How to Tell a Girl You Love Her when You Are Not Sure She Loves You Back

Co-authored by Cristina Morara

Last Updated: January 8, 2021 Approved

When you love a girl, sometimes it is best just to tell her, even if you are not sure if the feeling is mutual. Gain the courage to express your feelings by building a strong relationship and keeping communication open and respectful. Love may be hard to say but it can easily be expressed. Telling a girl that you love her can be terrifying but liberating. Know that you are not alone and that there is love out there for everyone.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Gaining Courage

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Build your romantic relationship. Spending time together allows you both to get to know each other on a deeper level. Eliminate distractions including cell phones, unwanted visitors, or blaring music whenever you can. Getting to know her and spending time together are essential to building a romantic relationship.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Cristina Morara
Relationship Coach

Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.}
- You won’t know what activities you enjoy together unless you communicate. Choose activities that you can both do together like studying, hiking, or grabbing a bite to eat. Make sure you make it clear that you enjoy your time with her and appreciate how much you both are getting to know one another.
If you fear rejection, putting your emotions out in the open can be terrifying; however, you should also realize that regret can be just as powerful. Realize that putting yourself out there and knowing the truth is the only way to overcome both the fear of rejection and regret. It is a relief just to get this off your chest.

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Be honest about your feelings. Do you actually love her or is this lust or infatuation? Could you stand losing her friendship? Do not be friends with her in hopes that you can change her mind about you. This is unfair to her as friendships should be based on trust and respect. If you truly love her, you will be a good friend first and foremost.
- Analyzing your own feelings can be difficult but there are a few scientifically proven signals that may indicate whether you’re in love. Do you exhibit any of these feelings?^{[2]
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  - If you believe that she is unique, it may be because your brain has elevated levels of focus and attention.
  - If you think that she is perfect and only focus on her positive qualities, it may be because your memory has increased to accommodate your new feelings of love.
  - If you feel like you’re a wreck over your new love, it is because research has shown that being in love involves similar brain activity to being addicted with similar mood swings.
  - Going through adversity can also make you fall in love because your brain produces more dopamine, a chemical responsible for reward and pleasure.
  - If you feel you are obsessing over her it may be because your brain has decreased the levels of central serotonin, which is associated with obsessive behavior.
  - People in love have also shown signs of emotional dependency in which they want to be together all the time and hope to stay together forever.
  - When you’re in love you may feel like you’ll do anything for her because you have a greater sense of empathy for the woman you love.
  - Studies have shown that being in love is about an emotional union, not about sex.
  - Studies have also shown that people in love feel that their love is uncontrollable.
Be direct when expressing yourself. Don’t assume that you know how she is feeling. Always respectfully ask and thank her for opening up to you. Being open is essential in expressing your love for one another.^{[3]
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Love is a very strong emotion and is usually developed over time. Take a look at how your relationship with her has developed over time and focus on all the positive emotions you have shared together. If you feel that your love for her has developed rather quickly, stay positive that there is no better time to reveal your feelings. You can always find a reason not to do something so be bold and follow your heart.

Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Does She Like Me?

Some girls can feel like a total mystery. How can you figure out if she likes you just as a friend or if she wants something more? Take this quiz to find out!

1 of 12

How do her friends treat you?

They told me that she likes me.

They giggle and laugh with her when I walk into the room.

They’ve mentioned her in conversation.

They haven’t done anything out of the ordinary (or I don't know them).

