How to Date a Hopelessly Romantic Person When You Are Not Hopelessly Romantic

Co-authored by Crista Beck

Last Updated: December 3, 2024 References

People have different styles of loving. Some, for example, focus on pleasing others, some are self-centered game players, some focus on love as a deep friendship, and some, those often called "hopeless romantics," look for love that focuses on passion, grand romantic gestures, and intense closeness. If you are not hopeless romantic, but are in a relationship with one, you may feel that the relationship is doomed to failure. In fact, if you are willing to make a little extra effort, your relationship with this person can not only survive your differences, but can be very fulfilling for both you and your partner. These instructions will provide a starting point for making your relationship with a hopeless romantic work.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Appreciating Your Differences

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1
Understand your differences. Psychologists have identified at least three different primary "love styles" based on friendship, passion, and game playing. Some suggest there may be as many six different ways of experiencing the condition of being in love, and that most people experience love as a blend of two or more of these. Spend some time thinking about what love means to you, and what it means to your partner.
- Psychologist John Lee argues that there are six love styles: eros (romantic/passionate love), Ludos (love as a game), Storge (love as deep friendship), Pragma (love as a useful arrangement), Mania (love as obsession), and Agape (love as selflessness). Think about which style or styles best fit you, and which best fit your partner.
- If your partner is a romantic but you are not, that doesn't mean you love your partner less, it just means you experience love differently.
- Understanding and appreciating your differences is important in any romantic relationship.^{[1]
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Try to relate. Try to put yourself in your partner's place, and understand their way of seeing things.
- If you and your partner have different approaches to communicating your feelings, consider whether your way of communicating is getting the message across.
- For you, mowing the lawn or doing some other chore for your partner might be a way of saying "I love you," but consider your partner's perspective: is he or she receiving that message from your actions?
- Your needs are valid, but so are your partner's, so it's important to consider whether or not you're communicating your feelings in a way she or he understands.
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Enjoy the attention. Dating a romantic can be very fulfilling. Try to focus on the perks instead of the extra effort you may have to make.
- Your partner will probably make an extra effort to remember what you like, to do fun, spontaneous things with you, and to cheer you up when you are feeling sad.^{[2]
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- Additionally, most of the time, the primary thing your partner will want in return is to be loved by you.^{[3]
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- None of this means you don't have to do anything nice in return, but it does mean you are lucky enough to have a partner who really enjoys being with you and wants you to feel the same.

Part 2

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Keeping Your Partner Happy

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1
Don't take your partner for granted. In any relationship, it's important to take the time to value the nice things your partner does for you, and to make that gratitude known to him or her.^{[5]
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- This is especially important when dating a hopeless romantic. He or she will likely try to do lots of things to make you feel happy and loved. If you don't appreciate this, your partner will eventually move on.^{[6]
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- This can be as simple as telling your partner how much you appreciate the things they do for you, especially after they have done something particularly nice.
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Keep it fun. Sharing new experiences is good for any relationship, because it keeps the relationship exciting and fun.^{[7]
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- Again, this is especially important when dating a hopeless romantic, who is likely to enjoy spontaneity. A romantic will try to create little surprises to let you know you are loved,^{[8]
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- For example, plan a trip to a place neither of you have been to before, or take a class together that focuses on an activity that's new to both of you.
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Negotiate. Every lasting relationship involves negotiation and honest sharing of your feelings. If you are having trouble finding a middle ground with your partner where you can both feel fulfilled, take some time to have an honest conversation about your expectations.
- Try figuring out each other's love languages! You and your partner might have different love languages, such as quality time, gifts, touch, acts of service, or words of affirmation.^{[9]
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- Be open about your feelings, without ascribing blame. Phrases like "I feel," I'd like it if," "I really want," and so forth are great because they promote openness without the blame that comes with a phrase like "you make me feel."^{[10]
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- Ask for space if you need it. Some people need more time alone than others, and there's nothing wrong with that. Be gentle, but direct in explaining this. As you do this though, it's a good idea to let you partner know that this isn't about them, it's about your needs. Reaffirm your commitment to the relationship as you ask for space.^{[11]
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- Let your partner know that it's okay to express his or her emotions, too. Tell her or him that their feelings are important to you.
- When your partner talks, really listen, don't just wait your turn to talk.^{[12]
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  Research source} This means making eye-contact, trying to put aside distracting thoughts, and checking in from time to time to make sure you are getting the message your partner is trying to communicate.^{[13]
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- Look for a compromise. If your partner's idea of a great evening is a moonlight walk on the beach, and yours is going to museum together, look for a solution in which you both can get what you want, even if it means you don't always get what you want.
- In these negotiations with your partner, be attentive and accommodating to the needs and feelings they communicate to you. If your partner is feeling insecure or under-appreciated, this will help them to feel loved and valued.^{[14]
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- If you've hurt your hopelessly romantic partner's feelings, say you're sorry. Even if you didn't mean to do anything wrong, or don't think you did, you can still apologize for hurting them.
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Take small steps. There are lots of small things you can do that will help your romantic partner feel loved on a day to day basis. These small steps don't take much effort, but can make a big difference. Below are a few suggestions.
- Hold hands. When walking down the street, sitting on the couch, or riding on the bus, take your partners hand. It may not seem like much, but your partner will notice.
- Let your partner know you are thinking of them when you're apart. Send a flirty text or email, or tell him or her about something you've just seen or heard that you think would make them laugh.
- You can also surprise your partner with a little love note, posted somewhere she or he will be sure to find it.
- Buy a little gift. It doesn't have to be much: some flowers, a favorite candy, a book or some music you came across that you think your partner would enjoy. It's just another little way of saying: "I've been thinking about you and I care."^{[15]
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Go the extra mile. Once in a while, make the extra effort to sweep your partner off their feel with a bigger romantic gesture.
- Even if it's not the most important part of a relationship to you, its important to be romantic sometimes. Not only will your hopelessly romantic partner treasure these gestures, it will serve as a great reminder to both you that you value the relationship and find your partner exciting to be with.
- For example, make plans for dinner at a romantic restaurant, or plan a special vacation together. If you don't have time for long trip, just go away for a weekend or even an evening to a nearby wine district or a cute bed and breakfast.
- Make your partner something. Write a poem or a song or make a piece of art inspired by your hopeless romantic partner. If you aren't artistically inclined, use photographs of the two of you to make a card or a calendar, or even just get one framed.^{[16]
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- Cook a special dinner of your partners' favorite foods, and serve it by candlelight.^{[17]
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  Expert Interview. 26 August 2021.} It may not be original, but don't mistake a classic for a cliché.^{[18]
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- Give your partner a massage. You can buy a professional massage, or give them one yourself. There are many books that can show you some basic techniques. You can light some candles to make it extra romantic.

