How to Stop Giving Unsolicited Advice

Co-authored by Tasha Rube, LMSW and Caroline Heiderscheit

Last Updated: April 22, 2024 References

VIDEO

Unwanted advice: it can frustrate the recipient, create distance in relationships, and leave friends feeling like they've dropped the ball. Unsolicited advice is a huge problem in tons of friendships, but how can you deal with it in a healthy way? Maybe you struggle to stop giving your unwanted opinion, or maybe you constantly get unwelcome advice from others. We're going to walk you through all of the basics. We'll cover how to address your situation, why unwanted advice happens, and why it can be harmful. Read on for your complete guide on how to stop unwanted advice!

Things You Should Know

Understand your motivation. Unsolicited advice-giving often comes from a desire to help or control the situation. It can also come from overconfidence.
Engage in active listening instead of advice-giving. If you want to say something, try asking a question or supporting your friend's feelings.
Ask your friend how you can help. In some cases, your friend may want advice, but you won't know unless you ask.
Disengage or set boundaries if you find yourself on the receiving end of unsolicited advice.

Section 1 of 4:

Can unsolicited advice be damaging?

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Unwanted advice can harm the recipient and your relationship. Most of the time, unwanted advice doesn't feel great to receive. And actually, the damage goes even deeper. Unwelcome advice can drive wedges in relationships, especially if the adviser's motivations seem iffy. So yes, offering advice without invitation can damage your friend's feelings and the friendship you share.^{[1]
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- Advice can feel like criticism, and it can make the recipient feel patronized.^{[2]
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- Unwanted advice might communicate that the advice-giver believes they know more than the person they're offering advice to.
- If it’s a repeated habit, unsolicited advice could seriously harm a relationship. One friend might end up feeling more than just disrespected—they could feel unheard and misunderstood, too.

Section 2 of 4:

Why do people give unsolicited advice?

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Unwanted advice is usually about helping, control, or over-confidence. Understanding the motivations behind someone else’s (or your own) reason for offering unwanted advice can be super helpful. If you're the one offering it, knowing your own reasoning can help you curb the habit ("I know that I just want to help, but I need to remember my friend will be happier if I just listen").^{[3]
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- Helping: Some people just want their friends to get better, do better, or feel better—so they can't help but to try and offer them guidance. At the end of the day, these people mean well.
- Anxiety and control: Again, many people give unsolicited advice out of love. They may hate watching their friends struggle, and because of that, they feel powerless or anxious about it. So offering advice helps them feel like at least they're doing something.
- Over-confidence: Some people might just feel like they know best. If they feel certain that their opinion is correct, it can be hard not to share it with people who could benefit from it.

Section 3 of 4:

How To Stop Giving Unsolicited Advice

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Make listening your first priority. Advice isn’t always helpful, but you know what is? Listening. Offering an empathetic ear is easy, helpful, and you can’t get it wrong. To keep yourself from piping in with unwanted advice, make this your top goal. Focus on not interrupting, making eye contact, and being patient while they get out everything they’d like to say. Encourage them to keep talking, too:^{[4]
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- “Oh wow. That’s wild! Keep going.”
- “No way, I didn’t know that. What happened next?”
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Ask questions instead of offering answers. When they bring up their plans, it may be tempting to jump in with your own ideas. Instead, help your friend investigate their own thoughts and feelings. Ask them more about their situation, what they want out of it, and how they might plan on proceeding. This way, they'll decide on their own, and you'll help them get there!^{[5]
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- “So what’s the best outcome for you in this situation?”
- “Are you more invested in getting what you want now or later?”
- “Oh, that sounds like a great way to handle things. How will you go about that?”
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Support their feelings. Unsolicited advice isn't helpful, but sympathizing with a friend's emotions can do them a lot of good. Offer your friend some empathy, and they may feel more empowered to handle things on their own. Listen carefully to understand how your friend is feeling. Then, validate those feelings. If you can’t figure it what they feel, ask your friend directly.^{[6]
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- “Wow, I think I’d find that so tough. What have you been feeling?”
- “It sounds like you might be a little angry—do I have that right?"
- “If you’re feeling a little sad about this, I think that that’s totally understandable. I’d be the same way.”
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Ask them how you can help. Whether it's advice, room to vent, or comfort, a lot of the time, people want a specific kind of help from their friends. Maybe this person just wants you to listen, but you're offering advice—this could leave you both feeling frustrated. Ask your friend directly to what you can do to help them. If they want advice, they'll tell you. ^{[7]
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- “Hey, this sounds like a lot to deal with. How can I help?”
- “I want to make sure I’m giving you exactly what you need. Are you looking more for advice or to vent? I can do either one!”
- “I could lend you my perspective if you want that, but I can also just listen. I just want to make sure this conversation is helpful for you.”

Section 4 of 4:

How to Respond to Unsolicited Advice

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“That’s a really interesting idea, I’ll think about that.” Maybe you’re not looking to start a conflict, and you’d rather just brush off the unwanted advice. Using a polite tone, give a super brief comment on their opinion (but don’t ask them more about it). If you move on to a new topic directly after, there’s a good chance they won’t follow up. You can also try:^{[8]
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- “Hmmm. Yeah, I see what you mean. I was actually thinking about doing this instead…”
- “Right, I get what you’re saying. I’ll consider that. Anyway, have you heard about…”
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“I’m just looking to vent, and I’m not really interested in advice.” Steer your friend towards a more helpful path. If you feel like this pal probably does have your best interest at heart, let them know how they can make you feel better, not worse. Say this in a gentle tone, and there’s no reason they should be offended. You just effectively communicated your needs!^{[9]
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- “You know what I actually would love right now? Just for you to listen. I don’t think I’m thinking about what to do yet.”
- “It would make my day if I could just get all of this off my chest right now. Could we not go into advice or how to proceed just yet?”
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“That doesn’t sound like it would help me meet my goals.” Shut down unwanted advice by letting them know that you don’t think their take has a ton of value for you. Especially if you get the sense that this person doesn’t have your best interest at heart, politely explain that you’re not going to take their advice. Respectfully say that it doesn’t align with your values, desires, or personal goals.^{[10]
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- “Hmmm. Thanks for your input, but it doesn’t sound like something I would do. It doesn’t really align with my values.”
- “I see what you’re going for, but it doesn’t sound like that would actually help me get what I want in this situation.”
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“I need to set a boundary; this isn’t something I want advice on.” Maybe this person has a history of unwanted advice, maybe you don’t trust their intentions, or maybe it’s a serious issue where their advice is inappropriate. Whatever the case, explain to your friend that their opinion isn't welcome. Communicate your boundary and ask them to respect it in the future.^{[11]
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- “This is about my kid, and it’s a super delicate issue. I actually don’t want any advice on this in the future.”
- “Going forward, I really don’t want advice unless I ask for it. I feel belittled when I receive advice I didn’t ask for.”
- “I’ve asked you a few times not to give advice unless I ask for it. I’m setting a boundary here, can you try to respect that?”