How to Tell if Your Partner Is Cheating

Co-authored by Michelle Jacoby

Last Updated: June 28, 2024 Approved

A cheating partner is something we worry about. Not everyone cheats. From time to time, these worries are unfounded. Perhaps they do have to work late, or maybe they are going to a friend's house. However, here are some sure signals to find a cheating significant other.

Part 1

Part 1 of 5:

Noting Things That Are Out of the Ordinary

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Are they, for instance, coming home from work later than usual on some nights? Sometimes these small changes to a person's routine mean nothing more than life has given them a reason to be unavailable, but they are still something that you want to be aware of.
Sometimes, a cheating lover will displace their shame, anger, and guilt onto you by starting a fight, which can then be blamed on you. In short, they need a place to throw off their negative feelings.

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Did your significant other always have things to say, and has suddenly become distant? Your relationship may be losing intimacy because your lover has started a new one with someone else.
Everyone knows this one is stereotypical but it can also be true. If they are coming around smelling like a perfume or aftershave that you don't wear, then they may have been too close to someone who wears it.
When someone spends enough time with someone else, they begin to adopt their views, or at least understand them. If your partner is interested in things that they hated before, perhaps they are being influenced by someone else more than usual.

Part 2

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Checking for Secretiveness

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Examine the trust in your relationship. Does your lover allow you to touch, or look through their phone, emails, etc.? If your partner is hiding their phone from you, or deleting all their messages before letting you have it, then there is something they don't want you to see.
- They may take their phone with them into the restroom or keep it face down on the table.^{[1]
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- They may not tell you about their whereabouts.^{[2]
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- They may not introduce you to their friends.
- Reader Poll: We asked 528 wikiHow readers, and 55% of them agreed that they’d feel suspicious and confront their partner if they suddenly started hiding their phone from them. [Take Poll]
If you ask whom called or texted them, do they always tell you "It's nobody?" These are also important signals, which show that your partner has something to hide.
Do they become angry when you come over unannounced, or only text you when they are at home, never calling you? These are also signs of betrayal. For some reason, they do not want you at their home at certain times, and they do not want to call you while they are at home.
If an earring is lying in the passenger side of their car, or a condom is behind their bed, extra time will probably be taken to dispose of those items.

Part 3

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Listening to What is Said

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They may be saying awful things about that person, but pay attention to the fact that they are still talking about them 24/7. They are trying to fool you into believing the person is undesirable, thus throwing the suspicion off them.
Casually ask a partner where they were such and such day, and let them answer. Remember their answer, and ask again a few days later. If they are lying constantly, then they will have a hard time keeping up. They may start to get angry with these simple questions, another big hint.

Part 4

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Noticing the Red Flags

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bought for two people. If you keep finding receipts from restaurants with two different meals on it, or two sodas in the cup holders, or a bill for a bracelet you did not get, then watch out.
Or begin to, out of nowhere, change their passwords to keep you out of their accounts. Normally, if they didn't give you their password to start with, this is no problem. But if they've suddenly changed it to protect messages they've written, or chats they've had, you should be alert to this possible red flag.
Have their friends begun to act oddly around you? When you casually talk to their friends, do they seem anxious, nervous, or eager to leave? They probably know something you don't know.
Questions such as "What would you do if we broke up?" are key hints. Anyone can become guilty. This guilt can easily be forgotten with an action or item for the other person that makes the cheater seem selfless.

Part 5

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Asking Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend to Explain

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If they voluntarily give you excuses that are detailed and scripted, then they probably are. They have most likely projected your questions, based on their indiscretion, and preemptively created a story to cover it all up. Listen and note any details which are unnecessarily significant to their story (names, times, exact locations, etc.) and keep a mental list.

EXPERT TIP

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist

Treat this chat as an opportunity to improve your relationship. Even if your fears about infidelity don't reflect reality, they can still point to lingering insecurities within your relationship. An honest conversation can help clear the air and allow you to clearly address how you're feeling.
When they finish telling their story do they shake their head, toss up their hands, or use similar gestures to mimic exhaustion, confusion, and disbelief about their 'crazy evening' or event? Body language is a great indication that they are 'acting'.
Keep it a seemingly harmless detail that won't frighten or alert your partner that you are suspicious (specifics are not what you are looking for). Now ask them an abstract question about the specific detail you picked. Innocently ask when this 'detail' or event happened, or some other simple question. If they are not being truthful, they will give it away during this question.
Did they awkwardly get silent or shift before giving you an answer? Did they stutter or become nervous with their words? Did they look like a deer in the headlights? If so, here's why: When someone is telling the truth they don't need to think about the answer for more than a second or two. The details are already there because it truly happened. But, if this person is lying, they will have to stop and mentally go through their story from the beginning. They will need to remember where in the story this question happened and that takes thought processing. Since the 'minor' detail you asked them to provide wasn't prominent when they made up their excuse, they most likely won't have a cut and dry answer.
Keep watching closely. Can you see them thinking it through again? Are they becoming frustrated and starting to snip at your 'dumb questions' and/or ask, "What does it matter?" If so, this is a stalling technique they use while making up new details. It's also a handy distraction if they point their finger back at you and make you the bad guy for asking in the first place. How often have we heard, "What exactly are you insinuating?"
Usually your partner will start questioning you and inevitably say, "What? You don't believe me? Do you think I’m lying to you?”.
Eventually you will hear the sweet words, "What? Do you think I'm cheating on you?!" Bingo!
Did you steer the story in a direction to make room for interrogation then blatantly accuse them of messing around? Did you actually accuse them of anything at all? By asking simple questions your partner not only revealed what kind of behavior they have been hiding, but they also spun their entire story out of whack, no matter how solid they believed it to be, and became overwhelmed. At this point, if you ask them anything, they will probably start to sweat, panic, or lose the capability to accurately recall anything about their story. The discrepancies will flow at this point and soon you will have enough information know if your partner is 'on the level.'

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Tips

Be discreet when trying to catch a cheater. If you let them know you are onto them, they will hide the situation completely. Your best bet is to catch them slipping up.

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Pay attention to the level of desire to be intimate with your partner from your suspicious partner. Lower levels can be a sign they may have desire for someone else.

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Also, just know the person. Know their personality and how they acted before they started dating you. Were they flirtatious before you? Have they cheated before? How many people have they dated or slept with? Some people would never cheat, and others hardly notice they are doing it. It helps to know what person your significant other is.

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Tips from our Readers

The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.

Don't immediately accuse your partner of cheating — calmly communicate your concerns and ask questions. Jumping to conclusions will damage trust.
Try reconnecting emotionally and reigniting intimacy if you feel your partner pulling away. Strengthening your bond can prevent cheating.
Consider relationship counseling if you're unable to communicate effectively. A therapist can help you rebuild trust and understanding.
Notice major changes in your partner's routines, interests or habits — this could signal new influences.
Pay attention if your partner's friends act uncomfortable around you. They may know something you don't.
Check for physical evidence like receipts or texts, but realize your partner deserves privacy too.

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Warnings

A liar can convince you to stop trusting your gut when you bring things up. A liar can convince you that you are just being paranoid and that these suspicions are all normal. Just keep that in mind before you ask why your partner has to run away for a phone call.

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If your partner is cheating, chances are they are not opposed to lying as well. If you ask them about signs you have seen, and those signs stop showing up, your partner is likely covering up everything you have noticed before.

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