How to Stay Friends with Your Ex

Co-authored by Lisa Shield

Last Updated: March 10, 2023 Approved

Breakups are hard. Losing the companionship of your ex is part what makes breaking up so difficult, especially if you were friends before you started dating. This article will teach you how to determine whether or not you are ready to be friends with your ex, and how to go about establishing a platonic friendship with him or her.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Questions to Consider

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Be sure you are really interested in a platonic relationship. If you want to start a friendship with an ex in the hopes that you will get back together, then you are definitely not ready to be friends. Take some time to seriously consider whether or not you are really ready to be platonic.
- If you are unsure of your feelings, consider this question: How would you feel if you learned that your ex is seeing someone new? If imagining your ex with someone new makes your face turn red with rage, then you are probably not ready to be friends.
If the breakup is still fresh, then you should spend a few weeks, or even a few months, without talking to or seeing your ex on a regular basis. This phase is key in learning to separate the relationship from the friendship, and gives both you and your ex enough time to grieve the breakup.^{[1]
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Don't rush. While you may be eager to see your ex again, be aware that you might still be emotionally dependent on this person. Wait until your feelings for your ex have subsided.
- Focus on your hobbies, close friends, and school/work. Though it may be difficult, you will eventually learn to live happily without having constant contact with your ex.^{[2]
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Part 2

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Reaching Out

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Let your ex know that you want to be friends. Once enough time has passed, contact your ex and let him or her know that you would like to maintain a friendship.^{[3]
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- Send a friendly email, text, or phone call.
If your ex is not ready to be friends, he or she is probably still grieving the loss of the relationship. Don't get upset if this is the case. Give your ex the time he or she needs to cope with the residual feelings from the breakup.^{[4]
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Part 3

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How to Behave Around Your Ex

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Don't meet late at night, or at a place that you used to frequent as a couple. Instead of going out to a candlelit dinner, for instance, meet for a cup of coffee.^{[5]
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This will decrease the likelihood of fighting or getting intimate with your ex.
Avoid bringing up aspects of your old relationship, or talking about the person you are currently dating, if you are seeing someone. Instead, talk about what you have been up to lately, mutual friends, plans for the future, and/or current events in the news or pop culture.
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Be friendly, but not flirtatious. While you want to be nice to your ex, try not to be overly flirtatious or suggestive.
- Dress appropriately. Everybody wants to look good in front of their ex, but dressing too provocatively will send the wrong message.

Part 4

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Things to Avoid

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This will undoubtedly lead to the question of getting back together, and will sabotage your chance of establishing a platonic friendship.
While maintaining a friendship with anyone, ex or not, requires occasional contact via phone or computer, don't start texting or calling your ex on a daily basis.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach

Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.} This will inevitably create a false hope of getting back together.
If either you or your ex is getting too attached and old feelings start to arise, then don't force the friendship. This is probably a sign that the breakup is too fresh, and that you need to spend more time apart.

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Is it hard to stay friends with your ex?

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.

Lisa Shield

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

You have to set really clear boundaries with your relationship to avoid falling back into old patterns.

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Tips

Try to avoid seeking information about your ex via friends or the internet. This will only cause you to obsess and maybe even have your feelings hurt.

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Consider whether or not you still think about your ex constantly. If you do, then you are probably not over the breakup and should not try to establish a friendship yet.

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Wait until you have started dating somebody new before seeing your ex. This will give you more confidence, and help you get over your ex so that you can start to view him or her in a platonic way.

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Warnings

Be prepared to learn that your ex is dating somebody else. While the general rule of thumb is to not talk about a new relationship, your ex might not know that. Prepare yourself for the possibility that he or she has moved on.

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