How to Stop Yourself from Beating Someone You Hate Up

Co-authored by Jacqueline House, LMFT-A

Last Updated: September 8, 2024 References

Having strong feelings of hatred towards someone can cause you to want to harm him if you become angry. However, beating someone up is unlikely to solve any problems and could come back to haunt you in the form of guilt, a bad reputation, or even a lawsuit. Being able to control your emotions and resolve a conflict can help you find a nonviolent means of dealing with your emotions.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Calming Down

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1
Take deep breaths. To benefit from the potential relaxation of deep breathing, you need to take deep breaths into your abdomen. Place your hand on your diaphragm (between your belly and chest) and breathe so deeply that your hand moves as your belly begins to expand. Then slowly breathe out.^{[1]
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- Keep your focus on your breath, breathing in and out 8-10 times or until you feel like you have regained control of your emotions.
2
Use progressive muscle relaxation. Progressive muscle relaxation involves tensing and releasing your body in progressive stages. Consciously tensing your own muscles can help you redirect the outlet of the anger you’re feeling. ^{[2]
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Research source} To practice progressive muscle relaxation, take a few deep breaths, then do the following: ^{[3]
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- Begin with your face and head muscles. Hold the tension for 20 seconds, then release it.
- Work your way down your body, tensing and releasing your shoulders, arms, back, hands, stomach, legs, feet, and toes.
- Take deep breaths, feeling relaxation from your toes all the way up to your head.
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3
Speak to yourself positively. Repeat a helpful mantra such as “I can control my actions” to yourself. Try to reframe your negative thoughts towards the person in a more positive way. Changing your thinking (known as “cognitive restructuring”) from focusing on unreasonably negative or angry thoughts to more realistic, positive thinking may help you resist violent actions. ^{[4]
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- For example, instead of thinking “I hate this person and I want to beat him up,” you can think, “I do not care to spend time with this person, but I am above violent behavior.”
Finding a pleasant distraction from the person who is making you angry can help you move on and maintain control of your actions. A distracting activity can be something you enjoy such as playing a video game, shopping, going for a walk, engaging in a hobby, or playing a game of pool with a friend.
5
Remind yourself that it’s not worth it. Even if you think you may feel some genuine satisfaction from punching someone you hate, it is unlikely to make you feel better the way you think it will. Additionally, you could end up getting arrested or sued for assault, which could be expensive and time-consuming.
- You might say to yourself, “This guy, even though he is irritating me, is not worth my time. I cannot afford to lose time at work to be in jail or at a trial, and I am not willing to give this guy power over my walk. I am going to walk away instead of engaging with him.
If you are going to be in a situation where you may be around someone you don’t like, do not consume alcohol. Alcohol consumption can interfere with reason and hinder your ability to control your actions effectively.
7
Leave the area. Get away from the person that you want to beat up. If you feel very angry, it’s better to just walk off (even without telling anyone why) and give yourself time to cool down than to get into a physical altercation.
- If you are with a friend, decide whether it would be better for you to be alone or to talk through your anger with your friend.
- If possible, try taking a walk in nature, since that can help you calm down.

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Dealing with Your Anger

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1
Practice becoming self-aware. Knowing when you are going to lose it and possibly turn violent can help you stop yourself before you lose control. Monitor your thoughts and your physical body for signs of oncoming anger. You might be on your way to violence if you begin to feel:
- Tense muscles and clenched jaw
- Headache or stomachache
- Increased heart rate
- Sudden sweating or shaking
- A dizzy feeling
2
Work on developing impulse control. Most people do not plan to engage in physical violence; it happens in the moment as a response to strong emotions or as a result of escalating conflict. You can prevent yourself from responding to a trigger with violence if you strengthen your impulse control. Some strategies for developing or strengthening your impulse control include:^{[5]
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- Practice delayed gratification. Practicing delayed gratification in other areas can actually help you develop impulse control generally. For example, if you always sit down and watch your favorite show as soon as you get home from work, try pushing the habit back an hour and getting a bit of housecleaning done first. Accepting this delay will develop your willpower.
- Develop “if-then” scenarios ahead of time.^{[6]
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  Go to source} For example, you might decide ahead of time, “if this person insults me or my friends, I will walk away.”
- Strengthen your body. Some studies have linked strengthening your muscles and body through regular exercise to increased impulse control and willpower.^{[7]
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- Realizing what your triggers are can help you work through them and become more accepting. As a preventive measure, experiment with grounding techniques. Center yourself and identify what makes you angry so you can work our way through it.
3
Acknowledge your feelings. Accept that you dislike someone and that you feel angry whenever you are around him. Know that that’s okay. You may not be able to change the way that you think or feel about another person, but you can always choose how to act towards him. Each time you speak or act, you are making a choice about what words and actions you use.
- For example, you can think to yourself, “I do not like this person. The way he is talking to me and my friends makes me want to beat him up. It is normal to feel angry and to dislike people, but I will not let him get the best of me by drawing me into a physical altercation.
4
Get some moderate exercise. Exercise can help you get your “angry energy” out. It can also help you feel better by triggering endorphins in your brain, which are neurotransmitters that make you feel happier.^{[8]
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- Consistent exercise can help regulate your emotions and strengthen impulse control over time as well as making you feel better in the moment.^{[9]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Practicing Conflict Resolution

