How to Handle Someone Who Is in a Bad Mood

Co-authored by Mirjam Quinn, PhD and Amy Bobinger, BA

Last Updated: August 7, 2024 Fact Checked

Being around someone who is in a bad mood can take a toll on your own emotions. You might feel defeated and depleted after spending some time with them. Whether it's your partner, a friend, a coworker, or someone random, you'll be more likely to dodge their bad mood if you can keep some distance. Keep reading for tips on how to protect yourself and defuse the situation!

1

Keep a neutral perspective.

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Tell yourself it's not personal. Chances are, someone else's bad mood doesn't have anything to do with you at all. By keeping a little emotional distance from the situation, you'll be in a better place to work out how you can help.^{[1]
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Mirjam Quinn, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 3 March 2022.} On the other hand, if you blame yourself, the other person might feel like you're making it all about yourself or not understanding what they have going on.^{[2]
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HelpGuide
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- Your boss snaps at you because he's feeling pressure from his own superior, or your partner picks an argument after sitting in traffic for an hour. They're taking their bad mood out on you, but these situations aren't really your fault.
- Have a mantra you can repeat to help you disengage, like "It's not my fault," or, "Perspective."

2

Speak to the person calmly.

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Keep a peaceful demeanor may help them feel better. It can sometimes be hard to keep your cool when someone else is storming around. However, if you react by being equally irritable, the situation could quickly become hostile. Instead, be reassuring by speaking in a gentle voice and offering a warm smile when it's appropriate.^{[3]
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Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living

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- If your partner says something like, "I'm feeling so overwhelmed by everything I have to do today," you might smile and say, "I'm free, and I'd be happy to help you take care of things. What can I do?"
- That said, it's okay to speak a little more sternly if the person speaks to you in a way that you don't find acceptable.

3

Ask them if they're okay.

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Be curious about the underlying cause. Sometimes the cause of a bad mood is pretty apparent—like if your coworker had a flat tire on the way to work or your sister lost her job. Other times, something small might trigger a big reaction. If you feel like there's more going on that you don't know about, gently offer the person a chance to open up. They might just need to talk to someone who won't judge them.^{[4]
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Mind
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- Say something like, "It seems like you had a tough day. Do you want to talk about it?"
- If their bad mood has been persisting for a while, say something like, "I'm worried about you. Are you okay?"
- If you'd like to help the person calm down, ask something like "Hey, how did you feel about that situation?" Encourage them to be curious about what they're thinking and feeling, so they can be more in tune with themselves.^{[5]
  X
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  Arda Ozdemir, MA
  Career & Life Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 14 March 2019.}

4

Actively listen to them.

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They may just need a chance to be heard. To let the person know you're listening, make eye contact and nod while they're talking.^{[6]
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Mirjam Quinn, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 3 March 2022.} You can also offer feedback, like, "Uh huh," or "That seems tough." Make sure they have plenty of space to express themselves—if they pause to think about what they want to say next, be comfortable in the silence.^{[7]
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- Stay really present with what they're saying—don't interrupt or start planning what you want to say next.
- Ask questions to encourage them to share more, like, "How long have you felt like that?" or "What happened next?"

5

Validate their feelings.

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Look at things from their perspective. Even if you wouldn't necessarily handle things the way this person is, try to be compassionate. Let them know that you can see why they'd feel the way they do. If they feel understood, it could go a long way toward changing their mood.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Mirjam Quinn, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 3 March 2022.}
- Say something like, "I can see how that would be really frustrating."
- Or, you might say, "I had no idea you had that much going on. No wonder you feel overwhelmed."

6

Ask how they'd like to be supported.

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Let them tell you how you can help. Sometimes the simplest tactic is to ask what you can do. Try asking if there's anything that's helped them in similar situations in the past.^{[9]
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Research source} Or, let them know that you're there to listen if that's what they'd like.^{[10]
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- It might seem simple, but even asking "Is there anything I can do to help you right now?" could be all it takes to help someone feel better.^{[11]
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- You could also try, "Do you want someone to talk to, or would you rather I just sit here with you?"