Part 2

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Expressing Your Love

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Choose the right time and place. Don’t be distracted by outside factors. Approach her when you are going to be able to talk to her in relative privacy and when neither of you will feel rushed. Look for a quiet place or ask to schedule a meeting to ensure that both of you are mentally and emotionally present. Expressing your love should be a joyous occasion so make sure you’ve created a situation where she is able to fully process her thoughts and emotions.^{[4]
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- You don’t want to tell her you love her when you are being distracted by friends or she has to work overtime to meet the deadline of an important client.
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Be aware of your body language and how you carry yourself around her. Chat with her whenever you have the opportunity and initiate with a smile. Focus on your posture and maintain eye contact. Be friendly and joke when you can, but don't be rude. Don't overwhelm her, as a smile and a wave can go along way.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Cristina Morara
Relationship Coach

Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.}
- Engage her in a conversation by starting with a simple "How's are you?"
- You will come off as creepy or awkward if you stand at her location without saying anything. If you can't think of something to say because you're nervous, just say hello and keep walking or talk to someone else.
Her friends are her support system and will protect her so leave a good impression and take a genuine interest in who they are. Endearing yourself to her friends will let them and her know that you are fully invested in her wellbeing.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Cristina Morara
Relationship Coach

Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.}
Studies have shown that men are prone to saying “I love you” first because they do not want to lose a relationship whereas women want to ensure that the relationship is worth their investment so they are inclined to wait.^{[7]
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Research source} So before you say “I love you”, prove that you are worth it and leave no doubt in her mind why she loves you back.
There are many resources that give examples of romantic gestures, however, love is a personal thing. Only you know how to express your love and what will make her happy. Whether it’s buying her flowers after she’s had a long day, singing her favorite song to surprise her, or just holding hands everyday as you walk her home from school, showing her that you love her isn’t just a one time gesture but rather a state of mind that informs all that you do.
The best way tell her you love her is to be direct. There is no sense in trying to manipulate her or trying to wait her out. Give her time to process her thoughts and emotions. She may say that she wants to just stay friends so be prepared to examine your own emotions and what role she will play in your life moving forward.^{[8]
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Be aware that the word love can carry different emotional context for different people. Some people may have a very difficult time hearing or using that word. However you articulate your emotions, be sure that she completely understands your intentions.
- For example, if you know she gets awkward and skittish whenever you watch the end of romantic comedies whenever the characters finally say “I love you”, do not make the same gesture. Instead, sincerely, but casually, let her know how much you care about her and that you want to take a step forward in your relationship.
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Prepare for any obstacles. Religion, cultural differences, or strict family members can all be involved in how she responds to you. Remember to always be respectful of who she is because, if you truly love her, you will get to know these things about her and how you can possibly work through any obstacle.
- If she is tentative but still says yes, address it and abide by the rules she has set in order to ease her mind. If she asked you to get to know her parents first because of her cultural customs, then take it as an honour and follow her lead. If she does not want to get physical in the relationship then don’t pressure her.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Moving Forward

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Whether she says she loves you or rejects you, express yourself tactfully, especially if you’re in public. Don't be a jerk and try to lash out if your feelings hurt.
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Respect her reaction. If she doesn't love you back, remember that she is still the same person who you have created a deep bond with so continue to respect her. You cannot force someone to like or love you.
- Don’t become unresponsive or stonewall her. Women are sensitive to interpersonal cues so blank expressions or being stonewalled can escalate an already negative situation.^{[9]
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Celebrate your maturity and fortitude. If you have gotten to know one another and developed a strong relationship based on respect and open communication, chances are that she will express the same feelings of love. Take pride in being able to put your emotions out into the open and celebrate with her. Even if the love she shares stops at friendship, revel in your personal growth. Share your experience with others and know that you are not alone.^{[10]
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- Use your friends, family, and other parts of your support system to deal with rejection.
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Continue to build your relationship. If you really love someone, you will respect them, care for them, and be there for the good and the bad. Love can be a roller coaster but the scariest part is taking the first plunge and telling her that you love her.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Cristina Morara
Relationship Coach

Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.}
- Get closure. If she doesn’t have the same feelings for you, do not keep persisting. Learn to accept that it wasn’t meant to be and keep optimistic that there is something meant for you just around the corner. This may be difficult but take as much time as you need. That’s why there are so many sad love songs and movies that can help cheer you up.^{[12]
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Know when to walk away from a friendship. There is no sense in trying to manipulate her or trying to wait her out. If you tell her you love her and says she doesn’t feel the same but wants to stay friends, respectfully decline.^{[13]
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- Your emotions may be too raw after you have been rejected to maintain a friendship. A friendship is based on mutual support and respect. Ask yourself if you can truly give that to her after you have clearly expressed that you see her as more than a friend. Can you still be friends with her if she is dating someone else?

