How Not to Seem Desperate when Texting a Girl

Written by John Keegan | Edited by Eric McClure

Last Updated: November 29, 2024 Fact Checked

If you’re texting your crush back and forth, you may be worried about coming on too strong. While you shouldn’t worry about this too much if things are going well, you’re probably making a wise choice trying to play it smooth if this is new. After all, it takes time for two people to feel one another out and find the right vibe. If you want to come off cooler than a polar bear’s toes, we’ve got you covered with some tips and tricks on how to talk to your crush without coming off as desperate.

This article is based on an interview with our professional dating coach, John Keegan, founder of The Awakened Lifestyle. Check out the full interview here.

1

Wait for her to reply before texting again.

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If you double or triple text, it can seem like you’re way too interested. When the two of you text, always wait for her to reply before sending another text. If you don’t, it may send the impression that you’re hanging on her every word, which is definitely not something you want if you’re trying to play it cool.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 22 September 2021.}
- This doesn’t apply to multi-texting where you break up a thought into 2-3 texts that you send back-to-back, but if more than a few minutes pass, wait for them to respond.
- If she just straight up hasn’t responded in 2-3 days or something, you can send one more text. After that, the ball is in her court. Don’t keep texting someone who isn’t responding to you.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  John Keegan
  Dating Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 25 May 2021.}

2

Let some time pass between your texts.

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If you’re always available, it can seem like you don’t have anything going on. It’s good for there to be a few minutes in between texts. Give her something to wonder about. She might think, “I wonder what they’re doing right now?” or, “They seem busy.” These passive thoughts will reinforce her impression that you’ve got tons of options out there and that you don’t need her to keep yourself entertained.^{[3]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 19 August 2021.}
- If she is texting you back super fast, don’t worry about this. Don’t ruin a good conversation on purpose by waiting. When it comes to ongoing convos where hours may pass between texts though, don’t hit them back right away.
- For example, if she takes an hour to respond because she was busy with something at work, you might wait 15 minutes or so just to make it clear you aren’t waiting for her.
- If she takes 10 minutes in between each text, you might take 10 minutes, too. Mirroring her speed is always a safe way to go.

3

Avoid texting her every single day.

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Take a day off every now and then so you don’t seem too free. If 24 hours pass between your text conversations, that’s a good thing! It gives the two of you time to go do other things, which can give you something to talk about the next time you chat. It also gives her the impression that you’re totally comfortable not talking all the time, which is key to not appearing desperate.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 22 September 2021.}
- This doesn’t mean you should ignore her. If she texts you every day, great! It’s a sign that things are going super well and you should reply at some point. But if she doesn’t hit you up first one day, let things breathe and take a day off.

4

Wait for her to text you first on occasion.

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If you always text first, it can feel like you’re way too into her. A budding relationship should be built on mutual attraction, but if you always text her first, it can make it seem like you like her more than she likes you. That’s not a good vibe if you’re trying to be laid back and play it cool. It’s okay to text her first every now and then, but let her come to you first sometimes!^{[5]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 25 May 2021.}
- If you wait for her to text you first and she never does, it’s a sign that this wasn’t going to work out anyway. That can be a big bummer, but it’s better to know now than to waste multiple weeks or months chasing something that never had legs in the first place.
- If you’re always texting her first, it may be a signal that she’s not totally crazy about you yet. That’s okay—you still have tons of time—but it’s good information to have if you don’t want to seem desperate.

5

Match the length of her texts in your responses.

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Mirroring her texts gives the impression that you’re on equal footing. If your texts are super short when she’s writing out multiple sentences, it can seem dismissive and she may not think you’re into her. If you write big paragraphs when she’s being kind of short, it can read like you’re way too interested in talking to her, which can come off as desperate. Match her energy by replying with texts of a similar length.^{[6]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 19 August 2021.}
- This is also a good way to keep the momentum of a conversation going. If the conversation is too uneven, it can make her feel like she’s not texting enough, or texting too much.

6

Stay on topic and let her guide the convo.

