How to Learn to Love Yourself

Co-authored by Jennifer Butler, MSW

Last Updated: September 11, 2024 Approved

Sometimes life can get you down and you may be really hard on yourself. No matter what your are facing in your life, it is important to continue to love yourself. You can learn to love yourself by using strategies to become more compassionate towards yourself, let go of things that bother you about yourself, and develop a sincere love and appreciation for yourself.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Building Self-Compassion

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1
Imagine how you would react to a friend in your situation. To start practicing self-compassion, it may be helpful for you to start thinking about how you would respond to a friend who was in your situation. Try to imagine the words and behaviors that you would use to comfort a friend who was dealing with the same problem as you are and write about them. Some good questions to answer as part of this exercise include:^{[1]
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- What would you say to a friend who came to you with the problem that you are having? How would you treat him or her?
- How do you tend to treat yourself? How is this different from how you would treat a friend?
- How might a friend react if you treated him or her the way that you treat yourself?
- How might you start to feel if you treated yourself the way you would treat a friend?
2
Create a self-compassion script. In difficult moments, it may be helpful for you to recite a self-compassion script to keep yourself from being over-critical of yourself. A self-compassion script will help you to acknowledge your feelings and be kind to yourself in the moment.^{[2]
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- For example, you might say something like, “I am having a really hard time right now, but suffering is part of being human. The way I feel right now is temporary.”
- You can alter the script so that it is in your own words or recite it as is whenever you are tempted to criticize yourself.
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3
Write a kind letter to yourself. Another way to start seeing yourself with more compassion is to write yourself a kind letter. Write the letter from the perspective of a friend who has unconditional love for you. You can imagine someone real or imaginary^{[3]
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- Try starting the letter with something like, “Dear (your name), I heard about (your situation) and I am so sorry. I want you to know that I care about you….” You can continue the letter from this point. Remember to maintain a kind, understanding tone throughout the entire letter.
4
Give yourself some physical comfort. Physical comfort can help you to feel better when you are feeling low. That is why friends and family members may hug you or pat you on the back if you are struggling with something. Even if you are alone, you can give yourself the benefits of physical comfort by hugging, patting, or just laying hands on yourself.
- Try holding your hands over your heart or wrap your arms around yourself in a big hug.
5
Practice meditation. After a while, self-critical thinking may become automatic, which can be difficult to change. Meditation can help you to become more aware of your thoughts, so you will be able to tell when you are criticizing yourself and address the thoughts rather than letting them take over.
- Learning to meditate takes time and practice, so it is a good idea to take a class or find someone who can give you lessons.
- You can even try a self-compassion guided meditation: http://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#guided-meditations

Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: What Kind of Reality Check Do I Need?

We all have blind spots, especially when it comes to the ways we treat others (and ourselves). Unfortunately, it can be pretty tough to take an objective look at what your own weak points are. We’re here to help. Take this quiz to rip off the Band-aid and see what your blind spots really are.

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Pick a sea creature:

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Dolphin

Crab

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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Letting Go of Self-Hatred

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How you feel about yourself may not be accurately be represented as fact. Do not believe everything you tell yourself.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Jennifer Butler, MSW
Love & Empowerment Coach

Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.}
2
Avoid negative people. People who make you feel bad about yourself will make it more difficult to find self-love. If you find yourself surrounded by people like this, it is time to consider distancing yourself.^{[5]
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- It might be difficult to completely disappear or disengage from people. Start slow. If you want to distance yourself from friends, for example, try to communicate less. Gradually stop seeing or talking to them, and then block them on social media.
- Breaking up with someone who is a negative influence can be a bit trickier. However, if you can handle it, then your life can be much better.
Negative situations can create negative behavior and may create self-hatred.^{[6]
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Research source} Avoiding these situations will remove the stimuli and will help you focus on making a better you.
For example, you can’t control the weather. Why let it upset you? When it comes to things about yourself, there are just some things you will not be able to control (such as past decisions). Focus on the things you can.
Feeling inadequate is very common. You must recognize that you cannot excel at every aspect of your life. Imperfection is part of the human condition. Recognize this to begin loving yourself and what you do accomplish.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Jennifer Butler, MSW
Love & Empowerment Coach

Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.}

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Developing Self-Love

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1
Write a list. Start by writing down what you like about yourself. This strategy will give a focus. Consider writing both physical and psychological lists. Start with small things to help motivate yourself. Perhaps write things:
- I like the color of my eyes.
- I like my laugh.
- I enjoy my job.
- I like my hard work ethic.
2
Be thankful. Similarly, it helps to write a list for what you are thankful.^{[8]
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Research source} These can be vary from the previous list to focus more on what you appreciate about the world around you. Consider writing things:
- I am thankful for my loving family.
- I am thankful for my dog.
- I am thankful for my apartment/house.
- I am thankful for the wonderful weather today.
3
Talk to those you love. If you are struggling with getting started with what you should write about, consider talking to people who love you. They might provide a different perspective. Think about asking:
- ”Mom, what do you think are my best traits?”
- ”Dad, what are you thankful for?” (This might give you ideas.)
- ”[Sibling name] Do you think I’m good at [x]?”
4
Practice daily affirmations.^{[9]
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Research source}Daily affirmations are scientifically proven to improve the way to think about yourself. They have been proven to improve mood and reduce stress. To practice daily affirmations, do the following:
- Every morning, when you first wake up, stand in front of a mirror.
- Look yourself in the eye and repeat a mantra. This affirmation is designed to help you reinforce positivity. Try saying things like: “I will say yes to more things today.”
- Repeat this three to five times to help you reinforce the idea.
- You can change your affirmation daily, or focus on something specific you want to change.
5
Exercise. Getting physical has many positive benefits, both psychological and physical. The “exercise effect” is the scientific phenomenon of feeling better about oneself after physical exercise.^{[10]
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Trustworthy Source

