How to Pass Gas in Bed Without Anyone Noticing

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Last Updated: February 27, 2024

When you're sharing your bed with someone (married or not) the potential for an innocent emission to become an embarrassing blunder is immense. Follow these somewhat fail proof steps to keep your partner's respect level the same as it was before you got horizontal. While not limited to the bed, the same technique when mastered can be applied to any number of more public places, such as elevators, cars, waiting in line etc.

Steps

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Try not to call too much attention to yourself. Be natural.
Left palm on the left buttock and right palm on the right buttock with the thumbs pointing out away from each other.

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You want to do this slowly and until your sphincter is sufficiently open.
They key is to let it out slowly and silently. Imagine blowing a mouthful of air through loosely pursed lips. Too fast and strong will cause the lips to vibrate and emit noise. It's roughly the same effect.
You've just emitted gas without anyone knowing.

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What should I do if I don't have a sphincter?

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A sphincter is a muscle that holds the anus and bladder closed. Everybody has one.

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What happens when the smell is so bad, your eyes are watering?

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Well, then I think your bed partner will know you farted. Laugh about it.

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What if someone is giving me a piggy back and I need to pass gas?

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Just pass it. You could ask to be lowered down and move away from that person if you want to be a little more discreet.

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Tips

Occasionally your emissions will be accompanied by an overpowering stench. There are many ways to mask this, but one of the most effective ways is to keep your area of the bed sealed by making sure too much air does not leak out of the covers.

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Hopefully if you're sharing a bed with someone, you already feel comfortable enough that if this should happen, it won't be a disaster.

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You can seal the covers simply by repositioning your arms along the top seam of the covers to the left and right side of your body when done emitting your gas. Keep this firm and sealed for about 2 minutes as the air underneath the covers clears. Passing gas should cause a noticeable temperature increase in the air underneath your covers. When this temperature increase subsides, it is a good indication that it is safe to allow both the pockets of air below and above your covers to exchange again without fear of causing your partner to gag or choke.

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