Q&A for How to Know if Your Date is Transgender

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  • Question
    How do I ask about their gender identity without seemingly offending them?
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Expert Answer
    When dating, it's essential to approach the topic of gender identity with sensitivity and respect. Instead of making assumptions, it's perfectly okay to ask the person directly about their gender identity in a straightforward manner. For instance, you can say something like, "I'm curious, what is your gender identity?" This communicates your interest in getting to know them on a deeper level without making any assumptions. Whether you're chatting on a dating app or meeting in person, asking this question shows that you value open communication and want to understand the person for who they truly are. It's important to remember that everyone's gender identity is unique, and by asking directly, you demonstrate your commitment to inclusivity and respect for their identity.
  • Question
    Can transgender men have a penis?
    Community Answer
    Community Answer
    Yes, a transgender man can obtain a penis by phalloplasty and metoidioplasty. Phalloplasty consists of taking skin from the non-dominant arm, rolling it up, and then attaching it to the groin. Metoidioplasty consists of slightly detaching the enlarged clitoris and sewing the surrounding skin to it to add a bit of girth.
  • Question
    My girlfriend claims that she is a girl and that she always has been, yet so many people call her trans, and her hair is the kind of hair that a transgender person would have. What should I think?
    Community Answer
    Community Answer
    First of all, there's no such thing as a transgender type of hair. Hairstyles don't have anything to do with someone's gender identity. If you're worried, then you should just ask her about it. If she says she has always been a girl, then you should trust her and drop the subject. If she is trans, then you'll have to decide whether or not you're comfortable continuing the relationship.
  • Question
    My girlfriend is boyish and doesn't like it when we use female pronouns to address her. Is she unknowingly trans (FtM)?
    Community Answer
    Community Answer
    Maybe. They might be questioning and working this out for themselves. The best thing you can do is use whatever pronouns they prefer and be patient with them. Make sure they know you are there if they want to talk about it and offer your support, but don't push them to come to any conclusions if they are not ready.
  • Question
    I'm a girl and I like boy things; I don't like it when people make me do girl stuff like cleaning and cooking. Does that mean I'm trans?
    Community Answer
    Community Answer
    Not at all. It just means you are a girl who likes some things and doesn't like other things. If you feel like you are a boy, then it is possible you are trans. Being trans has nothing to do with your likes or dislikes, and has everything to do with who you are internally.
  • Question
    Does a transgender have to tell you by law before intercourse begins that they are transgender?
    Community Answer
    Community Answer
    Not at all. There are no laws requiring people to reveal such personal information to others, though obviously it would be courteous to be up-front with such information, and not many people would withhold it in such circumstances. If you become uncomfortable at any point, you can simply say no to progressing any further.
  • Question
    What if you are transgender?
    Community Answer
    Community Answer
    It is up to you when you want to disclose your gender to the person you are dating. It can be difficult to know when the best time is, but make sure you are up front before your relationship turns sexual.
  • Question
    Is it okay to just walk away and cut all contact if the transgender person doesn't tell me they are transgender until after the date?
    Community Answer
    Community Answer
    It can be very difficult for a trans person to come out in a relationship. Some like telling their partners sooner than others, and it all really varies from person to person. If you like them, I'd suggest you give them more time.
  • Question
    This still didn't help me identify physical characteristics that show if someone is transgender or not. Why?
    PreuxFox
    PreuxFox
    Top Answerer
    This is because there is no one set of physical characteristics that will allow you to identify someone as transgender. Just like all human beings, trans people come with many different bodies and physical characteristics. Any characteristic that might indicate someone is trans could also indicate other things.
  • Question
    If someone leaves their partner after finding out they are trans, are they transphobic?
    Owl511
    Owl511
    Community Answer
    Not necessarily. For example, if two heterosexual people are in a relationship and one is transgender, the other person can leave because they are not attracted to the gender their partner now identifies as. There is also the chance that the non-trans person will feel lied to and unable to rebuild the trust in the relationship. They could also be transphobic, but that is not likely.
  • Question
    Why don't hetero men and women have natural rights in this case? Why do trans people assume they can take advantage of a man looking for a biological female and not be honest and open?
    Community Answer
    Community Answer
    Trans people are not trying to "take advantage" of anyone. They are just people looking for acceptance and love like anyone else and deserve to be treated with respect, just like anyone else. Take the time to get to know someone before getting physical. You may also find it helpful to talk to a therapist about why this issue makes you angry.
  • Question
    What should I do if I suspect my date may be transgender, but I have no desire to be in a relationship with a transgender person?
    The Emo Panda
    The Emo Panda
    Community Answer
    Ask them if they are trans. If they aren't, things may continue; if they are, turn them down gently. Simple as that!
  • Question
    If heterosexual people aren't interested in dating transgender people, are they transphobic?
    Community Answer
    Community Answer
    Not necessarily. They just might just be romantically interested in cisgender people.
  • Question
    How do I tell if a girl is transgender?
    Community Answer
    Community Answer
    I will be upfront with you. There is absolutely no way to physically tell if anybody is transgender, but there are ways of showing you are accepting. So try to make the person feel comfortable and happy. If they are, then they'll come out to you when they feel it is right.
  • Question
    How do I become female if I am male? How do I grow breasts?
    Community Answer
    Community Answer
    If you feel like a girl, that means you ARE a girl, no matter what your biological sex is. So if you strongly feel you are a girl, you already are one. Talk it over with your doctor or a therapist, they can give you female hormones which will give you more feminine attributes like voice and breasts. There are surgical options as well. If you need any more info, there is lots of it online!
  • Question
    I want biological children. Why is it okay for my time to be wasted until the trans person is ready to tell me the truth?
