How to Tame a Free Spirit

Reviewed by Seth Hall

Last Updated: September 30, 2024 Approved

Do you yearn for the devotion of someone who's fiercely independent or loves everything out of the ordinary? The key to sharing a wild soul is to make them feel like they can be freer with you than with anybody else.

Understand what attracts you to this person. Free spirits like to flow through life following their whims; things like punctuality, precautions, and other minor details will be of no concern to an independent mind. This often makes them extremely creative and fascinating individuals, which is probably what attracts you to them in the first place. By imposing dams, as little as they may be, you could very well suffocate the qualities that make this person desirable to you. (That is, if you don't manage to scare them off first.)

Keep this in mind as you implement the following steps.

Steps

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You don't have to come right out and say it, but be sure to make it clear that your free spirit is free to come and go as (s)he pleases. This will build your free spirit's trust.
Restrictions are like chains, and will send this wild horse running for the horizon. Instead of saying, "Don't ever cheat on me," ask, "Would you really risk losing an awesome person like me just to get a little extra on the side?" Make it clear that if they cross any lines, they’re the one who will be missing out.

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What do you want most out of the relationship? Commitment? Respect? Honesty? Affection? Companionship? Passion? Security? Stability? Can you narrow it down to two or three? A free spirit will not go out of their way to meet your every need. (It may happen later, but only once there is complete trust.) Set realistic goals by asking for the things you want most out of a relationship — and expecting nothing else.
Some can be what you might consider inconsequential little quirks. Many of them may not be your fault. Just hang in there. If something is happening in your free spirits life that has to do with you, and if it's making their life a little more difficult, don't give up. They may back off for a while, even threaten breaking up. Don't try to convince them not to, but don't go along with it either. If they try to break up, just tell them you don't want to. Say how good you guys are together. If they end up breaking up with you, refrain from moving on right away. This might hurt, but they could change their mind. Quickly.
Study their tendencies, their quirks, their deepest desires, and their worst fears. Always be accepting and open-minded. Knowledge is power; the better you know this person, the less you'll feel the need to control them. With time, moreover, this will make you seem like the only person who really gets it (and, by extension, the only person they can be their uninhibited self around). To a free spirit, this is the jackpot.
If a problem doesn't directly threaten the priorities you’ve established, then let it go and just enjoy the ride. For example, if they're 15 minutes late and you end up missing a movie, roll with the punches and see the next one; however, if they're 45 minutes late to pick you up in the middle of the night in a bad neighborhood, there's a serious discussion to be had.
A person who values their independence will truly test your ability to trust. You need to determine early on whether or not you can trust this person; if you feel you can, then trust them completely or not at all. Sure, you might get burned, but you also might capture the heart of a person that no one else could touch.
Don't sit at home wondering what they’re doing or when they're going to call. Get in your car and take a road trip. Visit an old friend. Watch a new movie. Taste a different kind of food. Your free spirit will respect you for it and feel a sense of kinship with you when you both get home and recount your adventures.
The number one thing that all free spirits demand from their relationships is acceptance; without that, a free-spirited person suffers an assault on their freedom. You should also make sure that you aren't too demanding or compulsive however much you love him/her; it usually gives them the creeps. Only when you accept them for exactly who they are can they trust you — and only in that trust can a beautiful relationship develop. Just remember that independence is something to be appreciated, not just tolerated; with love and understanding, you'll be giving a free spirit exactly the kind of nourishment that it needs.

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Tips

Don't try to change this person. This is a classic mistake in any kind of relationship, but it’s especially important when you're dealing with a rugged individual.

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Free spirits don't like being judged, which will make them back off or even vanish. Be careful with your words and actions. But once you meet them on the same level (learn to accept them as they are) they can become the most extraordinary individuals you have ever met.

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Give them time to themselves and their projects. Sometimes you just have to let them walk a path alone, letting them know you'll be there when they get to the end.

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Warnings

If all else fails, try to enjoy the free spirit from afar. Support their activities and communicate that you appreciate their decisions. Sometimes it is hard to be a free spirit (not everyone accepts them as they are, meaning sensitivity can often be an issue), so encouragement can be a nice change.

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In many ways, you cannot truly tame a free spirit. What you can do is encourage this person to make you a part of their freedom.

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Just because you're inviting a free spirit into your life doesn't mean you need to do dangerous things like practice unsafe sex, do drugs, ride a motorcycle with no helmet, etc. Not every free spirit is trustworthy (just like not every "normal" person is trustworthy); some cannot be tamed and others are simply selfish.

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Don't assume that a free spirit is "up for anything". Respect their limits; just because they’re different from yours doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

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