How to Be Nice to a Mean Person

Co-authored by Tami Claytor and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: April 19, 2024 References

When you’re forced to deal with a mean person, it can be a little jarring when they talk down to you or make mean comments. However, killing them with kindness can actually make you feel better, and it could improve the way you two interact in the future. We’ve compiled a comprehensive list of ways you can be nice to a mean person, even when you’re caught off guard by their behavior.

1

Keep your voice calm.

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If you feel yourself getting worked up, try to at least keep your tone neutral. It’s no wonder why you might feel a little stressed when someone is being mean to you. However, if your goal is to be nice to them, try not to yell, and don’t snap at them when you’re talking.^{[1]
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2

Take a deep breath.

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This can help you stay calm and feel more relaxed. When you’re talking to a mean person and they start to get to you, take a deep breath in through your nose. Slowly let it out through your mouth and try to calm your body and your mind.^{[2]
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- If you’re feeling stressed or worked up after talking to a mean person, take a deep breath in and count to 10 before letting it out.
- Reader Poll: We asked 677 wikiHow readers, and 50% of them admitted that they typically respond to negative emotions by lashing out at others. [Take Poll] Instead, try taking deep breaths to calm yourself.

3

Listen to what they have to say.

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Listening is a good way to calm someone down and make them feel heard. Try not to brush them off right away, even if they’re being rude. Even mean people have points to make sometimes, they just might not know how to say it nicely. Try to interpret their words as best you can instead of ignoring them outright.^{[3]
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- You can try saying something like, “So what you’re saying is…” to make sure you understand what they mean.

4

Look into their eyes as they talk.

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When you’re chatting with someone who’s generally a little cranky, try to catch their eye and hold it. Usually, you’ll notice that they won’t be as rude as usual if you keep eye contact the whole time.^{[4]
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5

Try to see things from their perspective.

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Think about what might be affecting their mood. Maybe they’re having a bad day, or maybe they’ve had a tough life. If you can put yourself in their shoes, you might be able to have a little more compassion and understanding for them, which can lead to being nicer.^{[5]
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- You might never fully understand mean people, and that’s okay. Give them the benefit of the doubt to maintain your sanity and make the world seem a little more kind.

6

Ask yourself if you’re misinterpreting things.

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Sometimes, we take things the wrong way. If you’re chatting with a friend or coworker and they say something mean, pause and ask yourself if you’re misinterpreting them. Their tone of voice or their words might have sounded mean in the moment, but it could be that they didn’t intend to sound that way.^{[6]
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Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices

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- For instance, maybe a friend says, “You’re so weird.” Are they actually being mean, or are they calling you weird as a term of endearment?
- Or, maybe a colleague tells you, “You need to have those reports done by the end of the day.” They might have sounded mean to you, but actually, they were just telling you the facts so that you don’t get in trouble.

7

Have a few friends nearby.

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A support system can really help dampen the blow of a mean person. If you know you’re going to be interacting with someone who’s rude, ask a few friends or coworkers to stay beside you while you do it. Hopefully, they can help you ward off mean comments and exit the situation as fast as possible.^{[7]
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StopBullying.gov
Website run by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services providing information related to identifying and preventing bullying

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- You won’t always have the chance to bring a buddy along when you encounter a rude person, but when you can, it really helps!

8

Focus on what you can control.

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You can’t change their words, but you can change your reaction. Keep your mind on your responses, and try to focus on your own actions. That way, you’ll feel a little more in control of the situation.^{[8]
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- For instance, after a mean comment, you might think, “Wow, I could really make a nasty remark back right now. But, I’m going to be the bigger person and just laugh that one off.”
- If a stranger was rude to you, just remember that's all they are—a stranger. Their words and actions have no bearing on your life.^{[9]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Tami Claytor
  Etiquette Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.}

9

Try to see the humor in it.

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Turning their meanness into a joke can help you handle it better. If they make a mean comment, try thinking about the funny way they phrased it. Or, think about how much effort it must take them to find the negative in every situation. If you can laugh it off a little, you can let their comments roll off your back.^{[10]
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- You can even respond to their mean comments with something funny! For instance, if they say something like, “I hate that shirt you’re wearing,” you might say, “Wow, I didn’t know you were so involved in the fashion world. Got any more tips for me?”

10

Call out their mean behavior.

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Sometimes, a mean person is just too much to handle. If you’ve been putting up with rude comments or quips for a while now, you’re well within your rights to ask the person to stop. You can either call them out in the moment or have a private conversation with them later letting them know you don’t appreciate their behavior.^{[11]
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Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices

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- To call them out in the moment, try something like, “Hey, that wasn’t very nice.”
- If a friend was mean to you, calmly explain how it made you feel. You might say, "What you said really upset me, but I value our friendship. Can we talk about making sure this doesn't happen again?"^{[12]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Tami Claytor
  Etiquette Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.}

11

Try not to overextend yourself.

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Being nice to a mean person can be draining. If you’re finding it too hard to kill them with kindness, you can always try to distance yourself from them as much as possible. Keep your interactions short and walk away as soon as you can so that you don’t have to talk to them often.^{[13]
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Mental Health Foundation
UK charity working towards good mental health for all.

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- Just try not to stoop down to their level and start making mean comments back. This probably won’t make you feel any better, and it can make your relationship with this person much worse.

Expert Q&A

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Question

How do you respond when a friend is mean?

Tami Claytor
Etiquette Coach
Tami Claytor is an Etiquette Coach, Image Consultant, and the Owner of Always Appropriate Image and Etiquette Consulting in New York, New York. With over 20 years of experience, Tami specializes in teaching etiquette classes to individuals, students, companies, and community organizations. Tami has spent decades studying cultures through her extensive travels across five continents and has created cultural diversity workshops to promote social justice and cross-cultural awareness. She holds a BA in Economics with a concentration in International Relations from Clark University. Tami studied at the Ophelia DeVore School of Charm and the Fashion Institute of Technology, where she earned her Image Consultant Certification.

Tami Claytor

Etiquette Coach

Expert Answer

I would first take a few minutes to calm down and collect your thoughts. Then, let them know how you feel. For example, you could say, "What you said really hurt my feelings, but I value our friendship a lot. Can we talk about this?"

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It's important to pick your battles. Even if someone is being mean to you and you know it's unjust and wrong, sometimes you need to just brush it off and move along.^{[14]
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Tami Claytor
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Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.}

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