How to Stop Attracting Selfish People Who Use You

Co-authored by Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA

Last Updated: August 26, 2021 References

Having selfish people in your life can be draining and painful. They may constantly use you for their own benefits, and you might feel as though the agony will never end. These people can be extremely toxic, and they do a lot more harm than good. If you want to stop attracting them, this article will show you how to be more assertive, protect yourself, and discourage selfish people from latching onto you.

Steps

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Research source} There are different factors that could cause selfish people to latch onto you. It could be because of your reputation, especially if you're popular at your school, workplace, etc. Another reason could be that you have desirable traits, such as intelligence or the ability to lead. It could also be because you allow people to step on you, so people see no harm in using you for their own benefit. Selfish people may focus on you because they feel threatened by your strengths or they believe you can be easily manipulated and used.
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Research source} Although you may have good traits, you also have flaws that selfish people may take advantage of, such as a tendency to be gullible or easily persuaded. If you're not careful, even your strengths could turn into your deadliest weaknesses. For instance, if you're a generous person, there is a risk that you could become too kind and allow people to step all over you. Identify any weaknesses that may open up the way for selfish people to target you, and do your best to fix them.

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No matter where you are, there are most likely a few people who won't hesitate to harm others for their own benefit. Being aware of a selfish person's qualities is important, as it helps you identify and avoid them.^{[3]
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Research source} Keep an eye on their behavior. If they always take help without returning it, that is a huge sign that they are only focused on themselves. If you notice that there are selfish people in your life, you may want to be cautious around them and distance yourself from them if possible.
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Research source} Selfish people may push or manipulate you into doing what they want. No matter how many times they try to persuade you, you should firmly tell them no. Avoid giving into a selfish person's demands, as it will only encourage them to continue targeting you. Instead, show them that you are confident and strong enough to resist them. If they continue pursuing you, you may want to consider confronting them and letting them know that their behavior isn't acceptable.
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Limit time spent with selfish people. If you see them frequently, it can be difficult to keep them entirely out of your lives, especially if you work with them. In this case, it's best to limit your interactions and only speak with them if the need arises. When conversing with them, you should stay on topic and avoid being overly friendly with them. Remain neutral and business-like to discourage any attempts at bonding. Once it is no longer necessary to remain with them, immediately leave without lingering around them.
- Learn some exit lines so that you can leave as soon as possible. Examples are, "I'm sorry, but I've got to get back to work" or "I'm in a hurry." Remain firm and quickly leave.
- If they grab you for a friendly conversation, remain neutral and give short statements. While you shouldn't appear too cold, you should avoid being friendly, as this may encourage them to frequently speak with you. As soon as there is a lull in the conversation, quickly make your exit.
One of the ways selfish people use others is by asking them to do small tasks before gradually demanding more. It's hard to escape from them once they latch onto you, so the best move is to avoid them from the start. Although you might feel rude and perhaps selfish for not helping them, remember that your safety and happiness is top priority. Every time they ask you for a favor, firmly tell them no and leave if they continue pressuring you. Consider confronting them if they frequently pursue you.
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Remain private. Some selfish people may try to become close with their victims before taking advantage of their weaknesses. Others may form friendships before realizing that their friends may be a threat to them, and that's when they'll strike against them. In order to keep yourself safe, avoid sharing personal details with selfish people, such as your goals and ambitions. By being private about your life, you give them no reason to target you.^{[5]
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- Try to emotionally distance yourself from a selfish person. Don't let someone else's negative energy dim your positive energy.^{[6]
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  Expert Source
  
  Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
  Life Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.}
Selfish people crave and thrive on attention, as it inflates their ego and encourages their behavior. Rather than giving them what they want, starve them of it to throw them off your back. If they constantly complain about their life or brag about themselves, make a blunt, neutral statement, such as, "Good for you." By showing them that you won't give them attention, they may eventually move on and leave you alone.
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End relationships.^{[7]
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Research source} If you have selfish people in your life, you may want to consider cutting off ties with them, especially if they are doing you more harm than good. There is no point in keeping them around if they're constantly draining you. If you feel that they are capable of changing their ways, you could confront them about their behavior if you wish. Sometimes, they may not even be aware of how they've been acting. However, it's sometimes best to end the friendship, as some selfish people may be impossible to change.
- If they're willing to change, you might want to tell them to get professional help if necessary.
- When confronting a selfish person, it may be wise to bring someone who has witnessed their behavior. If a witness isn't available, consider bringing a trusted friend if you know the selfish person is easily provoked.

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Warnings

There should be a clear differentiation between a friend and a person who is trying to use us.

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Be alert and keep always a professional distance until you are sure that the behavior of the person person is true and altruistic. As time goes on, you'll be able to tell the difference between honest and dishonest people.

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