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Match her tone and talk about whatever she wants to talk about. If she’s always telling you about her day, talk to her about your day as well. If she’s getting philosophical, engage in deeper topics and bring up complex ideas you have. If she’s all about jokes and memes, keep it going with the humor. By matching her where she is, she’ll get the vibe that you’re comfortable to be around.^{[7]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 25 May 2021.}
- Let things develop organically. It can be hard to take things slow when you’re really into someone, but it’s key if you don’t want to come off as desperate.

7

Don’t ask too many questions.

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Asking a ton of questions can make things feel like an interview. Showering them with question marks can give the impression that you’re way too into them. A follow-up inquiry here and there can help keep the conversation going, but you don’t want to use them as the crux of your text convos. Rely more on statements, which read as way less clingy and invasive than questions will.^{[8]
X
Expert Source

Mark Rosenfeld
Dating & Relationship Coach

Expert Interview. 11 June 2021.}
- A lot of people trying to date hear the advice, “Ask questions to get them talking about themselves.” That’s true to a point, but you don’t want to overdo it.
- As an example, imagine your crush says, “I can’t wait for this weekend.” What sounds more laid back: “Do you want to hang out this weekend? What are you up to?” or, “Me neither, it’s been a long week.”

8

Bring up how busy you are every now and then.

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Sprinkle references to your hobbies and friends into your convos. Casually referencing things you need to do or get to do will send the subconscious signal that you’ve got a rich, interesting life outside of her. Don’t go out of your way to brag about how in-demand or popular you are, but reference it here and there so she knows you don’t just sit at home waiting to text her.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 22 September 2021.}
- For example, if she says, “Have you seen that new Marvel movie?” you might say, “I think I saw it with my friends a few weeks ago.”
- If she says, “I am so ready to go out this weekend,” you could reply, “Me too, I’m catching up with a bunch of folks I haven’t seen in a while.”
- Reader Poll: We asked 551 wikiHow readers how they would react if a girl started hiding her phone, and only 10% said they would give the benefit of the doubt and assume she’s busy. [Take Poll] So, while that may not be a great strategy according to our readers, play it cool and fill your time with something else.

9

Keep the conversation light.

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Maintain an upbeat vibe and don’t get too deep or controversial. Stay away from super complex or philosophical topics. Skip out on the politics and religion talk for now. Be super laid back and keep the personal beliefs and history to yourself for now. Getting too controversial early on is a signal that you’re not laid back, and if you’re trying to play it cool this is a common mistake.^{[10]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 25 May 2021.}
- This isn’t to say that you should never talk about yourself. A comment like, “Oh, I love old movies too! Humphrey Bogart was the man,” can really help build conversation.
- If she asks you a deeper question, answer it! But the goal here is to get her to be interested enough to ask in the first place, and that can’t happen if you just volunteer everything up front.

10

Don’t overshare or expose your feelings too early.

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If you start sharing secrets or talking about a relationship, you’ll spook her. These deeper conversations should be taking place months from now, and if the two of you haven’t been talking that long, it’s too soon for all of that. Sharing too much early on can send the signal that you’re lonely, so play it close to the vest when it comes to your deepest emotional truths and desires.^{[11]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 25 May 2021.}
- Absolutely avoid the relationship talk if you two are still just chatting. You can ask her out if you want, but don’t jump into the “I’m looking for a life partner” talk.

11

Lean into it if she pokes fun at you.

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Unless she’s being actively mean, play along when she’s messing with you. If you get upset or start seeking validation for every little comment, it can seem like you’re super sensitive and desperate to be liked. If she pokes fun at you or cracks a joke at your expense, don’t take it personally. Throw something back her way! People banter when they flirt, and you shouldn’t approach your convos like it’s life or death.^{[12]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 25 May 2021.}
- For example, if you’re talking about your favorite classes and you mention math, she might say something like, “You’re such a dweeb,” you might be tempted to say, “I am not! You really don’t like math?” That might come off as a little testy and soft. Instead, say something like, “At least I don’t like English, like some dorky librarian 😎”

12

Ask a cool friend to help you.

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The great thing with text convos is that you have some time in between texts to craft the perfect response. If you’re nervous about looking desperate, show a slick friend the convo and ask them what they’d say. You can even share your texts periodically to see if they think you’re coming off the right way.^{[13]
X
Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 25 May 2021.}