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A conflict occurs when a difference in opinion escalates to the point of interfering with an interpersonal relationship. There are often strong emotions associated with conflicts. Conflicts generally don’t go away on their own without specifically dealing with them.^{[10]
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^{[11]
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Go to source} Even if you feel that you dislike or hate the person with whom you are in conflict, it may be the conflict itself that is causing you to feel that way. Framing your approach to conflict resolution with the idea of helping your relationship with the person
Staying calm will help you listen and respond reasonably to other people’s perspectives.^{[12]
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Go to source} Remaining calm will also likely keep the conflict from escalating, as the other person involved in the conflict may respond positively to your calm demeanor.
4
Keep your emotions in check. This can be quite difficult, but it is important to maintain control over your emotions when involved in a conflict. This does not mean that you can’t feel or even express your emotions; it just means that you shouldn’t allow your emotions to inform your actions or demeanor.
- Additionally, being aware of your own emotions can help you understand the emotions of other parties involved in conflict. This can help you sympathize with others’ perspectives.^{[13]
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Again, this can sometimes be difficult if you are in conflict with someone who you don’t like. However, accepting and allowing for the feelings of the other person involved in a conflict can help you resolve a conflict. It helps you understand why the person may be acting the way he is. Acknowledging another’s feelings aloud can help him see that you understand where he is coming from, which may de-escalate the situation.
Some conflict arises from a difference of opinion that may not be resolved. It is possible to remain respectful towards someone even if you do not reach an agreement about a specific conflict.
The key to finding a solution or resolution to your conflict involves working together to identify the specific problems and brainstorming for solutions together. This may involve some flexibility and negotiation, but if both (or all) parties are willing to work together to find a solution, it is likely that you can find one.

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Getting Professional Help

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1
Determine whether you have a problem with anger. If you feel inclined to beat someone up, you could have an anger problem. While anger can be healthy, it can also be unhealthy. You may need to deal with an anger problem through self-help or professional help if the following are true:
- Insignificant things make you very angry.
- When you’re angry, you display aggressive behaviors, including yelling, screaming, or hitting.
- The problem is chronic; it happens over and over again.
- When you are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, your temper gets worse and your behavior more violent.
2
Learn to meditate. Meditation can help you regulate your emotions. ^{[14]
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Research source} If you feel that you are overly focused on your negative feelings for another person, give yourself a little mental vacation through meditation. Meditating regularly can help you control your emotions, which can help you maintain control over your actions.^{[15]
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- Take slow, deep breaths. Maintaining this breathing will likely bring down your elevated heart rate. Your breaths should be deep enough that your belly extends on the “in” breath.
- Visualize a golden-white light filling your body as you breathe in, relaxing your mind. When you breathe out, visualize muddy or dark colors leaving your body.
- Making a habit of meditating every morning, even when you're not angry, will make you feel more calm in general.
3
Take an anger management class. Anger management programs have been proven to be highly successful. ^{[16]
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American Psychological Association
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Go to source} Effective programs help you understand anger, develop short-term strategies to deal with anger, and build your emotional control skills. There are many options available for finding a program that is right for you. ^{[17]
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- Individual programs may be available in your area for specific age groups, occupations, or life situations.
- To find an anger management program that is right for you, try searching online for “anger management class” plus the name of your city, state, or region. You can also look for appropriate programs by asking your physician or therapist, or consulting the self-improvement course offerings at your local community center.
4
Seek therapy. The best way to learn to keep yourself from beating up other people is to identify and treat the root of your anger. A therapist can give you relaxation techniques to use while dealing with people you dislike. She can help you develop emotional coping skills and communication training. ^{[18]
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American Psychological Association
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Go to source} Additionally, a psychoanalyst who specializes in helping resolve problems from someone’s past (such as neglect or abuse from childhood) can help mitigate anger tied to past events. ^{[19]
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- You can search for a therapist specializing in anger management in North America here and in the United Kingdom here.

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Question

How do you calm down when you're angry?

Jacqueline House, LMFT-A
Marriage and Family Therapist Associate
Jacqueline House is a Marriage and Family Therapist Associate. She specializes in using Solution Focused Brief Therapy, Collaborative Therapy, ACT Therapy, and Narrative Therapy to help her patients through problems such as anxiety and life transitions. Jacqueline earned a BA in Philosophy from Texas A&M University and an MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Our Lady of the Lake University.

Jacqueline House, LMFT-A

Marriage and Family Therapist Associate

Expert Answer

Try the 54321 technique—it can help you ground yourself. Focus on 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. Breathing in and out through your diaphragm for 15 seconds can also help.

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