How to Stop Being Mean to People

Co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Last Updated: October 16, 2024 Approved

If you find yourself being mean to other people, and you want to change your behavior, good for you! While it might seem daunting, it’s actually really easy! You can change your thoughts, feelings, and actions to make yourself a nicer person.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

How to Be Nicer to Others

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1
Use positive body language. Communication is not all about words. Your words can be completely polite while your body language or actions are communicating negativity to others. Negative feelings towards others may be present in your body and send a signal to others that you are unpleasant.
- To have more neutral body language, you may want to try using progressive muscle relaxation—a process by which you tense and then release all of the muscles in your body. This can remove negativity or stress from your body as well as your mind.
Smiling at people can make you seem nicer. People will likely smile back at you, and you may find that you cultivate friendships more easily. Smiling can also help you feel happier. Acting happy with good posture and a big smile can actually boost your mood; your thoughts and feelings respond to the action of smiling.^{[1]
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3
Use assertive expression of your feelings when necessary. Rather than expressing yourself passively (being angry without saying anything) or aggressively (exploding in a way that may seem disproportionate to the situation), try assertive communication. ^{[2]
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Research source} To practice assertive expression, use the facts involved (not exaggerated by emotion) to communicate requests (rather than demands) of others in a respectful way. Communicate clearly and express your feelings effectively so that everyone’s needs are met.
- For example, if your tendency would be to yell at your spouse for not folding your laundry the way you like, you could try assertive expression instead. You might say, “I appreciate your helping me by doing laundry, but it frustrates me that you fold my pants in a way that causes them to wrinkle. I feel unprofessional while wearing wrinkled pants at work. I would really appreciate it if you would fold them more carefully, or if you would just let me wash and fold my own laundry.”
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Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over 12 years of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self-esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York, and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
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If you don't feel quite ready to express yourself without getting upset at the other person, try taking a hot or cold shower or doing a deep breathing exercise to ground yourself and get into a calmer, more rational headspace.
Most people act mean towards others when they themselves feel threatened, demeaned, or bullied. ^{[3]
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Research source} Realizing that when you act mean, it’s really your issue and not someone else’s can help you determine whether your mean words or behavior are appropriate in the situation.^{[4]
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^{[5]
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Research source} Empathy can help you make being kind to others a priority.^{[6]
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Research source} Empathy can take the form of understanding another’s perspective, feeling distress at the plight of another person, and being able to relate to the emotions of another.^{[7]
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Research source} Whichever approach you take, be sure that you focus on understanding and relating to the people that you are speaking to.
Find someone whose words and actions inspire you and imagine how she would act or what she would say in a given situation. Then try to emulate that type of communication yourself.^{[8]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

How to Master Your Emotions

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1
Think about why you act mean. Many people are mean to others in order to feel better about themselves.^{[9]
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Research source} However, this approach may not really be effective, especially if you want to be nicer to others. You might lash out at someone, feel better in the moment, but then feel bad about yourself later for lashing out. Other reasons that you are being mean may include: ^{[10]
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- You cannot handle your own negative emotions, so you lash out at others.
- Your ego feels threatened, so you are mean as a form of defense.
- You envy someone else’s life or accomplishments, so you want to hurt them.^{[11]
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- You are projecting your own negative feelings about yourself on someone else.
- You are trying to make yourself feel unique and distinct from other people by distinguishing differences between you in a mean way.
2
Realize that your thoughts, feelings, and actions are connected. It can be difficult to determine what is a thought and what is a feeling. In fact, the two interrelate: your thoughts affect your feelings. Your feelings, in turn, affect your actions. Thus, if you want to change your actions (or words), you can start by first changing your thoughts.
- For example, if you think, “This guy is an idiot!” you may feel frustrated talking to him, and that will come across in your words and actions. If, however, you think, “This person needs to learn more about the topic,” you might be more inclined to teach him, and your increased patience will come through your words.
- Remember that even when you feel that you cannot control your thoughts or feelings, you can always choose how to act. Each time you speak or act, you are making a choice about what words and actions you use.
3
Gain control of your emotions before you speak. If you are speaking to someone and feel as though you are about to be mean to them, give yourself time to think before you respond. You’re more likely to give the person a productive response (and less likely to be mean) if you allow yourself to use reason first. ^{[12]
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- If you are feeling particularly angry, resentful, hurt, or sad, you may want to wait to talk to others. These emotions can stand in the way of positive communication and cause you to lash out at someone else.
4
Keep a “be nice” journal. Write entries about how you interacted with people throughout the day. If you had incidents in which you were mean, try to recall details about who you were mean to, why you think you were mean, what you said, and what events led up to the incident. If you were able to be nice to others, particularly in situations in which your tendency would normally be to be mean, then reward yourself for “good behavior.” ^{[13]
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- Building a cache of journal entries about your meanness can help you identify whether there are people, events, or environments that seem to “trigger” your tendency to act mean. ^{[14]
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  Research source} Identifying your triggers gives you the opportunity to work towards improving in those situations in the future.
Being able to laugh easily (with people, not at people), can help humor override your tendencies to be mean. If you are beginning to feel impatient and think you might be mean to someone, try to find a reason to laugh. Finding humor in a situation or getting yourself laughing about something else can diffuse the situation by actually changing your body’s chemical reaction from anger or negativity to humor.^{[15]
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6
Sleep well at night. You need to get plenty of sleep (at least 7-8 hours) every night to thrive.^{[16]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

