brief moment and do not clap each others backs. Be careful who you hug: some guys are very uncomfortable with male-on-male hugs, but others have no such qualms.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Hugging Crushes and Partners

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Before you try to give a more-than-platonic hug, make sure that this person is comfortable with your touch. Your partner should be willing and ready to be handled in a romantic or sexual way. If you aren't sure, don't hesitate to ask for consent. The more comfortable you become with a partner, the better you'll be able to read their comfort level.
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Get the timing right. You can hug a crush or a partner for many of the same reasons that you'd hug anyone else – but there may be deeper emotions behind the embrace, and there's likely at least a bit of sexual tension. Hug your partner when you feel a rush of affection, or just to say hello, or when you want to ignite a spark of passion.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.}
- A hug can be a great way to acknowledge that the two of you have just shared a moment. Maybe you've just confessed your love; maybe you caught each other staring; maybe you just feel particularly loving today.
If your hugging partner is into it, you can take the hug a bit deeper. Hold her a little tighter, and gently caress her back with your hands. Kiss her neck or the top of her head, and consider going for a playful butt squeeze. Play with the hair at the nape of his neck, and nuzzle your head into his chest. The more comfortable you are with someone, the easier it will be to show your affection – and the better your hugs will become.
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Be aware of traditional gender roles. Don't put yourself in a box – but it helps to be aware of which hugging styles may come across as more masculine or feminine. Be conscious of these roles, and decide how you want to present yourself to the person you're hugging. Feel free to accept or ignore these models – there is no single correct way to hug.
- To take a more traditionally masculine role: Embrace your hugging partner around the waist, with your hands meeting in the small of his/her back. Keep them in that position for no more than a couple seconds, and let go as soon as they do. Look them in the eyes when you separate, then continue the conversation naturally.
- To take a more traditionally feminine role: Put your arms around your hugging partner's neck and shoulders. Press your chest lightly against his/her chest. Let go as soon as he/she does. There is nothing wrong, however, with simply wrapping your arms around your partner's midriff.^{[10]
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Try a surprise hug. If someone is really comfortable with you, try hugging them suddenly. Hug your lady from behind while she's standing and working on something; hug your man while he's looking off into the distance. A surprise hug doesn't need to be aggressive, or sudden – it's just a way to show how comfortable you feel around someone.
- If you're feeling playful, try covering the person's eyes and saying "Guess who?" Bear in mind that not everyone likes surprises, especially where the eyes are concerned. Use your best judgment.

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Everyone says I hug strangely. I have bony shoulders and am a taller girl so I usually end up stabbing people in the neck awkwardly without meaning to. Any tips on how to hug like a normal person?

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Make your motion gradual. Placing your hands on the other person's shoulder helps as a buffer.

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If you don't like people touching you, but you still don't want to say no or deny the persons hug, what do you do?

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You are always allowed to decline a hug, and if done politely (by raising your hand, showing the palm, as a barrier, for example), no one will ever be annoyed with you. If the person knows you well enough to want to hug you, he must be able to understand that you don't like it.

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My BFF likes my guy best friend. Should I still hug him or will she think I like him too?

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Assuming you don't like him, there's nothing wrong with you hugging him. If she asks you about it, just tell her you only like him as a friend. She should understand.

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Tips

Smell nice.

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Take caution and see if the girl/guy actually wants a hug. Have a reason to hug, if you don't know the person well. Read your hugging partner's body language to gauge whether the hug is welcome.

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Give a pat on the back if he/she pulls away try thinking up something nice to say sorry in a different way.

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Warnings

Remember that timing is key; the best hugs are when both of you need one.

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Be comforting and protecting, but not clingy and intense.

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Keep your playful hugs light, unless you think he/she likes bear hugs.

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Don't have cold hands.

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