    Community Answer
    Community Answer
    The trans person is scared of being assaulted or murdered by you. That takes precedence over your time being wasted. They don't know if you'll be supportive or if you'll become violent. If you think that's dramatic, look up statistics. Life expectancy for a trans woman of color is 35 years old. They're not being dishonest intentionally to fool you. Furthermore, would you expect a cis woman with fertility issues to tell you about this on the first date? It's okay if you don't want to date a trans person, but just say that. Don't try to take the moral high ground.
  • Question
    Should a transgender person be up front about their situation when they go out on a date?
    Community Answer
    Community Answer
    Whether or not someone is transgender isn't everyone's business, and putting the burden on the trans person to out themselves to keep themselves "safe" (which doesn't work a good chunk of the time) is blaming the wrong party.
  • Question
    How can I be 100% sure I'm trans? I'm very lost at the moment. I've felt like a boy since 3. Please help!
    Community Answer
    Community Answer
    There is no way to absolutely know but if you've thought about it for so long, you most likely are. It can help to read about other people's experience through online stories, to see what clicks with you.
  • Question
    I am not interested in dating a transgender, but I am worried that they may not tell me until later. How can I avoid this?
    Community Answer
    Community Answer
    Just give anyone a chance. You never know, your soulmate could be trans. Trans people are people too, and saying you aren't interested in dating an entire group of people comes off as transphobic. I wouldn't worry about it for you, though. No smart trans person would want to date someone like you anyway.
  • Question
    What do you say about England's law that transgender non-disclosure to a sexual partner is a form of sexual assault?
    Community Answer
    Community Answer
    Personally, it doesn't make sense to me. If a person is in a sexual relationship with a pre-SRS trans person, they will be aware of the differences in their partner's body compared to a cis person's. If the trans person in question is post-SRS, there will not be much difference between their sex characteristics and those of a cisgender person. The law implies deceit on the part of the trans person, which is not necessarily true.
  • Question
    Why is this not a disclosure law yet? I now feel like I have to ask to see someone's birth records to know the gender! I shouldn't have to bend my beliefs.
    Tom De Backer
    Tom De Backer
    Top Answerer
    Imagine a man born as a man, who along his life realizes he's actually a woman. He has all the procedures and operations done and then becomes a woman, physically, hormonally, emotionally, mentally, etc. In that case your date is a woman now, regardless of who they were in the past. You met her as a woman, talk to her as a woman, make love to her as a woman. And even if she doesn't tell you at all, or tells you only years later, she'll still always have been a woman for as long as you'll have known her. It's not like dressing up as Batman for a day; she actually became Batman.
  • Question
    How do I date people when I'm still transitioning? I'm only in highschool and not too many people are supportive so I still want to be closeted. How do I approach someone I want to date?
    Crutchie Morris
    Crutchie Morris
    Community Answer
    Don’t feel rushed. If you like this person, become close with them first, and if you come out, and then start to date, that’s one solution, but if you don’t think you’ll come out soon, which is perfectly perfect, then you can date them, get a grasp for their sexuality, and then come out.
  • Question
    I’m talking to the girl her voice is deep and she kinda looks like a male, is that normal? I’m afraid to ask if they are trans. What should I do?
    Crutchie Morris
    Crutchie Morris
    Community Answer
    Wait for her to tell you. Don’t pressure her. Coming out is scary and can even be dangerous. Make it clear you support trans people as well. Keep in mind that she could just have been born a little masculine.
  • Question
    I met a girl on Tinder, but she has man-features, clothes, hairstyle, walk, etc. We are looking for a non-serious, casual relationship. But I am concerned now. I don't want to discover a penis after a kiss.
    Ikos
    Ikos
    Community Answer
    Not every trans woman has a penis, and not every masculine woman is trans. Many masculine women are cis, and most trans women want to appear more feminine.
  • Question
    Do trans women have male body parts?
    Ikos
    Ikos
    Community Answer
    If you're wondering if they have a penis, they may, but there are also surgeries that remove the penis and transform it into a vagina. It can be difficult to explain, but there are many good official medical resources that can be helpful to learn more about this.
  • Question
    What if you're both transgender?
    Nico
    Top Answerer
    It doesn't really change much. If you like each other, go on dates and get to know one another. If you don't like each other, stop going on dates.
  • Question
    Does this article work if your partner is nonbinary?
    Nico
    Top Answerer
    Yes. Transgender is an umbrella term for anyone who doesn't identify with the gender they were assigned at birth, so being nonbinary is under the trans umbrella.
  • Question
    Why should we have to alter our hard-coded sexual attractions to appeal to something we aren't sexually attracted to? Sounds like coercion through guilt to me.
    Plant Geek
    Plant Geek
    Community Answer
    You don't. No coercion, no guilt. You're attracted to whomever you're attracted to and, unless they're underage or otherwise unable to give meaningful consent, that's okay. Ideally we wouldn't hate each other for being who we are, or judge people based on some arbitrary categories (race, gender, nationality, religion, ethnicity, etc.). But you don't have to like any particular individual.
  • Question
    Isn't it tricking the other person if you don't tell them you are trans before dating them?
    Nico
    Top Answerer
    No. Cisgender people don't usually tell someone they're cisgender before dating them, and trans people don't have to tell anyone they're trans before dating them (unless they want to). Not telling someone about your sex/body before dating them is not a 'trick.'
  • Question
    Most FTMs are mistakenly misunderstood and treated as gay men, now, if a FTM falls in love with a very beautiful gay man that looks like a woman when in a dress, would they be straight or gay?
    Indira Christian
    Indira Christian
    Community Answer
    Trans people want to be referred to the gender they change to, not a “trans” man or “trans” female, just male or female. The gay man would have been cross dressing, making him cisgender. They would be gay.
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