Go to source} Being sleep deprived can contribute to a wide range of health problems, including the inability to manage emotions properly. ^{[17]
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Research source} Getting adequate sleep can help you have the patience and understanding to be nice to others regardless of your emotional state.
- If you have chronic sleep problems, consult your physician or a pharmacist about safe sleep aids. Alternately, making dietary changes, such as reducing caffeine and sugar consumption, or lifestyle changes, such as reducing nighttime screen time, may enable you to sleep better at night.
7
Meditate before potentially stressful events or conversations. Meditation can help you regulate your emotions, which can help you be nicer. ^{[18]
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Research source} If you are feeling as though you might be unkind to someone due to feeling angry or impatient, give yourself a little mental refresher through meditation. Find a private, quiet place, then follow the following sequence: ^{[19]
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American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists

Go to source}
- Breathe deeply and slowly. Deep breaths can slow your heart rate and make you feel calmer. Your breaths should be deep enough that your belly extends outwards on the “in” breath.
- Picture a golden-white light filling your body as you breathe in. Picture that light filling and relaxing your mind. When you breathe out, visualize dark, muddy colors leaving your body.
- Once you are calm from your meditation, you should feel more ready to speak to others in a kind way.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

How to Improve Your Overall Mood

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Taking care of yourself by indulging in activities that make you happy can help you be nicer to others as well.^{[20]
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Research source} Doing something you enjoy can improve your mood by distracting you from a bad mood. If you can control your mood, you’re more likely to make reasoned decisions (not emotional decisions) about how to communicate with others.
2
Give yourself time alone. Particularly if you are an introvert,^{[21]
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Research source} you may need to make time alone with yourself from time to time. This can help you be nicer to others because you will feel more refreshed. This can be of particular benefit if your loved ones are the recipients of your mean behavior; taking a break from them may help you be nicer to them.^{[22]
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- Sometimes, you might find yourself being mean because you're emotionally overwhelmed. If that happens, you might need to take a break from the people you're around for a little while.^{[23]
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  Expert Source
  
  Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
  Licensed Psychologist
  
  Expert Interview. 11 March 2021.}
Studies have shown that having vicarious experiences through others (which happens with both reading and watching well-known characters on a favorite TV show) can make you feel happier.^{[24]
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Science Direct
Online archive of peer-reviewed research on scientific, technical and medical topics

Go to source} People also experience catharsis, or a second-hand release of emotions, by experiencing events through fictional characters. Releasing emotions in a controlled environment in that way can help you control your emotions in real life.
4
Exercise. There is a strong connection between moderate exercise and improved mood. Regular exercise can also help you regulate your emotions in general. ^{[25]
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Research source} All of this can help lead to you feeling happier, which can help you be nicer to others.
- Consider practicing yoga. It combines physicality and mindfulness, so it has the benefits of both exercise and meditation. If you can’t get to a yoga studio, try streaming an internet yoga video or downloading a yoga application to your mobile device.^{[26]
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- If you are feeling whimsical, you might try dancing to feel better. Dancing both gives you a bit of an exercise boost and activates the pleasure centers of your brain.^{[27]
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- You may find that getting daily exercise gives you more overall energy, which can help you be productive and patient without getting irritated with other people.
5
Eat a healthy meal or snack. Being hungry can make you feel irritable, which can lead you to lash out at others. Eating a nutritious diet full of whole foods can make you feel healthier and happier.
- Include whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and protein in your diet.^{[28]
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  Research source} Getting healthy fats can also make you feel full longer.
- Avoid fat-free and overly processed foods. These often lack adequate nutrition and may leave you feeling dissatisfied.
- Anti-inflammatory foods and those containing Omega-3 fatty acids may particularly contribute to your feeling happier. Some specific foods that fall into this category include leafy greens, avocado, asparagus, walnuts, dark chocolate, and green tea.
6
Socialize with a friend. You may be venting your frustrations on others because you feel isolated.^{[29]
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Research source} Spending time with friends in person can be a great way to improve your mood if you are feeling disconnected from others. ^{[30]
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Research source} Go to an early or late lunch, happy hour at your favorite bar, or dinner. If eating out isn’t in your budget, go for a walk with them or visit your local park and sit on the swings and talk.
- If you’re unable to get together in person, talking on the phone and having a 2-way conversation (particularly with a funny friend!) can improve your mood quickly.

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Why do I keep snapping at everyone?

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

If you're being mean and you don't want to be mean, it's probably because you're emotionally overwhelmed and you're losing control. If that happens, you need to take a break to regain control and let your nervous system calm down.

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Be a good listener. Listen when other people are talking to you.

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Be the bigger person; you do not have to be mean because someone else is being mean to you.

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Tell yourself constantly that you're a nice person so that your mind begins to accept that you are. Change your behavior accordingly to fit these new standards. Thinking you're one of the "good people" instead of a "bad person" can really make a difference to how you act. Your mind will react positively.

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Try wearing a piece of jewelry that acts as a reminder to cool down and be nicer. For example, you might wear a special ring that someone gave you to remind you that other people are kind, and you can be kind, too.
Look for little ways to help other people. They may not seem like much in the moment, but they add up and make you a better person overall.

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