7

Save the advice unless they ask.

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Make listening your main priority.^{[12]
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Mirjam Quinn, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 3 March 2022.} It's natural to want to help someone who's having a hard time, which is why it's tempting to jump into offering solutions. However, sometimes people simply need to vent. If you're trying to fix the problem, the person might end up feeling unheard, which could make them feel worse.^{[13]
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- If a friend is having trouble with an overbearing boss, it's a lot more meaningful if you just listen than if you rush to tell them they should quit their job.
- Later in the conversation, if they seem open to it you might say something like, "I'm here if you want to brainstorm some ideas of how to handle this."

8

Distract them with things they enjoy.

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Surprise the person by doing something with them. Sometimes when a person is in a bad mood, they won't feel like making plans with you—even to do something they normally love. If you just show up and ask them to come along, though, they might be more likely to go and enjoy themselves.^{[14]
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- Invite them to go on a bike ride, have lunch at their favorite restaurant, or to watch a movie with you.

9

Notice whether your own mood is changing.

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That awareness can help you keep some distance. People often mimic each other’s behaviors, so if you're around someone who's in a bad mood, it can leave you feeling cranky. Notice how you're feeling when you're around the person. Staying in touch with your emotions can actually help you control them better, so you'll have a better chance of dodging the other person's bad mood.^{[15]
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- If you start feeling irritable, tell yourself something like, "I'm frustrated because Ben is really difficult to be around right now. It's okay that I feel that way, but I can reset."
- Sometimes distance is the best way to keep someone else from affecting your mood. If you need to, leave the room until they've had a chance to cool off.
- You may also want to develop an activity to help you release any negativity, such as going for a long walk in nature or taking a yoga class.

10

Set healthy boundaries.

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You have the right to put your own needs first. Just because someone is in a bad mood, it doesn't mean they're entitled to all of your emotional energy. Similarly, no one has the right to treat you badly due to their mood. Decide for yourself what you will and won't allow, then stand firm, even if the other person tests those boundaries sometimes.^{[16]
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- It doesn't matter if it's your parent, partner, boss, or anyone else. If someone is crossing a line, you have the right to speak up for yourself or leave.^{[17]
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  Mind
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- You could say, "I care about you and don’t like that you’re in a bad mood. I want to help, but I'll have to leave if you speak to me that way."
- You might also say, "Sometimes when you're upset, I have a tendency to make it my top priority, but I can't always drop everything when you call."^{[18]
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11

Lean on your own support group.

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Surround yourself with positive people. If someone else's mood starts to take a toll on you, call up someone who usually makes you feel better. That might be a close friend or family member, or it could even be a member of your church, a support group, or a therapist. Talking to someone outside of the situation can help you get the perspective you need.^{[19]
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- Positivity can be just as contagious as negativity, so turning to your most upbeat friends could help you feel happier after encountering someone who was in a bad mood.

12

Take a time-out if things get heated.

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Remove yourself from the situation if you need to. If someone is really stubbornly holding onto their bad mood, you might find it hard to keep your own mood up. You might also need to leave if the person is taking their mood out on you. That might just mean stepping into another room for a few minutes, or if the person is really heated, even avoiding them for a few days.^{[20]
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Mind
U.K.-based mental health charity focused on providing advice and resources to anyone facing mental health problems.

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- You might tell your partner, "I see that you are really upset about something, and I’m sorry for that. However, I need to walk away for a minute."
- Keep in mind that you can choose your level of involvement and sometimes it is best to just ignore the person.
- If the person continues to treat you badly due to their low moods, it may be best to limit your contact with them. This can be hard if it's someone you live with, but just keep a low profile until they're feeling better or you can leave.

13

Help the person find support if their bad mood continues.

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A persistent low mood could indicate depression or anxiety. If you're close with them, suggest that they meet with their regular doctor for a checkup. That can be less intimidating than seeing a mental health professional, especially if they've never been to therapy before. Offer to help them make a list of their symptoms to share with their doctor.^{[21]
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- You might even offer to make the appointment for them or go with them to their first appointment.