The Phases of Guilt after Infidelity and How to Recover

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Learn to heal and move towards a brighter future

Written by Charity Danker, LPC | Edited by Cheyenne Main

Last Updated: February 23, 2024 Fact Checked

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Stages of Guilt

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How do you deal with guilt after cheating?

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PTSD and Cheating

The five stages of guilt after cheating, which come from the Kübler-Ross 5 stages of grief, are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The grieving process is super complex and fluid, so these stages are more to give you a general sense of what you might feel than tell you how it’s going to play out. Grief is a natural and normal response to any kind of loss, including relationships after cheating, and there’s no “wrong” way to grieve. In this article, we’ll go through the stages of guilt after cheating and give you advice for healing and dealing with guilt after committing infidelity.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed therapist and certified sex therapist, Charity Danker. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

During the denial phase, the cheating partner might try to deny that they committed infidelity. Some partners may skip this phase and go straight to anger.
The cheating partner may also experience anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance as they try and come to terms with what they did to their partner.
To deal with guilt after cheating, admit to your partner you had an affair, apologize sincerely, forgive yourself, and seek help from others.

Section 1 of 3:

Stages of Guilt

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Denial In this phase, the cheating partner might try to deny that the infidelity happened or cover up the truth as fear, shock, and guilt from cheating start to set in. Their actions might confuse the other partner and make them wonder why the cheater doesn’t seem to feel guilty for what they did.^{[1]
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- Meanwhile, the partner who was cheated on tries to understand the situation. They might not have seen the signs leading up to the reveal of the betrayal and may ask the cheater questions because they’re having trouble believing that it happened.
- When it comes to betrayal, both partners might skip the denial phase and instead flip back and forth between the anger and bargaining stages.
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Anger The cheating partner, deprived of the “high” their affair partner was giving them, might start to feel anxiety and guilt, which turns into anger or frustration at themselves, their partner, or the people around them. They might blame their partner for their infidelity or feel like they’re being pushed into a corner, especially when their partner confronts them about the cheating incident.^{[2]
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- The betrayed partner starts to piece together the reality of the situation. They might feel angry or frustrated at themselves for not seeing the signs earlier, at their partner for letting them down, or at the situation as a whole.
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Bargaining During this phase, the cheating partner might ask to be back in the relationship or act really affectionate towards their partner, which can be confusing to both people. They might not feel truly remorseful yet for causing their partner harm but instead might ask their partner to start their relationship back up again.^{[3]
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- Meanwhile, the partner who was cheated on might feel their emotions, try to provide logical explanations for the infidelity, and get closure prematurely. They may try to rewrite the past by coming up with reasons why the other person cheated.
- In this phase, both partners might decide whether they want to make the relationship work or if they want to move their separate ways.
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Depression The cheating partner fully feels their guilt and all the emotions that come with it. They may feel depressed because they lost the trust and respect of their partner and feel guilty for what they did to their relationship. They might also break up with their affair partner if they decide to stay with their primary partner, which can make them feel depressed.^{[4]
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- The partner who was cheated on finally feels the full impact of the affair, which might go against everything they believed about their relationship. Depression might be a short-term comfort zone as the partner tries to understand what happened.
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Acceptance The cheating partner fully comes to terms with what’s happened and realizes that they can’t control the consequences of their actions. When they lose the life they had before and realize that nothing from their past is within their control, they begin to move forward.^{[5]
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- In this stage, the partner who was cheated on comes to terms with what happened and what it means for their future.
- This stage is the most transformative out of the 5, as both partners shift their focus from the past to the present and the future.

Section 2 of 3:

How do you deal with guilt after cheating?

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Accept that you made a mistake. It can be difficult to overcome guilt after cheating, but one of the first steps is to admit to yourself that you made a mistake. Try to accept that cheating was a choice that you made and that you now have to move forward with it. Look at this experience as an opportunity to grow, not only as a partner but as a person.^{[6]
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- If you haven’t yet and you want to save your relationship, consider telling your partner everything to give them some perspective on the situation and help the two of you heal.
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Tell your partner that you’re sorry and mean it. Apologizing to your partner for cheating on them can be an important first step to take to try and repair your relationship. State what exactly you’re apologizing for, be open and honest about the affair, even if it’s difficult, and be prepared to answer all your partner’s questions.
- Even if you don’t want to repair the relationship, apologizing to your partner can help you overcome your guilt and help them get closure.
- Reader Poll: We asked 634 wikiHow readers who’ve cheated, and 59% of them agreed the biggest challenge in rebuilding trust is dealing with the emotional fallout and broken trust. [Take Poll]
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Show remorse for your actions. While guilt is all about emotion, remorse is about taking action to show that you truly regret your mistake. If you want to stay with your partner, give them time and ask what you can do to help their healing process. You can also try to prove you can be trusted by telling them where you’re going or giving them access to your email and messages.^{[7]
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- If you become fully transparent without complaining, your partner might be more willing to try and make things work.^{[8]
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Seek support from a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Friends and family members who love and support you can listen to your experiences and give you advice, and a therapist or counselor can help you navigate the healing process and avoid dangerous coping mechanisms. You can also join a support group to help you process your feelings and feel less alone.^{[9]
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- A therapist can also help you understand why you might have cheated.
- If your partner is willing, you can also ask them to attend couples counseling with you.
One of the best strategies for dealing with guilt is to turn it into compassion for yourself, and then your loved ones.^{[10]
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Research source} Be gentle to yourself during this emotional time—you’re only human, and humans make mistakes. Try to prioritize self-care, journal about the situation, and focus on the future instead of the past. Those feelings of guilt will fade with time.

Section 3 of 3:

PTSD and Cheating

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The partner who was cheated on might experience PTSD. Some partners might experience posttraumatic stress, especially if they’ve been cheated on over and over. They might feel disoriented or confused by what happened after discovering the affair and have a difficult time moving forward. These reactions are normal and can be alleviated with time and therapy. Other symptoms of PTSD might look like:^{[11]
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- Repeated intrusive thoughts
- Unstable emotional regulation or moods that might cause confusion, irritability, and/or emotional outbursts
- Out-of-body experiences
- Alternating between feeling numb, angry, hurt, shameful, sad, and frustrated
- Feeling powerless and/or broken
- Disorientation or confusion
- A need to reclaim self-worth by assigning blame
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Seek therapy and practice self-care if you have PTSD. To recover from PTSD, consider getting help from a professional who can confirm the diagnosis and lead you down the path to recovery. Spend time with friends and family, eat a healthy diet, exercise, try to get enough sleep, and try relaxation methods like meditation, yoga, or spending time in nature.^{[12]
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University of Rochester Medical Center
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- If both partners decide to stay in the relationship, you might have to put your own needs and grievances aside to help your partner heal and repair trust. Together, you might be able to build a new relationship that can withstand challenges in the future.^{[13]
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