American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists

Go to source}
- Also, participating in exercises that you enjoy can promote happiness. For example, try taking a walk through a local park. It’ll give you time to think, burn off some calories, and provide a beautiful view!
6
Eat a healthy diet. Similar to exercising, eating healthy has psychological benefits.^{[11]
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Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

Go to source}
- Try eating more proteins (fish, meat, beans) and less simple carbohydrates (white bread, sugars, sweets, etc.).
7
Get plenty of sleep. Sleeping makes a body and mind feel good. Scientists suggest that amount of sleep varies on age.^{[12]
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- School age — nine to 11 hours per night.
- Teenager — eight to 10 hours per night.
- Young adult — seven to nine hours per night.
- Adult — seven to nine hours per night.
- Older Adult — six to eight hours per night.
- Reader Poll: We asked 607 wikiHow readers, and 55% said that when they're working on themselves, they feel most motivated to improve their physical and mental health. [Take Poll] If you want to learn to love yourself but don’t know where to begin, try being kind to your body with sleep and exercise!

What Is The Meaning of Self Love?

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Question

How do I change my negative thought patterns?

Jennifer Butler, MSW
Love & Empowerment Coach
Jennifer Butler is a Love & Transformation Coach and the Owner of JennJoyCoaching, a life coaching business based in Miami, Florida, although Jennifer works with clients all over the world. Jennifer’s work centers around empowering women who are navigating any stage of the divorce or breakup process. She has over four years of life coaching experience. She is also the co-host of the Deep Chats Podcast along with Leah Morris and the host of season 2 “Divorce and Other Things You Can Handle” by Worthy. Her work has been featured in ESME, DivorceForce, and Divorced Girl Smiling. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from New York University. She is also a Certified Health Coach, a Communications & Life Mastery Specialist, and a Certified Conscious Uncoupling and Calling in “the One” coach.

Jennifer Butler, MSW

Love & Empowerment Coach

Expert Answer

To change negative thought patterns, try the cognitive behavioral technique “the 3 C’s”: catch, check, change. Catch yourself thinking something negative about yourself, check if what you are thinking about is true, and then change your thought to more positive one.

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Question

Why is it so hard for me to love myself?

Jennifer Butler, MSW
Love & Empowerment Coach
Jennifer Butler is a Love & Transformation Coach and the Owner of JennJoyCoaching, a life coaching business based in Miami, Florida, although Jennifer works with clients all over the world. Jennifer’s work centers around empowering women who are navigating any stage of the divorce or breakup process. She has over four years of life coaching experience. She is also the co-host of the Deep Chats Podcast along with Leah Morris and the host of season 2 “Divorce and Other Things You Can Handle” by Worthy. Her work has been featured in ESME, DivorceForce, and Divorced Girl Smiling. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from New York University. She is also a Certified Health Coach, a Communications & Life Mastery Specialist, and a Certified Conscious Uncoupling and Calling in “the One” coach.

Jennifer Butler, MSW

Love & Empowerment Coach

Expert Answer

We all have these stories and false narratives that run underneath our consciousness and we operate based on these lies we tell ourselves. If don't actively examine and analyze what you think of yourself, it can be hard to break out of that pattern.

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Question

What do I need to do in order to love myself?

Jennifer Butler, MSW
Love & Empowerment Coach
Jennifer Butler is a Love & Transformation Coach and the Owner of JennJoyCoaching, a life coaching business based in Miami, Florida, although Jennifer works with clients all over the world. Jennifer’s work centers around empowering women who are navigating any stage of the divorce or breakup process. She has over four years of life coaching experience. She is also the co-host of the Deep Chats Podcast along with Leah Morris and the host of season 2 “Divorce and Other Things You Can Handle” by Worthy. Her work has been featured in ESME, DivorceForce, and Divorced Girl Smiling. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from New York University. She is also a Certified Health Coach, a Communications & Life Mastery Specialist, and a Certified Conscious Uncoupling and Calling in “the One” coach.

Jennifer Butler, MSW

Love & Empowerment Coach

Expert Answer

Don't have the mindset that you need to get somewhere, do something, be in a certain relationship, or achieve a goal before you can love yourself. This idea that you need to reach a certain level before you can accept yourself for who you are is going to hold you back. You already have everything you need!

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Warnings

If you are suffering from suicidal thoughts or are feeling sad the majority of the time, please consult your doctor. He can help you work through these feelings or refer to someone who can help.

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