Ways to Tell if She Loves You Back and How to Cope if She Doesn't

Ways to Find Out if the Girl You Love Loves You Back

Signs a Girl Loves You Back

Coping if a Girl Doesn't Love You Back

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Question

How do you tell a girl you love her without getting rejected?

Cristina Morara
Dating Coach
Cristina Morara is a Professional Matchmaker, Dating Coach, Relationship Expert, and the Founder of Stellar Hitch Private Matchmaking, a luxury matchmaking service based in Los Angeles that serves clients nationwide and internationally. As a former casting director, Cristina specializes in finding the perfect partner through her exclusive global network and detailed, warm approach. Cristina holds a BA in Communications and Psychology from Villanova University. Stellar Hitch has been featured in the Huffington Post, Chelsea Handler’s Netflix documentary, ABC News, the Tonight Show, Voyage LA, and the Celebrity Perspective.

Cristina Morara

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

There's no way for you to control her reaction. If you're nervous about how she'll react, or the two of you aren't even dating right now, don't tell her. You can always keep it to yourself and just let the relationship continue to grow.

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Question

Should I tell my friend I love her?

Cristina Morara
Dating Coach
Cristina Morara is a Professional Matchmaker, Dating Coach, Relationship Expert, and the Founder of Stellar Hitch Private Matchmaking, a luxury matchmaking service based in Los Angeles that serves clients nationwide and internationally. As a former casting director, Cristina specializes in finding the perfect partner through her exclusive global network and detailed, warm approach. Cristina holds a BA in Communications and Psychology from Villanova University. Stellar Hitch has been featured in the Huffington Post, Chelsea Handler’s Netflix documentary, ABC News, the Tonight Show, Voyage LA, and the Celebrity Perspective.

Cristina Morara

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

I would strongly recommend against it. You're going to permanently change the dynamic of your relationship if you do this. If she felt something romantic for you, you'd know. If you want to push your friendship into dating territory, ask her out first. The odds that she's secretly also in love with you are very low, though.

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Question

What's the best way to say "I love you" for the first time in a relationship.

Cristina Morara
Dating Coach
Cristina Morara is a Professional Matchmaker, Dating Coach, Relationship Expert, and the Founder of Stellar Hitch Private Matchmaking, a luxury matchmaking service based in Los Angeles that serves clients nationwide and internationally. As a former casting director, Cristina specializes in finding the perfect partner through her exclusive global network and detailed, warm approach. Cristina holds a BA in Communications and Psychology from Villanova University. Stellar Hitch has been featured in the Huffington Post, Chelsea Handler’s Netflix documentary, ABC News, the Tonight Show, Voyage LA, and the Celebrity Perspective.

Cristina Morara

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Pick your timing carefully and broach the subject slowly. That's really the best guidance here. You want to pick a time where both of you are doing something meaningful together and spirits are high. Don't just throw it out there when the two of you are grocery shopping or something like that.

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Tips

Be confident. Look her in the eye, stand tall, and smile. Most importantly, speak without hesitation, particularly if you act shy on a normal basis. You must demonstrate that you believe the words coming out of your mouth and can back them up with the strength of your devotion.

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If you have been her friend for a long time and now you want to be more, then she may not see you in that light. In this case, you have to accept her feelings. Changing yourself isn't the answer. If she doesn't love you for who you are, rather than a version tailored to her every desire, you might slip your act and any feeling she had for your 'changed self' will be lost.

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Don't tell everybody you know you love her before you tell her. It is not a good thing if she finds out on her own.

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Warnings

Do not tell someone that you love her if you don’t. Manipulating someone for sex is abhorrent and many times illegal.

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No means no. If she turns you down, remember that there are other people out there. Persistence can be good at the beginning of a relationship but not after the point where you express your love. Love is not a negotiation.

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