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Question

How do I know my partner's love language?

Crista Beck
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Crista Beck is a Dating and Relationship Coach and Matchmaker. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in helping people become open to love and find a partner. Crista has been featured in numerous media sources such as ABC, NBC, Fox, and TEDx. She is also the author of the book, Break The Glass Slipper: Free Yourself from Fairy Tale Fantasies and Find True Love in Real Life. Crista holds a BS in Communication Studies with a focus on Interpersonal Communication from The University of Texas at Austin.

Crista Beck

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Just ask them! Talking about love languages can be the starting point of a great conversation. Ask your partner something like "How do you like to be loved?" or "How do you like love shown to you?" Make it a mutual conversation, so both you and your partner can understand what the other needs.

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Question

What do you get someone whose love language is touch?

Crista Beck
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Crista Beck is a Dating and Relationship Coach and Matchmaker. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in helping people become open to love and find a partner. Crista has been featured in numerous media sources such as ABC, NBC, Fox, and TEDx. She is also the author of the book, Break The Glass Slipper: Free Yourself from Fairy Tale Fantasies and Find True Love in Real Life. Crista holds a BS in Communication Studies with a focus on Interpersonal Communication from The University of Texas at Austin.

Crista Beck

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

You don't have to "get" them anything! Instead, give them plenty of hugs and snuggles.

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Question

What to say to a man whose love language is words of affirmation?

Crista Beck
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Crista Beck is a Dating and Relationship Coach and Matchmaker. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in helping people become open to love and find a partner. Crista has been featured in numerous media sources such as ABC, NBC, Fox, and TEDx. She is also the author of the book, Break The Glass Slipper: Free Yourself from Fairy Tale Fantasies and Find True Love in Real Life. Crista holds a BS in Communication Studies with a focus on Interpersonal Communication from The University of Texas at Austin.

Crista Beck

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Write him a special note that explains what you appreciate and find most attractive about him. Basically, use your words to love him!

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Tips

Men and women both enjoy and can make these kinds of romantic gestures. Don't assume, based on your partner's gender, that she or he won't appreciate your romantic efforts, or that you shouldn't be making them.^{[19]
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Be creative! You can find ways to communicate your feelings that will be clear to your partner and also be true to yourself.

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Make sure you set expectations early. Say for instance "I get motion sick, so expect me to not be able to talk about complicated topics in the car" or "I am not comfortable with affection at this stage". This may seem like a risk to turn off your partner. But this will avoid any confusion and possible conflict in the future.

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Warnings

A breakup with a partner who is a hopeless romantic is likely to be tumultuous for both of you and very painful for your partner.

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